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There was little doubt as to who was going to win this division, the only question was by how much and wether The Memorial Marauders would actually make it into the 600 league. In the end it was not to be. A 12 point week was a decent week for Adrian Downs, but by his recent standards it didn't really live up to expectations. The champion of the Nursery division finished nine points shy of the target he had set himself. That said, the season's total of 591 points that he acquired smashed all previous records and set a benchmark that all must aspire to. Adrian finished 76 points clear of his nearest rival. Ironic. That is precisely the number of points that I will finish above him next season. In the meantime, congratulations no matter how grudging must go to the undoubted manager of the season. And 118 goals wasn't bad either.

Jon Pavey picked up second place, his Warmley Wombles finishing up with 515 points; in any other season surely a championship winning tally. He gets to lock horns with Mr Downs, the chairman, et al next term.

You may recall a film out of Hollywood some years ago concerning a husband-and-wife pair of assassins. I think it was called Mr and Mrs Smith or something of the sort. I don't wish to overstate the fact, but I think we're going to have a similar set up in the inferior division next term. The promotion of Mrs Thornton to the Inferior division was secured this week after another steady outing from Greasy Chip Butties. Third place from Mrs Thornton was richly deserved and much will be expected of her next time around.

Top scorer in the Nursery division this week was Liversalts FC who picked up a further 23 points to boost their tally to 409. Nine of those points came from Drogba whose final score for the season was 113 points. The chairman was at pains at the last auction to point out the overpriced nature of this player. I hope you were taking notice.

As only one team is being relegated from this division - that team being Hull Tigers - Moody Blues, Real Galacticos and Bobs Boys survive for one more year in the Nursery division. Some might call that mercy; I prefer to think of it as pity.

15/05/10.

Most issues in the nursery division have now been settled. There is no doubt now as we enter the final week that The Memorial Marauders will be carting off the silverware come five o’clock on Sunday. With 579 points on the board they are well ahead of their nearest rivals, but it is growing doubtful as to whether they can finally reach the magic 600 point barrier. I am pleased to say that The Spawn will probably be eating himself up over that. With 117 goals to his tally and a national position in the top 50, not to make 600 will be cruelly ironic on the man who has ripped this division completely asunder in the last couple of months. My apologies. I'm finding it hard not to chuckle.

Going up into the Inferior Division with Mr Downs will be Jon Pavey and his Warmley Wombles along with Corinne Thornton and her Greasy Chip Butties. Liversalts FC will need a weekend of miraculous proportions to get anywhere near a promotion place. For Sarah Pearce, the Nursery Division is as good as it's going to get for the foreseeable future.

As far as Daniel Hooper is concerned, Bobs Boys can probably rest assured that they will survive at this level for at least the next 12 months. With only Hull Tigers going down, Mark Fogg will have to have an amazing final day to stand any chance whatsoever of staying up. Watch my lips: it can't happen here.

08/05/10.

The season is almost done and the Nursery Division with it.

It was another a massive week for Adrian Downs this week. Another 25 points took the Spawn's monthly total for April to 93 points. This was a slight improvement on March's total, though not by much. He only got 92 points then. Mr Downs had reason to Frank Lampard once again, as the Chelsea man picked up another 10 points this week. His tally for the season is now 94. There were other elements to The Memorial Marauders’ total, but frankly I can't be bothered to go into them right now. Mr Downs requires another 27 points to hit the 600 point barrier and I for one hope he does it, just so it can be said that it has been done in our league. That Mr Downs continues to rack up these points is evidenced by the fact that he is presently riding high in the national standings.

Warmley Wombles are by now out of the race for the title in this division, but they continue to perform well. 30 points for Jon Pavey was an exceptional score this week, and included three sixes from Gerrard, Milner and Warnock. The title may not be going to Mr Pavey, but his promotion is assured.

Going up with Warmley Wombles from this division will be Greasy Chip Butties who are now almost 50 points clear of their nearest rivals, Liversalts FC. Another 20 points for Corinne Thornton this week virtually assured her promotion to the league's second tier, where she will compete against Mr Thornton. Now that should be interesting.

