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I’ve been waiting for Corinne to underperform so I could write that one. If things improve, no doubt they’ll come up again.

So, a good week for the Argyle Sweater – it was bloody parky after all - as Gerrard hit form to bag a cool doz and shunt Zond’s mob up to top spot. With Corinne losing a bit of steam, it gave the chasing pack a chance to gather strength and Sam Lewis’s Real Galacticos have manoeuvered themselves into third place after a huge 33-point Christmas that included Robinho’s 11pts and Lampard’s 9pts. Sam rather lost his way during the autumn, but seems to have regained his form just in time for the Trophy group stages. Yeah, great.

26pts for Gary Linekers Legs XI gave Sarah Reynolds some respite from fears of the dreaded drop. 10pts from Carlton Cole meant that Sarah finishes 2008 out of the relegation zone, if only on goals scored.

Nermals Eleven bring up the rear in the Xtra – a 9-point week was not enough to spare Chris Norman’s blushes. A complete overhaul looks likely in 2009 if matters are to change.

01/01/09.

A generally quiet week in the Xtra Division saw leaders Greasy Chip Butties reopen the gap at the top to a breathable 9-point margin. 14pts included a goal and assist from Taylor and an all-too rare gaol from Robbie Keane. Whether this will prove enough of an advantage over the Christmas fixture list remains to be seen, however.

Best score of the week in this division was a 19-pointer from Matty The Camel HIC. Ian Croom nearly fell off his dromedary with the shock of it. 7pts from Malbranque was the main seismic event for the team that refuses to show off the form that lifted them up a division last term. Strangely, Ian’s haul included four clean sheets.

26/12/08.

Whilst the Chairman was curled up on his death bed, things have been afoot in the Xtra and the table looks totally different as a result. Greasy Chip Butties have come from nowhere to claim top perch and a revitalised Argyle Sweater FC have snuck in just behind Corinne’s squad. 21pts from Zond’s mischief makers this week included 14pts from Gerrard and Agbonlahor and my favourite postie now sits just one goal or clean sheet off top spot. I think he’s finally got the hang of this game.

Bubbling underneath, Paul Fogg’s Leedslads are in a similarly vertiginous pickle. Third place for the middle Fogg is an unheard of level of attainment for a club that regards next-to-last as nirvana. Astonishing; fetch the oxygen, somebody.

All of that means that someone’s nose has been left out of joint. To have winners you must have losers, and the losers in this case are Warmley Wombles and Chadwick Blah Blah Blah. Both have fallen from recent grace, though Alex Chapman’s fall has perhaps been more spectacular. Perhaps it’s the team name that is responsible.

Down at the bottom Matty The Camel HIC and Gary Linekers Legs XI continue to struggle. Both have yet to make it to 100pts, and last season’s promotions must now seem like a dream that somebody else’s cousin’s next-door-neighbour once could have had in a parallel universe that might or might not exist depending on what day of the week it was at the time. That’s how cruel and ungraspable this game can be.

19/12/08.

The top two teams both had strong outings this week. 24pts from Leedslads kept Paul Fogg hot on Corinne’s heels and owed much to braces from Nasri and Bent.

Greasy Chip Butties might have conceded some ground to Mr Fogg but not a lot. 22pts from Corinne’s mob also included a couple of braces – from Keane and Arbeloa – touché.

Real Galacticos kept up some pretence of a challenge to the title after a 16-point week that included a rare brace from Tuncay. Sam Lewis is now 9pts behind the second-placed team.

14/11/08.

Ian Croom—The Barnet

Corinne Thornton’s mob might not have picked up the highest score in the Xtra Division, but a 28-pointer was enough to put them on the top of the table this week. 20pts from her Chelsea contingent – Anelka and Bosingwa – provided just the boost the squad needed and gave Corinne some hope that she can progress to a level more in keeping with her pedigree. Sorry if that sounds like a commentary from Peter Purvis at Crufts, Corinne.

