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In a Christmas fixture glut you would think that three teams in the same division all getting 31pts would be enough to grab any number of headlines, but it wasn’t the case. The real star of the show in the Nursery this week was Liversalts FC, who had snoozed along nicely of late but never really got into their stride. All that has now changed however, and though Sarah Pearce remains in fourth place, the gap has closed considerably. 45pts over the holiday period also handed Miss Pearce Manager of the Month for December, after a 90-point month that included 16 goals, 8 assists, 10 clean sheets and just 12 goals conceded. The Chairman, incidentally had the fourth best score for the month – 78 – which came as a bit of a surprise, to be honest.

In the same area of the table, then, three teams hit 31pts, though perhaps even more strangely, there were no cup fixtures for them to record freak draws. Partick Thistle Nil, Mount Morget Gas and Hull Tigers all broke the 30-point barrier to end the year on a relative high.

Down at the bottom it was a glum plum pudding for the Wood household. Minus two points for The Minus Touch ensured that no-one wanted to pull Matt Wood’s cracker and he now duly sits rooted to the bottom of the Nursery Division, 89pts adrift of his nearest rival. Billy No-mates Matt was a bad boy, children, and that’s why Santa didn’t bring him any points over the festive season. Now go and stand on the naughty step, Matty, and don’t let us hear from you again until the Auctions.

Incidentally, whilst on Matt’s parlous performance, I should mention that just 2pts in the whole of December is the worst December score ever recorded in any league anywhere in the country in the entire history of this game.

I don’t know if that last stat is accurate, and frankly I don’t care; that is the power of journalism, my friends: Just saying it makes it true.

01/01/09.

There is only one real story in the Nursery this week – all else is mere frippery.

A walloping gert 26-point haul this week from Barry Thompson’s Fortuna Huggies opened up a huge 42-point gap at the top of the league’s Third Division and crushed the hearts of all that follow – including moi. Astonishingly, only two of the haul were clean sheets, and none of the points came from Ronaldo. How impressive is that? The main provider was Malbranque (7pts), though even Charles N’Zogbia got in on the act, and even more remarkably, Robbie Keane, as Baz’s boys bounded along like gazelles in full flight.

All of which is worthy of plaudits. However, here is the real clincher of the class that presently graces the top of the Nursery:

Fortuna Huggies are now 16th nationally in the Fantasy League pecking order. We are not worthy.

26/12/08.

Barry Thompson has been racing away from the pack for so long that it comes as something of a shock when he has a quiet week. In the top 100 nationally, it has been a stratospheric rise for a manager who has never really hit form in recent years – certainly not since his Supreme Championship title of 1997-98. Ten years in the doldrums is a long time – ask the Chairman – but 41 goals to date indicate that Baz is resurgent, even if this week was something of a damp squib. Just 8pts for Fortuna Huggies this week - shocking.

It was a similarly quiet week for Paul Rabbitts – just 3pts. However, Partick Thistle Nil remain far enough from fourth place to cause concern.

In midtable the best scores of the week came from Liversalts FC (16pts) and Hull Tigers (18pts) and both teams are now in a useful position to sneak past the Chairman into third place as the Christmas pile-up of fixtures begins.

Down at the bottom it was a suitable morose week for Matt Wood – just one point and a total of 84 to date. The Minus Touch are now the lowest scoring team in the whole league and 8660th nationally. That’s Sac de Merde territory. Should have let his son buy the team.

19/12/08.

After his record-equalling week last week, Barry Thompson might have been forgiven for thinking that a slump in form was on the cards for this week. Not a bit of it. The highest score of the week in the Nursery and across the entire league – 26pts – saw Baz extend his lead at the top to 28pts over his nearest rivals – Partick Thistle Nil – and 59pts over third-placed Mount Morget Gas. Keane and Anelka were the main providers – 6pts apiece – and also kept Fortuna Huggies well up in the national rankings (32nd).

A rare good week for Dan Hooper saw him into the last eight of the Chalice and off bottom place in the league. 21pts included a brace for Tuncay, the top scorer.

Dan’s good fortune consigns The Minus Touch to last place – a dismal showing for Matt Wood who must be scratching his head and wondering where it all went wrong; that’ll be his mum going into labour, then. Expect a clear-out from Mr W next week. Hart, Bale, Knight, Eboue, Jo, Distin, Di Michele: all must go if the lacklustre Mr Wood is to retain any credibility.

14/11/08.

With an extra block of fixtures in midweek it was a chance for managers to maximise their points potential, and many grabbed with both hands. Some, however, got a bit greedy; Baz shovelled his up with the bucket of a mechanical digger.

