XTRA NEWS Division Four. Not quite the lowest of the low.   CUP COMPETITIONS...CHECK OUT THE FIXTURE LIST...

In a week when points were a bit thin for most teams, MC’s Hammerheads continued their recent run of improved form with a whopping 21-pointer that took them off the bottom of the Xtra and into the dizzy stratospheric heights of, er, um... next to bottom. Fabregas was the main provider prompting rumours that he may turn his back on a lucrative move to Barca to stay in Leeds on a camp-bed in Mark’s box room. Well, I’ve read more ridiculous things in the Mail, and the Express, and the Star...

Surreal Madrid Fish kept up the pressure on Blah this week – a 15-point outing closing the gap to just over a score. I’d like to say that Zond has the Blah Man licked, but I confess I can’t quite see it happening. Fish have recently moved to a new stadium in Broadstairs and a period of unsettled awkwardness looks on the cards, I’m afraid.

Another good week for Matt Wood and The Minus Touch.

His son must be doing the substitutions, now.

05/03/10.

The title in the Xtra Division looks a certainty now for Blah Blah Blah, so the attention is now drawn to who will go up with them.

It wasn’t a great week for Surreal Madrid Fish as they slipped to third place after a poor outing. Just two points for Zond Flint allowed Blue Army to gain second place and rain on their fiesta. He’ll just have to go to the newsagents and get another one now, I suppose...ah well, the pages were all stuck together, anyway...

The bottom three now look out of hope for any sort of resurgence now and one has to conclude that the season is as good as over for Trevor Jones, Paul Fogg and Mark Carter. Better luck next time, lads.

26/02/10.

Just a single point for Blah Blah this week, all of which allowed Surreal Madrid Fish to close in on a last minute grab for the title. Saha was the man to make the difference as Zond’s mob hit a divisional high of 11pts.

The Zamora effect was felt by Leedslads – 10pts overall and off bottom place as a result.

Matt Wood also picked up 10pts, but he’s had enough copy space of late, so I’ve no more to say.

19/02/10.

Matt Wood must wish that I could slag-off his team a bit more often. After lampooning The Minus Touch last week, his boys reacted in fine fashion to secure a 28-point week that moved them up to fourth and a nice view of Zond’s backside. Ah, well, it was made a nice change to be among the points, even if it didn’t really carry Matt into the stratosphere. Nine points from the Drog and a pair of clean sheets from Hangeland and Schwarzer were all it took to make me eat my copy.

It was a fine week for Surreal Madrid Fish – best named team in the league? – after a 21-point outing that included no fewer than four clean sheets. With Blue Army also getting a good scoop of points this week, Blah Etc must be getting a bit itchy at the top.

Not a good week for the bottom three. 4, 5 and 6pts for Limping Club, Hammerheads and Leedslads, looks pretty much dismal at this stage. Going down, lads.

12/02/10.

A stonking, great 31pts – not as many as his Dad, but who’s counting? – was enough to give Marcus Downs cause for celebration this week as Blue Army came within sight – almost – of top spot. 31pts is also the difference between the Army and the complacent leaders (Blah Blah Blah – in case you’d forgotten. Yeah, I know; I had, as well) so a gap that is eminently bridgeable in my book.

8pts from Insua, 8 from Cahill and sex from Terry (sorry, I meant six!) were the pick of the bunch. I remember his Dad spending £3.2 million on him at the Auction and wondering what on earth he was doing. “What a knob!” I said to myself. It was an off-the-cuff aside that the press seems to have picked up and ran with, this last week.

In fairness, Mr Chapman didn’t have a bad week – I’d settle for 25pts any day, lately – and 8pts from Leighton Baines must have engendered the sort of surprise that has Mrs C reaching for the defibrillators, one imagines – but every single point closes the gap at this stage and one wonders if Blah Blah Blah have the heart for this one.

Matt Wood (The Minus Touch): Minus three. Probably the only minus score in the country this last week, I should imagine.

Ah, Matt. And it was all going so well earlier in the season. Unfortunately for the luckless, feckless, hapless, lacklustre Mr Wood, Form is Temporary; Crap is Eternal.

Speaking of crap, what an about turn for Paul Fogg’s Leedslads this week! 26pts! An astonishing performance from Reina, Pedersen, Carragher et al. It all puts one in mind of something rather unpleasant doing a U-turn and heading back round the U-bend as it prepares to leap like a champion salmon back to its spawning ground.

Ugh!... I feel suddenly sick at my own invention...