Leedslads also had a week that was as fruitful as it was surprising. 33pts from Paul Fogg’s outfit will have rendered the misplaced Northerner in need of heart massage after a once in the bluest-of-blue moon weeks, that saw him move to within inches of top spot. Oxygen masks must have been popping out of the ceilings of the Fogg household all week long as the fruit machine of goals, assists and clean sheets kept churning out points time after time. It should be added that Leedslads’s defence also dropped seven points during the constipated backlog of fixtures that made up Week 12; perhaps it was just as well. The Fogg genus needs to be given time to acclimatise to the champagne lifestyle at the top of the Xtra Division. Andy Fogg once carted off the Supreme Champions trophy – and look what happened to him...

Down at the other end of the table, Nermals Eleven made a move away from the Tizer lifestyle of the lower reaches, after a 24-point week that has been threatening all October. Chris Norman is still well-shy of safety, but the four combined clean sheets of Yobo and Howard will settle the nerves and provide some hope that the back line at Goodison have turned, if not the corner, then certainly the bend. The only concern is whether it is the U-bend...

Matty The Camel HIC remain next-to-bottom after a less-than-impressive week that saw Ian “The Barnet” Croom drop six points from three of his defence. In fairness, it wasn’t a great week to have Arsenal defenders and even the ManYoo backline were feeling a mite under the weather, poor darlings. The Camel is surely in a false position, though there is a fair amount of dead weight in that squad. Witness: Ball, Woodgate, Diouf, Mido, Rosicky, and Xisco. Xisco! I call him “Xisco at the Disco”, the way he dances in and out of that squad at St James’s! In fact, that’s probably where he is most days and nights – skanking his way round the handbags at the local club scene on Tyneside!

As for bottom club Gary Linekers Legs XI, it was a relaxing week drinking Tizer through a straw, sprawled out on the garden furniture leafing through the IKEA catalogue. Unfortunately, relaxing isn’t what is needed when the club sits at the bottom of the table as the November mists begin to swirl about your ankles. Just 6pts left Sarah Reynolds’s side rooted to the foot of Division Four with little hope of the sort of avalanche of points that adrenalized other clubs this week. Two clean sheets from Lescott were scant reward for a team that has plenty of talent but seemingly little motivation at present. There are some good points: Sidwell is back and will come back onto managers’ radars in the coming weeks; Lescott may benefit from a bit more steel at Everton; Pienaar looks a likely lad for a constant flow of assists; Gera will be worth his weight if he can only just steer it between those funny white posts – how many gilt-edged chances does he need? The Fogghorn expects the Legs XI coaching staff to splash out on a Taser or a cattle-prod in the very near future.

07/11/08.

Just four points separate the top four teams in the League’s Fourth Division this week after the leading clubs all enjoyed memorable outings at the weekend. Alex Chapman held on to an all-too fragile lead thanks to a first goal for Pavlyuchenko and a couple of clean sheets. However, an 11-point week looked less emphatic compared to the teams below. Sam Lewis’s Real Galacticos closed the gap to the equivalent of an assist after a score of points that was greatly bolstered by Robinho’s hat-trick.

Meanwhile, Argyle Sweater FC made up for recent disappointments, recording the highest score in the division – 23pts – thanks to a goal and two assists from Agbonlahor, plus goals from Adebayour, Crouch and Cisse. With Greasy Chip Butties slithering into fourth place after a 15-point week – five of them from Carew – the quartet at the top have much to discuss on their noticeboard. And I haven’t even considered the midweek games yet!

Down at the bottom, the bottom four are seriously adrift of the title chasers, with 26pts of clear blue sky separating the haves from the have-nots.

31/10/08.

I have to admit that John Carter is something of a mystery to me. He can go for months not doing much and then suddenly he goes off like a cruise missile. This week was a case in point. 23pts from the quiet man at the bottom end of the Xtra Table, launched JC Lives up to the dizzy heights of seventh – virtually the point at which the oxygen masks fly out from overhead – and a real prospect of a peek at midtable. Gasp! 6pts apiece from Belletti and Zaki were the main highlights, but can they do it again this week when a cup outing is also on the menu? Don’t expect a shock when they host Never Knowingly Undersold is my opinion.

Real Galacticos had a decent week as Sam Lewis’s squad picked up another 21pts to go in the sock drawer of their season. Robinho and Kuyt were responsible for eleven of those points, though van Persie also chipped in with a vital 3pts.

A 19-point week for Leedslads underlined that they are anything but a spent force. A very rare 7pts from Malouda was the main feature, and the signs are that the Chelsea midfielder may finally deliver up the sort of form that one would expect.