With the top three more or less sorted in this division, the only question is who will be going down. The result of the recent poll indicates that only the bottom team will drop out of this league after Sunday week. Sorry Mark Fogg, but that's you. Hull Tigers are now 28 points adrift at the bottom of the table and barring another miracle week their fate appears sealed.

30/04/10.

Mark Fogg must be looking at his tea and shaking his head. Why didn't this happen earlier? 29 points was a dizzying haul for the nursery division strugglers and just goes to show that nothing is predictable in this game. Nine points from Cahill and an absolute stonking wonder goal from N'Zogbia were probably the pick of the crop, though a goal from Anelka would have given notice that the Chelsea striker is still alive. It didn't move Hull Tigers off the bottom, but it certainly gave Mark some hope - albeit small - that a Houdini escape might just be possible in the remaining dying days of the season.

At the top, The Marauders and the Wombles both secured 19 point weeks. Adrian Downs continued his recent admirable run of form with Defoe picking up a goal and an assist to take his season's tally to 64 points. With Lampard scoring and taking his tally to 84 it will take more than a wet summer to wipe the smirk off of Mr Downs's face. Jon Pavey meanwhile, simply had to enjoy the points for what they were. Second place is all that the Wombles boss can hope for, and promotion is surely its own reward.

Second highest score of the week in the Nursery Division went to Liversalts FC; 21 points for Sarah Pearce didn't really contain any fireworks though a brace for Taylor did wonders for Bolton and an assist for Drogba took the Chelsea hitman to 97 points. "I've never rated him". Did I really say that out loud, last summer?

23/04/10.

Whilst it was a quiet, even lukewarm week for most teams in the Nursery Division, the same could not be said of The Memorial Marauders. How many more points can Mr Downs rack up? It was another twenty-five this week, leaving all the managers in the league wondering exactly where they are coming from. For the record, The Spawny One has both Tevez and Adebayor in his squad - a neat little run of fate if ever I saw one. Three clean sheets did the rest. He will be keeping his fingers crossed for the semi-final of The Trophy go to underlying this weekend.

16/04/10.

Well this is all over and there isn't it?

Another astonishing week this week for The Memorial Marauders as Mr Downs went on another free scoring spree. 24 points from the front runner included eight Points from Adebayor and seven points from Tevez. Mr Downs has now broken the 500 point barrier and looks likely to smash all other records into the bargain. He has already accumulated 103 goals so far this term and one wouldn't rule out the 200 goal barrier going either.

All of this is quite cold comfort for Jon Pavey. Warmley Wombles haven't so much gone off the boil as been put in deep freeze. And a 14 point week this week did little to raise the temperature. Still, the East Bristol manager can content himself with the knowledge that promotion is almost assured and that next season he will be competing in the second division.

Also going up this season from the league's third tier is bound to be Corinne Thornton. Greasy Chip Butties might have had a meagre week this week - just four points - but a 60 point buffer surely means that Corinne - inordinately difficult to spell on voice recognition technology, apparently - will also be joining Mr Downs and Mr Pavey in Division Two.

Down at the Bottom of the Nursery, there is a right old tussle going on to avoid falling into the Xtra. The votes are yet to be counted on the ballot regarding relegation and promotion from and to this division, but any of the teams occupying the bottom five positions could in theory go down by the middle of May, though I think we may assume that Hull Tigers have virtually booked their position in Division Four; Mark Fogg had yet another awful week this week only picking up two assists from Cahill and Kranjcar. And then one of them was wiped out as Bale dropped two points in Tottenham's drubbing at The Stadium of Light.

Not everyone was struggling at the foot of this division this week however. A marvellous 16 point week from Bobs Boys might not have been enough to have secure a semi-final place in the Roy Pearce Trophy, that it was enough to provide a last desperate sliver of hope for Daniel Hooper. Defensive points from Friedel, Sagna and Cuellar were supplemented by an assist from McFadden and a goal - all too rare and probably impossible to spell using dictation technology - from Bilyaletdinov (!) to ensure that at the very least, Bobs Boys may just save their sorry skins by the close of the season.