05/02/10.

Alex Chapman blah blah blah blah blah, Anelka blah two goals blah blah assist. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah Van der Sar back blah, blah blah clean sheet, blah. Blah blah blah, assist blah Kenwyn Jones blah (blah Liverpool blah blah, Steve Bruce blah blah knickers blah blah twist blah blah blah blah). Blah blah blah. We will see blah.

Other than that, not a lot to report in the Xtra. Blue Army stole back second place thanks largely to that weird six pointer from Ashley Cole. However, though Marcus Downs seems to be yo-yo-ing in and around the top three, the recent loss of form from The Minus Touch means that for the time being, a top three finish is looking good, as long as Blue Army can avoid a long string of injuries.

The bottom two teams are looking virtually down already, and it was also a worrying time for the Babykisser this week as a nine-point week for Limping Club left them 15pts off safety this week. I blame retirement; Mr Jones has obviously got too much time on his hands and has started to brood every little move he makes.

23/01/10.

Points galore for the league’s fourth division as the Christmas period provided a bumper crop of extra fixtures.

Alex Chapman remained in top form after a 24-point week that kept his Blah Blah Blah at the top of the table. Six points from Corluka and no fewer than four assists assisted his squad to a 33-point lead above their nearest rivals.

Meanwhile, Surreal Madrid Fish and Blue Army gained ground on The Minus Touch after a week that saw them clock up points in the 20s. Zond’s mob drew much cheer from Tevez’s three goals, whilst Marcus Downs was encouraged by more fine defensive displays – 19 of his 29pts came from the back-end.

Also picking up speed and form was Guy Paling’s Random Rovers – now in fifth place – after a handsome 26-pointer that included a rare brace of assists from Robinho. Ah, I remember him!

There were so many points in this division that even Mark Carter’s MC’s Hammerheads and Paul Fogg’s Leedslads got in on the act – 24 and 23pts each for the bottom two sides. All of which means that both teams are still struggling, though Leedslads will take solace by the mere fact that their points total is now in double figures – the last team in the league to go through the hundred points barrier. Hurrah!

31/12/09.

A 32-point week for James Keirle lifted his side out of the bottom three in the Xtra and served notice that the season is far from over yet. Two goals and an assist from Crouch were the highlight, though all the squad made important contributions. It wasn’t the highest score in the league, but James won’t be worried about that.

Blah Blah Blah continued to lead the way at the top of the division – a 25-pointer giving Alex Chapman bragging rights for the festive season. Double clean sheets for Corluka and Dunne made up almost 50% of the tally.

The Minus Touch stayed in contention after a 26-point week. Ten of Matt Wood’s squad got on the scoresheet and amazingly Drogba wasn’t one of them. How these pesky injuries hobble us.

The bottom three had predictably awful weeks – well, relatively anyway. None of them got into double figures. Paul Fogg remains the only manager in the entire league to still be in double, rather than triple figures. 91pts for Paul to date, and the best estimate is that he will pass the 100 mark by about the middle of March. Roll on the Spring, eh Paul?

26/12/09.

Good weeks for Matt Wood and Zond Flint – Drogba and Tevez doing the business for their bosses – meant that Marcus Downs was ejected from second place as his hopes were burnt up in their wake. It wasn’t enough to bother Alex Chapman unduly – eight points meant that Blah Blah Blah are still way out in front, though whether it will remain ice cold in Alex’s neck of the woods is another matter.

A half-decent week for Random Rovers – 11pts was modest, but second best in the table. 4pts from Shawcross was the main feature. Nothing earth-shattering, but at least it was stable.

The bottom three in the Xtra are looking well adrift now. Minus points for Hammerheads and Leedslads mean that relegation must be on the cards before I have even begun to dust off the tinsel, and James Keirle isn’t that much better off; 19pts shy of safety and just 10 clean sheets doesn’t bode well.

17/12/09.

Plenty of points around this week as most of the teams in the xtra got into double figures.

Chief among them was Surreal Madrid Fish who didn’t move up any further, but certainly left themselves well-placed for the coming run-in to Xmas. 18pts for Zond Flint’s men. 5pts for Pantsil was the most unusual feature of this outing, and Zond will hope for rapid repeat of that in weeks to come.

Blah Blah Blah continued to dominate at the head of the division, however, and Alex Chapman is sure to be unbearable as the Season of Jollity descends on us lesser mortals like a funeral pall. If that’s not bad enough imagine the auctions if it continues...