Chris Norman has had a poor start to the season, but his hopes will have been buoyed this week after a 19-point outing that included 15pts from the Roo and Kalou. Nermals Eleven now sit just 2pts behind Gary Linekers Legs XI, who had a bit of a mare after collecting just four points. Sarah Reynolds will have to make some changes to her line-up if a quick drop back to the Conference is to be avoided.

23/10/08.

It was a slow week for most teams in the Xtra Division, with only three teams getting into double figures. Those three teams all scored a dozen points, and wouldn’t you guess it, two of them met in the Chalice!

12pts for Chadwick Blah Blah Blah maintained a lead for Alex Chapman at the top, and even opened something of a gap as Argyle Sweater FC slowed up after a defensively fraught weekend. Zond Flint crashed out of the Chalice to his missus as a result. Oops!

In third place, Corinne Thornton looks as if she is getting back to firmer ground – a 12-point week that saw Anelka pick up five ensured that Greasy Chip Butties held onto that vital promotion place. There is, admittedly, a very long way to go, but at this stage of the season it keeps confidence and interest going.

In all the divisions there is something of a scramble in the bottom half as teams flounder around trying to get a bit of from to haul them away from the trap door zone of influence. This division is no exception. Matty the Camel HIC might have dumped the Chairman’s club out of the Chalice this week, but they look far from secure in the league. Similarly, Gary Linekers Legs XI is having trouble repeating last season’s consistency. JC Lives are perennial strugglers and this season is no exception. For Chris Norman in last place, however, it looks as if the game is all but up. Just 26pts for Nermals Eleven represents the lowest score in the league as a whole. One look at the defence tells the story: Five defenders – combined score: Minus sixteen. Build from the back, Mr Norman, build from the back. Expect all of this lot to be chucked in the next week or so. If it doesn’t happen Nermals Eleven will go down – it is that simple. Sit back and watch the bids fly in. The Fogghorn has that power...

08/10/08.

Zond Flint lorded it at the top of the Xtra Division last week and then promptly caught cold or a dose of the dizzies. Top spot in the league’s fourth division – heady heights, indeed.

Chadwick Blah Blah Blah took advantage, as Alex Chapman is wont to do, and four clean sheets and a goal from Defoe settled the Long Ashton outfit at the top of the pile. There’s only one point in it however, Alex, so don’t break out the Bölinger yet.

Also improving this week: Greasy Chip Butties. A 17-pointer included yet another goal from Carew as he took his season-tally to 17pts. Quite a buy now. Third place for Corinne Thornton is probably the highest position she has occupied since she was a Godbehere. Welcome back, Corinne; we’d almost forgotten who you were.

Week 7 was a rare good week for John Carter. 14pts included the first points of the season for Ronaldo – remember him? JC Lives are now on course for eighth place. Just believe, John; it can be done.

01/10/08.

No, not a comment on the chilly turn in the weather; Zond Flint excelled himself this week and leapt to the top of the pile in the Xtra Division. 21pts for Argyle Sweater FC was almost a career-best for a team that has traditionally struggled since they joined the league. Two five-pointers from Wright-Phillips and Denilson were the pick of the crop and you have to say that Zond’s mob is looking the business at long last.

Meanwhile Chadwick Blah Blah Blah is hanging onto ZF’s shirttails: a 14-point week that included 6pts from Richard Dunne, kept Mr Chapman smiling in second place.

Down at the wrong end of the table, it was a feeble week for the bottom six teams. All were reduced to single figures. The curse of Pompey – sounds like something out of the classics – hit Leedslads, Warmley Wombles, Gary Linekers Legs XI, and Nermals Eleven, after the Richest Team in the World walloped the Southerners.

25/09/08.

Alex Chapman and Zond Flint may be poncing about at the top of the league’s fourth division – and they had good weeks this week, I’ll be the first to admit – but the eye must have been drawn to the team rocketing into third place this week.

Real Galacticos – managed by Sam Lewis – shot into the promotion zone after a confident 19-point week that included contributions from Almunia (3), Barry (2), Lampard (3), Cahill (5), Kuyt (2), Robinho (3) and van Persie (3). Micah Richards dropped two points, but as he will be playing for the biggest team on the planet next week, we can overlook that. It was the highest score of the week across all five divisions. Well done him.