Yes, I never thought I’d ever write this, but this week Barry Thompson’s Fortuna Huggies equalled the League Record for the Highest Ever Weekly Score. The record, set by the Chairman’s team – then named Emerson Blake & Palmer – has stood since 29 December 1996. I have lost count of the times that I have said that it would probably never be beaten, and I stand by that statement. It has, however, now been equalled. 53pts in one week is a formidable achievement and just for the record here is the scoresheet:

Cech 6pts
Aurelio 3pts
Shorey 1pt
Toure -1pt
Agger -1pt
Ronaldo 12pts
Kranjcar 3pts
van Persie 7pts
Martins 9pts
Keane 2pts
Anelka 12pts

Remarkable. However, Baz must be kicking himself that he played Agger and Toure – both of whom dropped points; had he not...

That said, though, I still maintain that the Chairman’s achievement was the more impressive in terms of performance and delivery – after all, I had to keep the uneven Emerson, Nathan Blake and Carlton Palmer in my side all season! Looking back at the League Archive, I am surprised to find that the record-score attracted little in the way of fanfare:

“Week 16 was the icing on the cake as all eleven of my first team got on the scoresheet. Everyone played their part in what was a team effort but I would like to single out two recent signings who have turned things around at the club. Gary McAllister, released by Red Sea Bottom Feeders [Barry Thompson; ed.], was an obvious choice with the arrival of young master Huckerby at Coventry. Huckerby’s speed makes him an obvious target for bad challenges in the box, and who better to convert penalties than Mr Mc? You can always rely on him to miss them when it matters, too. The other new face to arrive at Emerson Blake & Palmer was that of Gianfranco Zola. And what a face. I thought I had a mug to frighten babies, but the little Italian makes me look like a cherub. The last time I saw anything as ugly it was sixty foot up a church tower with a water pipe sticking out its gob. Yuk! Still, sixteen points since he joined the club means that Gianfranco has a face that only his manager would love” – (The Fogghorn; 4.19)

Back in those days – the league’s fourth season – we were all still relative novices. I think we thought that we would pluck 50-point weeks off the Fantasy vine every couple of months. Will anyone ever beat that 53-point tally again? I can’t see it, though I will personally give a Free Franchise to the first team that does. That’s how sure I am that my – and now Baz’s – record is safe.

06/11/08.

Trevor Jones finally made it out of the bottom three this week, just when you thought the Babykisser had thrown in the towel and settled for a nice snug cosy place in the Xtra Division again. Three clean sheets and a 5-pointer from Adebayour propped up the morale and a first goal from Pavlyuchenko were enough to signal that the bearded wonder is back. However, three points dropped by Titus Bramble will not have impressed his boss. Frankly, it’s a wonder anyone still gets caught out by the Bramble Factor, he has undermined so many teams in the past. Expect him to be ditched in the next round of bids.

At the top, Paul Rabbitts continues to blaze a trail – yes, I know, I can hardly believe I’m writing it myself – and has now opened up a 23-point gap at the top. Three clean sheets and a 5-point effort from Carew were the main meat on the bones of Mr Rabbitt’s impressive week.

Hull Tigers have been rather eclipsed of late by their namesakes in the real world, but Mark Fogg was on song this week as his squad notched up an 18-point week thanks largely to a goal and two assists from Agbonlahor. Mark may still be in the drop zone, but any return to form has to start somewhere.

30/10/08.

Paul Rabbitts returned from his Pacific and Panamanian adventures to a virtual avalanche of points this week. 26pts propelled Partick Thistle Nil to the top of the Nursery, and the chief architect of the resurgence was the Roo. That burst of recent form bodes well for anyone who shelled out for the England hit man at the auctions. Goals from Walcott, Osman, Ireland, Riera and Bent all added to the mix. All that remains now is for Rooney to pick up another metatarsal injury or a nagging groin strain and the usual state of affairs will no doubt be resumed. For now, however, Paul can get back to that basking semi-recumbent posture he has successfully adopted in recent weeks on board the SS Lazygit.

The Chairman might have been shouting “Bring on the Wall!” as six of his seven defenders finally turned out this week, but the Dale Winton impersonations didn’t get very far as the injuries and tactical changes took their toll. In the end, it was up to Zaki and Berbatov to get matters back on track, which they duly did, leaving Mount Morget Gas sitting pretty in second place after a 22-point week.