09/04/10.

Jon Pavey once had it all. Now he has lost it all.

How to eulogise a week like that one? There is nothing one can say, except to say that the Spawn is back amongst us. Sauron is reborn.

Not a record-breaking week for Mr Downs and his The Memorial Marauders then – only 51pts rather than the 53pts that still stands proudly at the top of the listings for the Highest Weekly Haul. But still...

51pts included THAT 21-point glut from Lampard AND that 12-point picnic from Malouda. Add 9pts from Tevez. 8pts from Johnson. You get the flavour of it, don’t you? Oh, you want the rest, do you? Well, okay then, here it is in all its ghastly glory: Also on the scoresheet: Insua 3pts; Arteta 3pts; Adebayour 2pts. Thank the Fates That Preside then, for: Hart -1pt; Collins -6pts. A 58pts trawl would have been unthinkable. I think I would have packed up my laptop and gone out to do the weekly shop at that point.

And what’s behind the headline, this week?

One hundred goals this season for Mr Downs. Now that, I think, is a record.

01/04/10.

Just three points in it now.

A bit of a workout for Jon Pavey this week saw his Wombles close it down to 3pts in the Nursery, thanks mainly to Darren Bent. Meanwhile Adge took time out for a manicure and Vaseline bed-bath. With five points lost by his defence, something slipped up at the back, that’s for sure.

Highest score in the division this week went to Real Galacticos. 20pts from Sam Lewis included two goals and an assist from John Carew, and lifted the Kent-based team out of the bottom three.

It may all be academic if the vote goes for one down/three up. Get your votes in now on your division page on the FL website!

26/03/10.

They dumped the Webmeister out of the Trophy this week – another season goes by without the name Pearce appearing on the Trophy – and also tore up the form book in the Nursery.

Yes, the Spawn is back doing what he does best – giving everyone else a right old pasting.

25pts this week opened up a big gap for the former terror of the league and a twelve point gap is huge when the Marauders hit form like this. 7pts from Malouda and 5pts apiece from Bendtner and Defoe were enough to crush the spirit of the Wombles, who could only manage a measly 15pts. Not good enough at this stage against a man like Mr Downs.

84 goals to date for the Spawn.

Last item: There are only eight teams in the Nursery Division this season, so the league really needs a little bit of restructuring. The question is how to get ten teams in the division. The options as I see them are to have five teams go up from this division or just relegate one team from the Nursery. I know which option I favour. I will be organising a ballot either on the website, or by an alternative method, to canvas opinion, shortly. Be sure to make your vote count. Anyone who wishes to resign from the league needs to inform me ASAP so we can make plans – Auction Weekend 2010 is only four-and-a-half months away, folks!

18/03/10.

It’s over.

After an eternity at the top Warmley Wombles succumbed to the inevitable this week as The Memorial Marauders snuck past them and into top spot, even though Jon Pavey’s side were one of only three teams to get into double figures this week due to the FA Cup. Arteta was the main provider for Mr Downs, easily outstripping the 5pts of Donovan that was the Kingswood’s mob best feature.

Elsewhere, Liversalts FC also got into double figures as Vidic finally returned to contribute an all-too rare clean sheet. Just 16pts to date for the big man at the heart of so many defences up and down the land.

12/03/10.

Jon Pavey has been virtually sure of grabbing the silverware for the Nursery Division for so long that it came as a shock this week to discover that his lead has been cut to just ONE point in the wake of the resurgence of The Spawn of Satan.

Another 20pts for Mr Downs had left him breathing down Mr P’s collar as the season draws to a close and the polishing cloths come out of semi-retiremnent. Lampard and Tevez were responsible for closing the gap to unbearable narrowness and one has to suspect that the runners-up spot is all that will be left for the Kingswood man. He can’t even hope to end up level on points – look at that goals scored tally!