All the teams below third place underperformed this week. There’s no shame in that. But you should all be considering your positions. Someone in Dromedary Dealership wearing a tea-towel and sandals may be assessing your future even as I write...

And no: that’s not stereotyping, or racism. That’s satire, that is. Whatever happened to the working man’s game? Rupert, that’s what.

18/09/08.

Chadwick Blah Blah Blah might have had a quiet week – just 9pts from the defence – but it kept Alex Chapman in top spot all the same. However, it was enough to let Zond Flint’s Argyle Sweater FC close the gap to just 2pts thanks to Shaun Wright-Phillips resurgence at Man City. They’re the biggest club in the world, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Elsewhere, Paul Fogg’s Leedslads moved up to third place after his squad cobbled together an 18-point week that doubled their previous total. Paul’s score was top score of the week and included five clean sheets. There’s laundry for you.

Nestled in behind the top three are Greasy Chip Butties and Real Galacticos, who both picked up 14-pointers; Corinne’s haul came largely from the defence, Sam’s from his attacking options.

Gary Linekers Legs XI moved out of the bottom three this week, although Sarah Reynolds’s team barely made it to double figures. Deco was on the scoresheet again, though this time through just an assist. Meanwhile, Lescott continues to cause concern as Everton’s form stays stuck in the mud. A repeat of last term’s 50+ haul seems increasingly unlikely.

As the transfer deadline fell in the real world, the world went bananas in ours. Zaki went to JC Lives for a cut-price £0.5m; Pavlyuchenko was snapped up by Alex Chapman for his entire £4m budget and Sam Lewis blew his wad as well, getting O’Shea, Davies, Robinho and Jacobson for his pains. Ian Croom also spent the lot with Gary Neville, Silvestre, Riera and Xisco all being sent to the barber’s to get whatever haircut is now in fashion at Matty The Camel HIC. With Corinne splashing out £2.1m on Milner it was a profligate week, to say the very least.

05/09/08.

Alex Chapman’s Chadwick Etc might be grabbing the headlines and plaudits – top spot after a 13-point week that included an assist and a clean sheet from Evra – but the team to watch might be Warmley Wombles who notched up a 14-pointer to move up the table to fifth place. Jon Pavey had a lot of pressure on him to do well at this level after last season’s runaway success in the now-defunct Division 6, and this week he showed that he is still capable of turning the odd trick or two. Six points from his ManYoo defence and a run of assists from Modric and Ireland gave Mr Pavey plenty to purr about.

Argyle Sweater FC also had a decent outing this week, Zond Flint holding onto second spot, though he will have to do without Gerrard for the near future after the Liverpool midfielder picked up a groin strain in the midweek’s dire Champions League Qualifier. To think I actually stayed up to watch that dross!

Down at the bottom, John Carter is in familiar territory – bottom place with just 2pts to his name. JC Lives is a consistent outfit, though: 1pt a week so far means that JC should get to 40pts by mid-May.

Above John, Nermals Eleven are showing signs of improvement after an 11-point week that owed an awful lot to Elano – 6pts. Gary Linekers Legs XI also showed some signs of a return to form, though an eight-point week is hardly jumping through hoops of fire; in fact it barely constitutes jumping through hoops at all.

In seventh place Ian Croom remains inscrutable – just 5pts took Matty The Camel HIC’s to a total of 13pts for the campaign so far. It has been a quiet start for the up-and-coming rising star from last year’s Conference – still, it must be hard work appearing inscrutable with a dead Peruvian guinea pig on your noggin.

28/08/08.

Alex Chapman had the opportunity to be elevated to the Nursery Division in the close season but opted to stay down so he could enjoy the Auctions and the prospect of playing against inferior opposition for a season. It was an unusual ploy and it paid off for once. Top of the table after one week – 19pts – and already Mr Chapman must be preparing the cigars for May. A goal and an assist from Arteta, and a brace from Ashton were the main features of Mr Chapman’s opening volley to his rivals and one wonders what else might be to come.