Finally, a mention for Matt Wood, who has been curiously absent from despatches in this noble organ, of late; you might have some outstanding talent in your dressing room, Mr Wood, but when will they actually bother to perform where it matters? As long as Matt sticks with that awful defence we can all sleep peacefully in our beds, people. Sweet dreams, everyone!

23/10/08.

The Nursery Division looks a bit different this week after Barry Thompson had a blistering week to torpedo the hopes of his rivals. 21pts from Fortuna Huggies put them firmly at the top of the Division – well, not that firmly, there is only one point in it – to outstrip Partick Thistle Nil and the Chairman’s Mount Morget Gas. 6pts from Wes Brown and 5pts from Anelka made up half the tally in a division that promises a close title race all the way to May.

Only the top two got into double figures and the bottom four looks much as before: The Minus Touch, Limping Club, Hull Tigers and Bobs Boys all struggling and well adrift of the rest. Three of these four could probably be consigned to the fourth tier right at this moment and nobody would miss them.

08/10/08.

Which has to be one of the oddest headlines I’ve ever come up with.

A massive week for Partick Thistle Nil as they chalked up a 17-pointer that will set the gold-standard for their season and pushed them into the glare of top spot. Goals from Carew and Rooney and six points from Bosingwa would have given Mr Rabbitts a grin that spread from San Francisco to Panama (cue the palindromes...).

Meanwhile, the Chairman had a half-decent week: 14pts might not send the division into paroxysms of jealousy, but such weeks are the bread-and-butter of promotion challenges. Three clean sheets and goals from Young and Zaki – what a steal he has turned out to be! 600k! – kept things bubbling along nicely. With the addition of Zamora to the squad, Mount Morget Gas can lurk quietly confident in second place. The Chairman isn’t after glory; promotion will do nicely.

All of which was bad news for Mark Carter; Hammerheads had a slipshod week – just 7pts – and the news of a six week lay-off for Drogba will not have lifted spirits at the Leeds-based club.

30/09/08.

A man, a plan, a canoe, pasta, heros, rajahs, a coloratura, maps, snipe, percale, macaroni, a gag, a banana bag, a tan, a tag, a banana bag again (or a camel), a crepe, pins, Spam, a rut, a Rolo, cash, a jar, sore hats, a peon, a canal – Panama!
Paul Rabbitts packed his suitcase this week and he had plenty to whistle about as his flip-flops and sunglasses went into it. A 22-point week for Paul saw his squad move up to second place, thanks to sterling performances from Dunne and Bendtner, who bagged 6 & 5pts respectively. Whether Paul can keep it up as he drifts along the Panama Canal is another matter of course.

A quiet week for the Chairman: just 7pts, including another assist from Berbatov! But will he ever score?

Meanwhile the bottom three teams are locked in the twenties. Trevor Jones, Mark Fogg and Dan Hooper have yet to show any degree of form. The season is but young – perhaps the Chalice will bring out the best in them. Or perhaps not.

25/09/08.

Defoe, Robinho and Yakubu. That was all it took for Mark Carter to consolidate and push the Chairman off top spot this week as his Hammerheads snuck into top spot. A goal from each of Mark’s strike force more than made up for the absence of Drogba.

The Chairman held grimly onto second spot, but it was a close run thing. Just 9pts for Mount Morget Gas was a bonus in itself as Berbatov’s assist cancelled out the points dropped by Evra and Vidic – now banned for that second bookable – and a soft plonk – you couldn’t even call it a shot – crawled in on Monday night (or was it Tuesday morning?).

Fortuna Huggies keep up the pace this week, after a 16-pointer that included the two assists from Arteta. Just 3pts shy of top spot, the Angolan outfit will be chuffed at that goals-against tally: just 9 conceded to date; only the Chairman and the Spawn have defences as watertight. Oh why did I say that and tempt fate?

Liversalts FC stay in contention – 10pts shy of the top. This team is managed by Sarah Pearce – not Mark Fogg as it may read on the FL website!

18/09/08.

The Chairman might have been happy to get off the mark goals-wise this week after contributions from Zaki and Beletti, and he will have been delighted to have secured top spot after a very impressive 19-point week, but he will have been worried by the form of MC's Hammerheads (20pts) and even more concerned at losing out in the bidding frenzy this week as the Window closed in the real world and managers got caught up in flurry of emails and virtual cash flying through the electronic aether.