Wombles – 49
Spawn – 79

No contest, really.

In the agony zone, this week: more.

Real Galacticos secured a dozen to lift them above Liversalts FC by a mere 2pts, but enough to make it count. 6pts from Rooney was the weapon of choice in this misty dawn encounter.

05/03/10.

Sixty one points is now the gap to be closed by the rest of the table if they wish to overturn the massive lead that the top three have now established in the nursery.

Top scorer in the third division was Corinne’s Greasy Chip Butties who clocked up a meaty 22-pointer thanks largely to the defence and Ashley Young’s 5-pointer.

The bottom is starting to look like a four-way tussle to avoid the drop. As there are only eight teams in this division, perhaps we should have a ballot to see how many should go out through the trapdoor and how many come up from the Nursery to even it up...

26/02/10.

Not a lot of matches; not a lot to report.

Wombles kept up the pressure after securing a 15-point week thanks largely to Zamora’s five-pointer. For the Marauders it was Saha who was the main contributor to their 14-point haul. There is only a 19-point gap – peanuts in the scheme of things.

Basically this week, if you had Zamora or Saha you got a good score. Everyone else had middling weeks relying heavily on what clean sheets were around.

19/02/10.

Well, it’s hard to summon a roar from the subterranean depths of the Nursery.

But a cracking week all the same for Mark Fogg as his Hull Tigers hit a big 23pts to stay at the bottom of the division. 21 of those points came from the defence, so there wasn’t much to get worked up about, really. Still, the CS column looks healthier on the table, now!

With the top three looking fit to go up now, attention naturally turns to who will go down. Above the Tigers, Liversalts FC, Bobs Boys and Real Galacticos all look locked into a three-way struggle not to wind-up in the other two berths. The next twelve weeks promise to fly by in a host of scrambling arms, legs and God knows what. It won’t be pretty.

12/02/10.

A massive, massive, massive, MASSIVE week for The Memorial Marauders this week as they clambered to within 10pts of the former runaway leaders, Warmley Wombles. And did I say they had a massive week, as well?

35pts for Adrian Downs was the sort of score that got him the Spawn of Satan tag in days of yore. 8pts from Insua, 8 from Lampard, 7 from Malouda, 6 from Collins: need I go on? It was a tremendous effort from the Parson Street mob and now the only worry must be that the Chairman will go onto the FL site and change the name of his team from The Memorial Marauders to The Memorail Marauders. That’s what I keep typing lately, anyway. Bloody Alzheimer’s...

Not a brilliant week to be a Womble. 16pts would normally be a good shout at this game, but in a week with extra fixtures? Not on your Great Uncle Bulgaria. With six of those points coming from Reina, you don’t get much to crow about, in truth, do you? With Mr Downs now having a goal tally of 64, Mr Pavey daren’t even let him get level... Expect further distraction tactics from the ever-inventive Mr Downs in due course – next stage: litter in the front garden of Mr P’s burrow. That should keep the little buggers Wombling free for 90 minutes of a Saturday afternoon...

05/02/10.

With the top three virtually certain – at least, you would think so – of going up in May (especially for Warmley Wombles after another outstanding week – 22pts including that weird 6pts accumulation by Ashley Cole – see above) – attention turns in the Nursery Division to the relegation issues in this mini-league.

At present, there are eight teams in this division, which really needs rectifying. My suggestion is that only the bottom team should be relegated (hard cheese on Hull Tigers, but then, art can often imitate life as well, you know). The alternative is to promote wholesale from the Xtra. The question you have to ask yourselves is this: Do you really want the likes of Matt Wood and Guy Paling coming up into this nice neighbourhood? I thought not. Let me know your thoughts; I will ballot in due course on the FL website’s Chairman’s Poll section on each league page...

23/01/10.

Good Christmases for most of the sides in the Nursery Division, perhaps, but only three teams got any real benefit from it.