Zoned Flint also had uncommon flying start to the campaign – 16pts thanks to an adrenalized Agbonlahor who hit the net three times to announce that he is more than just a junior player. Unfortunately, Zond dropped points from Hart in goal – what did I tell you? – and a point from Young. Otherwise Argyle Sweater FC could have been sailing away at the top.

Leedslads made it into third place – another team that lost out because of a wayward defence. Corluka scored, but lost points at the back, whilst Campbell and Valente lost points that had been eked out from elsewhere in the defence. One can only imagine that there was a lot of poring over the match reports and squad listings on Sunday and Monday. Out with those chequebooks everyone.

A shocking week for Chris Norman. Nermals Eleven start out on minus eleven. It could have been worse; Chris’s defence dropped 10pts on the weekend, but were saved by the contributions of Elmander, Young and Elano. Mr Norman’s house will look as if the burglars have been around this week. That chequebook must be somewhere...

21/08/08.

Each year it gets harder to anticipate where the shocks will come in this game. Who is the next Alan Shearer? Who the next Roy Wegerle? Hmm, quite. It makes it a tough call for the Chairman to summon up his powers of divination and cast the runes regarding what lies ahead in the next nine months. However, using a mixture of arcane knowledge, tactical awareness, handwriting analysis and remote phrenology, the Chairman has done it again. Scroll down the page to be transported into a future where you will see...

What The Chairman Sees...

Real Galacticos

I predict it will be all change at the team that Sam Lewis built. He started off well at the back – Almunia and Finnan – but two Man City defenders and a Tottenham full-back? Blimey. The middle looks tasty: Lampard, Bentley, Barry and Bullard. A fourth B appears on the list in Ballack, who flatters to deceive and people fall for it every time. Van Persie and McCarthy will probably be the first choice strikers. Kuyt will be a supersub; Tuncay has yet to establish himself as real force, but he might prove a worthy foil to the amazing Alves (at Warmley Wombles) if Boro can relax and play.

Nermals Eleven

Everything is a bit of a gamble in this game. Chris Norman is obviously one to play the odds. Chris hopes that Everton and Pompey will do it again. I am prepared to believe that one of them might do it... but both? The back line has more holes than the Fab Four’s “A Day In The Life”. The midfield is where it picks up: Nani, Ashley Young, Elano, Lennon and Gutierrez. Rooney, Owen and Drogba compete for the front two. Elmander and Kalou are makeweights. If Senderos plays and the boss ditches the Everton/Pompey meal ticket, this squad might do well. But be warned, Mr Norman: you must rebuild quickly.

Chadwick Blah Blah Blah

He’s back. And that awful name is back, as well. So Alex Chapman spent another nine months trawling his grey matter for a better name than Chadwick-Freak Or Unique? But drew yet another blank. The team itself looks capable: The back four is solid, with the exception of Dunne. (Note to manager: you were.) Friedel will prosper at Villa; Evra, Terry and Cole look as impressive as ever; Gary Neville, too, if he features. Bale: we will have to see, but I have my doubts. The midfield is unspectacular, but will plod: Babel, Davies, Nolan and the decent Arteta. Defoe and Ashton look the ticket up front. Andy Johnson could do well at Fulham. Yakubu, as I have stated elsewhere, mystifies me.

Leedslads

Paul Fogg had another mixed veg sort of afternoon. At the back, Reina, Sagna, Alex and Carragher are the sweetcorn; Corluka and Campbell are the turnips. In the midfield, Nasri is something exotic that you once saw on special offer in Tesco, whilst Essien, Valente and Johnson are a carrot and pea combination that it’s hard to get enthusiastic about. Pedersen is almost a swede, but not quite, if you get my gist. Martins and dos Santos have flavour and rarity, but you wonder if you’ll only enjoy them from time to time. Bent is a green bean and might snap if he ends up out in the cold. It’s not an exciting mixture, but it is health conscious. Which brings me to...

Greasy Chip Butties

Another mixed bag. The back line is tempting fate here. Bosingwa, Arbeloa and Clichy, I like. Gomes is half-a-million that could have been better spent on a small chateau in South-West France. Distin and Jagielka might be worth it, but as I have stated elsewhere – I am riddled with doubts about Everton and Pompey this season. The midriff is going places: Petrov, Geremi, Downing and Valencia. Not stellar, but likely to stay on the books for the duration. Keane, Anelka and Carew: No concerns there. Jones might improve if he stays fit.