Shoddy week for Blue Army: just 8pts.

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Progress Report from Spawn Snr to Spawn Jr:

Must do better and listen to his elders. If Marcus continues to abrogate responsibility and lean on his superiors – especially on a Saturday afternoon at the Blackthorn End - he will get a more than well-deserved slap.

D -
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Down at the bottom Leedslads got into double figures, though the magical 100pts barrier still eludes Paul Fogg. Still, there is still a vestige of life in that. Kindle it Paul; cup that flame and blow gently.

Or die.

The choice – as the voiceovers like to say – is yours!

10/12/09.

0pts for the leaders this week was something of a surprise as Leighton Baines undid the only bit of good work in the squad. Ivanovic had secured a clean sheet, only for the points to get lost in the Everton fiasco. The end is nigh for the runaway Xtra leaders? Or is that too much to hope?

Blue Army took advantage – a cool dozen points to keep within distance of the hiccupping top team. However, Marcus Downs was also undone by the Everton curse as Yobo dropped 3pts.

Matt Wood continues to confound his critics – me, in other words – to keep hold of that valuable third promotion place. 18pts this week for The Minus Touch included that brace from Drogba. What a turnaround for Mr Wood. he’ll obviously have to miss his auction more often.

Miaow!

Down at the bottom Keirlys Wurleys made a lunge for freedom courtesy of a 6-pointer from Dempsey and picked up a helpful 16-pointer despite having Howard in goal.

The bottom two are already looking in trouble, with Leedslads appearing in utter peril compared to that of MC’s Hammerheads. Nothing can save Paul Fogg – 16 weeks – just 77pts. That’s worse than me. And a lot worse, at that.

03/12/09.

Champagne corks will have been popping in the Downs household this week. As well as Downs Sr. having Defoe, so did Jr. You know what that means, don’t you? I’ll have to stand at the other end of the Blackthorn End come the next home game.

So: let’s send personal thank you messages to Green, Insua and Yobo who were responsible for Blue Army DROPPING five points and thus cancelling out a 31-point score.

Enough of that guff. A good week for Matty The Camel HIC, in a season that has so far been short of good weeks for Ian Croom. 20pts moved The Camel up to fifth place and out of the general aura of despondency that drifts like weird smoke around the lower reaches of this division. Valencia was the top scorer – 5pts. It all gained a bit of breathing space for the Kingswood mob – a team that once promised much, but like most of the Kingswood teams. now just tread water.

Finally, a word for MC’s Hammerheads and their unlucky manager Mark Carter. It wasn’t a week to have a Wigan defender, and especially not Chris Kirkland. Minus eight for any player is, to say the least, unwelcome. Rumours that the Wigan squad are to reimburse Mark with the millions he spent on him are unfounded. He picked him up on a free.

27/11/09.

Top score in the Xtra Division this week went to James Keirle, as his squad made a valiant effort to claw away from the drop zone. Though James’s mob did drop points at the back – 3 – the rest of the squad chipped in to pick up 15pts and put them just 6pts shy of getting out of that psychological quagmire that is the relegation places. Young was the main provider – 6pts.

Chadwick Blah are still at the top – a 14-pointer doing exactly what it says on the tin and keeping Alex Chapman 36pts clear of their nearest rivals, Surreal Madrid Fish, who had a staid 10-point week. What a contrast these two teams make: Zond Flint with his excellently-named club and Alex Chapman.

Interestingly, The Minus Touch is still in third place. There go the oxygen shares again...

64pts for Paul Fogg’s Leedslads, to date. Just 4pts this week. Over £4m spent on Jo – just 4pts to date.

Perhaps we should set up a support group, Paul.

13/11/09.

21pts from Alex Chapman’s was enough to keep his Chadwick Chumps soaring along at the top of the Xtra. 8pts from van Persie was the highlight and the gap at the top is now 32pts. However, if Alex thought that he was in for a bigger buffer between him and the next club, he was mistaken. A 17-point outing for Surreal Madrid Fish – including 10pts from Carvalho and Lampard – meant that Zond Flint was elevated to second place. One good week could close that gap. Will Alex remain ice cold? Watch this space.

The Minus Touch slipped to third despite a decent 13-point week that included 10pts from Evra and the Drog. Still, Matt Wood is only 1-point off second place and anything above last is a bonus for the club that likes to think of itself as a doormat.