The Chairman has spent a bit of money so far, as he picked up Zaki and Silvestre. Silvestre might have seemed an odd choice as Mount Morget Gas already look very solid at the back (just five goals conceded to date) but he was a replacement for Senderos and the temptation to grab another Arsenal defender was too strong. But it was money spent and consequently, the Chairman lost out in the race to sign the new talent arriving this week. The Chairman was particularly interested in signing Wright-Phillips after his move to Man City. However, the League’s Supremo lost out to his sister’s outfit, Liversalts FC who secured the services of the midfielder for £2.6m - £0.3m more than El Chairo bid.

Elsewhere in the transfer market, Robinho went to MC's Hammerheads for a whopping £5.7m, Pavlyuchenko went to Limping Club for £4.1m and Nasri finally found a home, going to The Minus Touch for £0.5m. Apparently, Matt Wood felt sorry for Naz as he was left forgotten in the pot. A shrewd buy. Perhaps.

The weekend saw Fortuna Huggies maintain their steady hunt for glory – a dozen points that kept Barry Thompson in third place. Six of Barry’s haul came from van Persie, who is finally looking like a Man for a Whole Season. Again – as with all the Arsenal squad these days – one has to add the usual qualifier: “perhaps”.

Paul Rabbitts slotted nicely into fourth place after his Partick Thistle Nil secured a 10-point week, though the inclusion of Warnock cost Mr R 3pts. I have a feeling that there will be a bit of rivalry between Mr Rabbitts and the Chairman during this campaign. All I can say is that it is none of my doing.

05/09/08.

Not a single goal to date means that the Chairman failed to grab top spot this week, though he lies level on points with Partick Thistle Nil on 25pts.

It was a quiet week for the man at the helm, which looked very quiet indeed before the Monday night game – just 2pts in total before the couple of clean sheets and the assist that the ManYoo contingent scooped up for Mr Pearce. The Chairman, however, is not worried about the goal drought – at least, not yet.

“The Berbatov saga is dragging on a bit, it’s true, but there are more than enough goals in the midfield once they get going,” was all the Chairman could say. “I have made a purchase this week,” he added, “replacing the soon-to-depart Senderos. Silvestre will be a natural fill-in for him, and another Arsenal defender always helps me to sleep more soundly at night.” Will the Chairman be the first to secure a title without scoring a goal? Watch this space.

Partick Thistle Nil sit in an unlikely top spot after two weeks, thanks to an extravagant 16-point week that could have been better had Paul Rabbitts’s defence not let him down – four points dropped by Young and Upson will not have gone down well with the Trashton manager.

Fortuna Huggies – much tipped by the cognoscenti in this division – lurk just behind the top two after a workmanlike 10pts – the sort of score that would make us all happy on a weekly basis – dull but consistent. Liversalts FC share the same number of points, but lie in fourth on fewer assists.

28/08/08.

As the sun went down on Saturday in the Nursery there was a rare sight to be seen at the top of the Nursery – all too rare to my mind – the Chairman sat on top of the table after Day One of the new campaign. There was a lot of basking going on on the slopes of Mount Morget, I have to tell you. By six o’clock on Sunday, however, all that had changed as Hull Tigers rampaged to top spot courtesy of Agbonlahor’s hat-trick. If that wasn’t enough, Liversalts FC snuck into second place by a point as Sarah Pearce’s squad scooped up a couple of clean sheets from their Chelsea defenders to add to Ashton’s double on Saturday.

The Chairman was momentarily upset by the sudden slippage – especially as neither of his Chelsea defenders featured – but it wasn’t a bad return for the first week. And it is a marathon, to coin a cliché.

At the bottom, Bobs Boys are living up to every blush of the Chairman’s predictions. Minus three was richly deserved for the team that has everything – everything on the player list that occupies a midfield position, that is.

It was a quiet week for Trevor Jones. Last but one after a three point week that saw the Babykisser’s defence leak points like a rusty bucket. Everything the Chairman said about Pompey and Everton seemed to be uncannily accurate after Week One. Expect some changes in the next couple of weeks as the truth hits home.

21/08/08.

...If only he can catch the fleeting shadows of fate as they flicker in the glass ball of his oracle. Oh, alright; I don’t have a clue as to how it will all pan out, so here’s my best guess, instead...