J C Lives

John Carter was proxied at the auction and ended up with an uneven team sheet. The defence – with the exception of Robinson and Upson – look the real deal: Beletti, Shorey, Ferdinand and Skrtel. Ronaldo, Fabregas, Utaka and Joe Cole give plenty of variety in the middle of the park, but with just Benjani and the unknown and presumably youthful Vela up front, alongside the somnolent Anichebe and Voronin, you have to wonder where the goals will come from. Another missed opportunity for John, I’m afraid.

Warmley Wombles

Jon Pavey did awesomely well last term and will be itching to get back to his winning formula. Can it happen? Well, the good news for Jon is that the defence is more than sound: van der Sar, Ferreira, Vidic, Toure and Bridge (if he features regularly) – that’s 200pts straight off. Up front Alves and Santa Cruz will dazzle and delight – Alves will be a revelation this term; he is wasted at Boro and will be snapped up by a big club next summer, if not in January. Kanu will exit within the first month, I predict. The midfield is less impressive. If Duff regains his form he could be instrumental, but he is older and slower is my guess. Modric will score penalties, so no fears there. Ireland has his moments. Benayoun is essentially a good player, isolated and forgotten by the all-powerful rotation plan at Anfield, a lost talent who watches on forlornly as the world moves on around him. What a waste. So what of the Wombles? With a little wheeling and the odd bit of dealing, who knows what might happen? The sky? Well, certainly the ceiling...

Matty The Camel HIC

Ah, yes. That haircut. First, though, the front-line: Torres and Berbatov look swell. Viduka looks a bit more swell, and Mido looks so swell Tim Marks (Seven Of Nine) holds him up as a role model. Bellamy is still looking at those coloured shaky things with a gleam in his beady eye. In the middle, Anderson and Kranjcar will probably make the big step-up this campaign, Faubert should arrive and draw admiring looks, Rosicky and Diouf will have much to prove. Only Cech has any pedigree at the back – the rest make me gasp with horror. Knight might redeem himself, but he has looked decidedly shaky in the past. Still, what do I know? I never thought a spider-plant could walk and talk, let alone turn up at an auction and bid...

Gary Linekers Legs XI

Sarah Reynolds got back to successful ways last term and so much might be expected from the league’s solitary treble winner. However, a quick look at Gary Linekers Legs XI reveals that this is very much a side built around consolidation. Lescott was a buy straight from the heart, hoping that he will repeat last season’s astonishing irruption. It will be a very hard act to follow, and my feeling is that the bar has been raised to an almost impossible height. Everton’s inactivity in the market doesn’t bode well and their form seems to alternate each season from light to darkness. I have similar concerns about Pompey as I have explored elsewhere – though I think they will score plenty of goals. Deggen, Brown, Gallas and Agger are sound investments. The midfield sees Sidwell take a key role, and maintains the hope that Deco is more than a last-touch-before-the-assist man. Gera and Pienaar might disappoint; you certainly can’t see them filling the back pages. A front line built around Tevez seems a brave move to me; I can’t see Diarra or Carlton Cole being big hitters in this, or any, season. Jo, meanwhile, is the great leap into the unknown that we all need to take from time to time. At £0.9m it was a cheap leap.

Argyle Sweater FC

Zond Flint didn’t have the best of starts at the auction: Hart and Warnock might have talent but defences are all about consistency. Young at Villa is worth a punt – Villa are always improving and if Martin O’Neill makes things tick at the back... Carvalho was a snip at £0.6m, meanwhile, and Hyppia continues to defy the years. Gerrard is the outstanding man of the team – at £4m he had better be, anyway. Halmosi, Digard and Etherington will need to make an early impression if they are not to be left reeling in the fantasy football gutter of the discard pile. However, whilst they are in the gutter, Adebayour and Agbonlahor will be looking at the stars; Bendtner, too, possibly. Crouch, meanwhile, will be an absolute star. Pompey might struggle to keep clean sheets this time around, but the strike force can have few worries. Chopra scored the first goal of the last campaign – after the first week he faded. If Saha goes to Sunderland it could prove interesting, if a little unlikely.


WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT D: XTRA DIVISION
FINAL TABLE MAY 2009

15/08/08.