Another abysmal week for Paul Fogg. Paul must be – like me – dreading listening to the scores on Sports Report. Minus One this week for Leedslads included a goal and a clean sheet. Unfortunately, four of Paul’s squad chipped in with minus score to drag him down by minus seven defensive points. Ouch.

06/11/09

Guy Paling hadn’t had much to smile about until this week, rooted as he has been to the bottom half of the table. All that could be about to change. 5pts from Diamanti was the main feature of 20-point week that, whilst not rescuing his hopes, certainly will have thrown the Random Rovers boss an inflatable rubber ring. Out of the drop zone and up to seventh for Guy.

It was another good week for Chadwick Blah Blah Blah as Alex Chapman continued his resurgence after a couple of seasons when the cream had started to curdle for the Long Ashton hotshot. 14pts included a goal and assist from van Persie and leaves the splendidly-named outfit 20pts clear at the top.

Blue Army might be holding onto second place with some degree of brute force, but it might not last for long. Matt Wood’s The Minus Touch moved another notch closer to second place this week after a 14-pointer that included 10pts from Carlton Cole and Drogba. Matt will be keeping the smelling salts close to hand in the weeks to come. When was the last time the redoubtable Mr Wood held such a lofty position? I’m not sure myself, but have a feeling that Third Lanark were still in the Scottish League.

30/10/09.

Another big week for Alex Chapman kept his Chadwick Blah Blah Blah at the top of the Xtra after a 20-point week that, interestingly, didn’t feature any individual score over 3pts. Seven goals from all across the squad was only reduced by a conceded point from Corluka. Alex can now bask for a couple of weeks. However, in case he is thinking about kicking off his slippers and settling in for a snooze, Blue Army also had a good week and maintain the pressure – 15pts for Marcus Downs’s team included a goal and assist from Kranjcar – finally settling in at his new home.

Mark Carter was the only other team to get into double figures this week – a ten pointer that lifted him out of the bottom two. There is still a long way for MC Hammerheads to go to reach a safe point in the table, but when Fabregas is in this sort of form, why worry?

It was a quiet return to normal for Limping Club - just 5pts – after last week’s hysterical outpouring of points. Now that’s more like it. 5pts is a Trevor Jones sort of score.

Leedslads maintained the sort of form that have kept them in the lower reaches of the league for many a year – minus two for Paul Fogg and just 37pts on the board. Even my mob is doing better than that.

06/10/09.

Marcus Downs’s Blue Army managed to cling onto top spot this week, thanks to Ashley Cole. Don’t think that that will last however. Clubs are closing in on the little sprat and it looks as if Surreal Madrid Fish will be gobbling them up shortly. 16pts for Zond Flint included points from Saha and most of his midfield chipping in with odd assists. With the unusually named and unusually placed Chadwick-Freak Or Unique? in third place the coming weeks will see big changes in this division, I predict.

Down at the bottom, Leedslads have had a nightmare of a start to the season. Just 30pts leaves Paul Fogg’s team rooted to the foot of the table. And it’s not much better for Random Rovers – 40pts is a woeful tally for six weeks in (not that I can shout). Expect big changes at these clubs soon.

Big changes have already taken place at Limping Club. Trevor Jones retired last week from his day job, freeing up time to run the monster that Limping Club have begun. No doubt a few scouting trips will be in the offing for the man they call The Babykisser. Perhaps that’s not the best juxtaposition of terms now I think about it...

25/09/09.

He might have had a quiet first week, but the Son of Spawn made up for it in week 2. 33pts pushed Marcus Downs’s Blue Army into top spot in the Xtra almost effortlessly. Defoe, Nani and Berbatov were the main providers. It inched The Minus Touch out of the top spot, though only on goals scored.

Surreal Madrid Fish held steadfastly onto third place thanks to Gerrard. Lampard and Saha, though this is a tight division at this stage – one good week can put you in the top three at the moment.

Down at the bottom, Random Rovers had a quiet week – just 6pts. Expect changes from Guy Paling’s side.

28/08/09.

Is this the same team that could barley turn up to play last time? Apparently so. The Minus Touch leapt into an early lead last weekend in the Xtra Division thanks to the Drogba effect and those managers who took a chance on the haphazard striker were duly rewarded, Matt included. 25pts was a decent haul for Matt’s team, and a couple of Fulham clean sheets will have warmed him to this backline that Paul Rabbitts secured for him at the cost of much scoffing from the Chairman.