Mount Morget Gas

The Chairman came in with a list as long as a small list and came away with a small list of what he was after, and a long list of what he wasn’t after. Almunia was very cheap at £1.2m; Evra was expensive but on “the list”; Vidic was also a pre-requisite; Bridge a happy punt as he had just signed a new contract and might feature; I had Beletti last time and liked him, though he hardly played for the latter part of the season. Hyppia and Senderos were unhappy accidents – Reader: I got stuck with them. The midriff was built around Bentley – Young was an impulse I liked and gave into. Halmosi, a wretched gamble. Faubert, caught my ear a couple of years ago – this could be the time for him to arrive, and I loved his Madame Bovary. Guiterrez dresses up as Spiderman in his spare time and I couldn’t resist; I’ve been to parties like that! Berbatov was a must buy – I let him go last term and regretted it. Dos Santos was a gamble – if he gets the service he could be an instant star. Dossena was a 12.45 Saturday or Sunday afternoon player – not high on the shopping list – I hate squad rotation and will throw my cap higher than I can cheer when Rafa and his like throw in the towel. All in all, a team I’d expect to push for promotion.

Partick Thistle Nil

Paul Rabbits has assembled a variable squad for this campaign. Van der Sar, Bosingwa and Carragher are reliable – unlike Dunne and Warnock – and may keep a good shape to the points tally for the defence. The midfield has Lennon, who I like, and a lot of other stuff that didn’t cost much and which I don’t. A Lidl midfield, then. The frontline is fulsome, however: Rooney, Bent and Carew. A lot of goals might arrive from them; what a shame they’re not likely to pop up from anywhere else.

Limping Club Toostokes

Last season’s Xtra Division champions go into the new campaign with a lot to prove. The Babykisser has been slowly inching up to the heavenly pastures of the top flight for some time. Div. 2 is just over the horizon. Sadly, I don’t think celebrations will be in order next May. Finnan, Cole and Gallas are a start at the back, but the midfield needs one big hitter. He isn’t there. I can’t see 60pts emerging from that part of the squad. Adebayour and Santa Cruz are likely to shine, but I think this club will just miss out.

Fortuna Huggies

Barry Thompson keeps slugging away at it, hoping to get back to the top flight and repeat his one spell as a glory outfit. This could be another season in Baz’s rehabilitation. Baz might have thought otherwise but I thought he had a good auction; in fact, the more I look at his squad the more excited I get for him! The one duff buy was Hibbert and I expect him to go in the first round of bids next week. N’Zogbia might go as well; I’ve made plain my disappointment with him elsewhere. The back line is otherwise solid. Cech, Brown, Toure, Agger. The midriff has big Ron and Krancjar, whilst Arteta and Malbranque are always worth having. The front looks very decent: Keane, Anelka, Martins, with van Persie coming fourth in a pecking order that is very pleasing to the eye. One more quality midfielder and this could be the best team seen in this league in a little while. Sorry, Baz – there’s the kiss of death for you!

Bobs Boys

What can I say? A nice midfield: Gerrard, Fabregas, Rosicky and Modric. What defence Dan Hooper has got, he paid too much for. Tevez up front. £19.7m paid. Will be lucky to get to 200pts. Awful.

The Minus Touch

Matt Wood kept a lot of money back for strikers and picked up Torres and Owen, which is fair enough, I suppose. Ferreira and Skrtel are OK at the back – the defence will need tinkering with quickly. Deco has a question mark over him – will his talent ever translate into points? Sidwell is a steal at £0.7m. Alves and Jo give The Minus Touch extra options up front, if needed. May scrape into a top three place.

MC’s Hammerheads

Mark Carter plays it canny at the Auction; stays quiet, bids only when he feels like it. The defence has some good aspects if it pays off. Sagna and Degen stand out. Kirkland in goal is a bit like Barton in gaol – not much use to anyone. Still, discard and start again. Bullard and Elano attract warm glances in the middle, Dyer should be back to form. Drogba and Defoe are the main men up front – Yakubu is an option and Kuyt may start from the bench on TV matches. Lots of money left. Dark horses for promotion.

Hull Tigers

Another proxy team. Only Terry looks certain to shine at the back, whilst Barry, Nani and Joe Cole can strut in midfield on occasion. Agbonlahor, Benjani and Eduardo is a strike force that is a little light, but it’s early days yet. Windass was a token buy, presumably. Still, I am not one to mock: to me he will always be Saint Dean. Like their namesakes, however, I see a season of graft ahead for this lot. Will do well to survive.

Liversalts FC

If Lescott does it again – how big an if is that? About 72 point is this font, I reckon – this could be the defensive line of the season – Reina, Clichy, Lescott – Hmmm - , Ferdinand and Carvalho. Lampard in the midfield is the only dead cert, whilst Crouch up front has plenty to do and will do it with aplomb. McCarthy, Ashton and Viduka provide strength in depth up front. Bellamy – well see my comments for Chasers Chancers. Promotion placed team for my money.

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT C: NURSERY DIVISION
FINAL TABLE MAY 2009

15/08/08.