A middling weekend for most of the rest of the teams – the best of them were MC’s Hammerheads and Surreal Madrid Fish, who both picked up a dozen apiece. It was all the more remarkable for Mark Carter’s team – he fielded Lescott against Arsenal. Ouch.

Down at the bottom Chadwick - Freak Or Unique? and Blue Army bring up the rear. Still, early days, chaps.

22/08/09.

So it’s up to you to prove him wrong, isn’t it?

Paul Fogg’s Leedslads had a good Auction – not outstanding, but better than usual. The defence is very nice Reina, Clichy, Carragher and Toure. However, Beletti won’t feature much – a good player who deserves better is my evaluation – and Dawson is injured (and thank heavens for that, I hear you say – Tottenham defenders blow cold and cold). The middle has Ballack – so 0pts there, then – Arteta, Modric, Pedersen and Wright-Phillips. Fair enough. Up front Jo, Zamora and Bendtner will switch in and out – it’s a bit lightweight, don’t you think? There is also Turner on the bench who may be going to Liverpool, but in all likelihood will probably stay at Hull. Always supposing I’ve got the right Turner. You didn’t buy Tina Turner, did you Paul? Midtable again, but safe. Probably.

Matty The Camel HIC ought to be getting better at this game but seem stalled in the lower regions of the league. As this is a vastly inferior level of competition – according to Master Harding (aged 9) – it is a wonder that he can stand the ribbing he must get from the un-shaving tyro in the top division. How did Ian Croom do this time? Strange. Ian did strange. Cech was a good buy at the back, but cost £3.3m for a keeper. A lot of dosh, if you ask me. There’s faith in Villa, which is laudable if perhaps a little too optimistic. Martin O’Neill isn’t God; he just played for him, once. Higginbotham is at full-back which may slacken jaws, but Stoke are watertight at home – well, a lot of the time anyway. Evans will be a banker if he can hold down a place. Jagielka will be fine when fit. Nasri, Valencia, Pienaar and Zhirkov look neat; Dyer may or may not be still alive – if Ian can do a few sponsored walks he may be able to cobble together enough dosh to get a sniffer dog and then he can find out; however, I think he’ll get shot of Kieron at the first chance. Up front, Adebayour, Torres and Bent are supplemented by Ebanks-Blake, who was the top scorer in the Championship for the last two seasons. A better squad than it first looks but not title contenders.

Keirlys Wurleys are hard to spell, but as they don’t have the most stupid name in the league – we all know who has that one, don’t we children – we’ll let James Keirle off. For now. This is a team still to be finished off, is my view. Howard will be okay once Jagielka gets back. O’Shea and Skrtel are fine. Shorey ought to pass muster. Cahill is a doubt. The middle is nice: Young, Dempsey, Riera (due a better season), Osman, Malbranque. Diaby is a weak link for my money. Rooney and Crouch and Eduardo. Those three alone should be worth 200pts. Zabaleta may or may not be an asset. Who knows? Pushing for promotion with a few changes.

Surreal Madrid is the new moniker for Argyle Sweater FC. And it sums this team up, really. Surreal. The back-line is as uneven as the road across the Mendips: Given – OK; Brown – injured as a rule; Carvalho – in and out like the tide; King – not a regal presence and often injured, as well; Pantsil – depends on how Fulham do – good at home. The middle has undeniable presence: Lampard, Kuyt, Gerrard, Bullard, Carrick – 200pts if they all play all season – Gerrard and Lampard will get bad injuries this year to ruin our chances in SA – let’s face it: they are due them. Tevez and Pavlyuchenko look likely to shine I think, this time. Saha may be a surprise – he may play more than five times this season. Johnson is still being inspected due to a mix up at the Auction... Larsson plays for Birmingham and for Zond, but only briefly, is my guess. This team might struggle.

Guy Paling’s mob have a new name: Random Rovers are now something else – I can’t tell you what, as the connection is down to FL’s site! Anyway, this is another middling mob that will hover in the middle doing middly things. Sagna, Alex and Agger are fine at the back, but Gomes – Gomes? Really? – and Warnock – Warnock! - look like the bids of a man who kicked Scarlett Johansson out of bed the morning after the night before and hasn’t quite got over it yet. Gomes for £1.5m! Warnock for £0.6m! If Scarlett really is drinking in the Wellington I’ll have to go back on the booze! Midfield: Shawcross and Malouda are questionable – Scarlett was still on his mind at this stage of the afternoon, obviously – but Arshavin and Taylor show that Guy was back on an even keel by then and he went on to get Robinho and Scotland up front. However, at that point in the proceedings I seem to remember Felicity Kendall arrived in a time machine from 1976 and walked across Guy’s field of vision – hence Roberts, Benitez, Yakubu and Blake on the bench. Oh dear; the things our hormones do to us mortal men...

Chadwick – Freak or Unique? Another season dawns and still Alex Chapman can’t come up with a decent name. Never mind. I won’t have to type it much this season, because I am going to turn over a new leaf and ignore it. Perhaps then it will go away. Onto the team. Some good: van der Sar, van Persie,, Anelka and Lennon – surely due a good season with all that talent to provide for? The rest is uneven, to my mind. Rafael cost £1m but may not feature much. Milner is good and may be outstanding this time. Walcott has much to prove. Unfortunately, I suspect that we will still be saying that in five years time. Baines depends – like all Everton defenders - on Jagielka being about. Dunne may be a liability if he plays at all. Distin suffers from a strange affliction now known as Portsmouth. Benayoun is another Liverpool midfielder who would shine every game elsewhere, but never develops form because of Rafa’s irregular rotation system. Downing will probably step up at Villa; Fellaini was a fine player with a stupid hairdo – now he is a fine player with a stupid hairdo in a team with a stupid – no, no, let’s not go there, I promised... Jones may do well with Bent to play off of, but the midfield at Sunderland may not feed the strikers. Corluka cost £0.6m – like the window-cleaner in that vicar joke, Alex’s fellow bidders must have seen him coming... An expensive year coming up for Alex – how much will he owe Mr Rabbitts this time? My bet is 50 to 70 quid.

Matt Wood wisely went on holiday this year, so his boy couldn’t laugh at him. His proxy – can’t quite recall who, was it Paul Rabbitts? Think so – did fairly well, though admittedly, Schwarzer wasn’t the best start. It got better. Evra, Aurelio, and Vidic were snapped up, but Hangelan’s appearance put too much faith in Fulham being airtight at the back at home once more. Kightly, Jenas, Noble and Denilson are average fillers in the middle and Drogba and Carew are joined by Carlton Cole and Davies in a front line that could deliver, but probably needs someone else. Naughton and Ridgewell are on the bench for now; next week they will be back on the Free Agents list. Matt will need to tinker to make The Minus Touch a force to be reckoned with.

The mysterious Babykisser continued to mystify with his choices and as a result Limping Club Toostokes are stuck at this level and may descend another. Trevor Jones has gone off the boil at this game and his squad looks tired in places. there are the usual gems: Ferdinand, Gallas, Almunia, Agbonlahor and Keane, but you get the feeling that a manager who chips in for Giggs is going by sentiment rather than keen consideration of what is best for the squad. Friedel is a useful option in goal and Bridge may excel at Man City. Konchesky may be a liability. Geovanni will turn it on for a couple of games if he feels like it. Murphy will chip in. Gomez might do well – we’ll have to wait and see. Steinsson, Doyle and Phillips will move on quite quickly, is my guess. General impression is one of few laurels but a lot of lolly left.

Marcus Downs won the Conference last term and was off with tonsillitis at the time of the Auction. His proxy had some instructions which went straight into the bin and so he got a halfway house squad that leaves room for improvement. The back line is a bit iffy, but passes muster: Green in goal is all fingers and thumbs, Young and Cole are fine, Terry and Yobo, solid. The middle of Cahill, Ireland, Nani and Babel should be okay, if intermittent. Defoe and Berbatov are joined by Vela and Ngog in a frontline that is best described as experimental, and worst described as mental. Richards and Woodgate provide options at the back, but not many. Blue Army will need to scour the free agents to repeat last season’s exploits.

Mark Carter is the only Carter in our fold, now that brother John has left. Mark’s MC’s Hammerheads adapted quickly to the game when they joined, but have rather gone off the boil of late. This squad confirms that the manager’s choice of players can be patchy, but is a lot better than last time. Bosingwa, Cole and Vermaelen are the big guns at the back, along with Lescott if he does it again. Johnson is overrated and will be out of place at Anfield is my hunch, but I may be wrong. Barry, Fabregas, Bentley and Park have plenty to do in the middle and will probably do it. Owen will be worth 50pts if he can fight off the attentions of the St John’s Ambulance Brigade. McCarthy and Heskey, vie with Beattie for the other striker’s position. A team that may surprise, but don’t hold your breath.

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT D: XTRA DIVISION
FINAL TABLE MAY 2010

14/08/09.