Up at the top Warmley Wombles kept up the breakneck pace with a 25-point week that maintained a 17-point gap over their nearest rivals. Three goals for Darren Bent and two clean sheets for Given were responsible for fifteen of the points, so a solid performance for the team leading the way.

A dozen points for Greasy Chip Butties wasn’t a bad week, but Corinne’s squad were outstripped easily by The Memorial Marauders after their 23-point Christmas saw them safely into the second place spot. Three goals for Tevez and five points for Insua were the highlights.

However, the performance of the week was reserved for the bottom end of the table where Real Galacticos finally showed the sort of form that has seen Sam Lewis gain acclaim in recent years. 30pts from the struggling Kent team didn’t move them out of trouble, but it certainly will have lifted spirits. Seven points from a generally underperforming Rooney and six points apiece from Corluka and Toure provided almost two thirds of Sam’s points for the festive period.

31/12/09.

A double block of fixtures in Week 19 improved the prospects of many sides in the league this week and the Nursery was no exception.

Things look quite stable at the top with just 16pts splitting the top three teams, but after a big 23-pointer Steve Moody looks to be on the fringe of breaking into the top three. Well, looking up at their departing bums, anyway. Six points from Diamanti – who has been bought and discarded more times than anyone I can remember – and a 7-pointer from Bellamy were the main feature, though Steve missed out on two goals from Crouch in the process. I’m not sure, but I think there was a selection dilemma there.

Further down the table, Bobs Boys has another good week – 25pts that although they didn’t move Dan Hooper out of the bottom three, at least gave him a fighting chance of doing so soon. Six points from Cuellar and another 5pts from Zamora were responsible for the bulk of Dan’s haul.

26/12/09.

Not a lot of points around at the weekend – just look at Warmley Wombles if you want to see what I mean – minus one – not impressive, but how much worse would it have been if the likes of Bent and Etherington hadn’t chipped in? Minus seven, that’s how much.

The main teams to shine were Chip Butties and Bobs Boys who excelled in their respective regions of the table – i.e. top and bottom. Kuyt and Zamora have hit rich veins of from for both teams and it showed this week.

With 9pts for Liversalts FC, it was a good week for the Chairman’s sister – Drogba was on target – out injured now, however, but fourth place looks remarkably healthy at this stage of the campaign.

17/12/09.

All very distressing for Bernard Cribbens, I’m sure. Giving my age away there...

Yes, another 20pts for Warmley Wombles as Jon Pavey’s furry paladins continued their inexorable rise through the divisions. 230pts to date and the only blot on the season so far is that two teams are staying in touch with them. Ten points shared by Valencia and Milner were the cheering heart of this performance, though the defence cashed in amply, as well. I think promotion is almost a certainty – the question is, can he bag the silver as well?

And a good week for The Memorial Marauders too. It all seems to be going swimmingly again for the former terror of the league. 19pts for the Spawn this week included four goals for the front line. 48 goals this season is an impressive haul by anyone’s standards. If only he’d bought Marlon King at the start of the season: his tally would now read:

Goals: 48

Gaols: 1.

How many seasons have I been holding that one back?

10/12/09.

The top five teams in the Nursery may be scoring freely at present, but an ominous gap has now started to appear below them.

The drop seems almost certain for the bottom three teams, though we are only in the first week of December. All a bit worrying for Real Galacticos, Hull Tigers and Bobs Boys, then.

Sam Lewis might have harboured hopes of a rapid rise to greatness like his old man, but it doesn’t look likely at this stage. The only points for Sam this week were minuses, as his squad dropped 3pts to leave them 47pts adrift from the teams above. A quick drop back to Div IV looks more like it.

Hull Tigers had a better week – getting into double figures – just. However, the only points from outside the defence came from Bullard – an ominous sign it itself.

Bobs Boys meanwhile, don’t look to have enough of anything in any department. 16 goals, 14 assists and 16 clean sheets tells its own story. Even Carragher is having a nightmare. With just three points to date this season, you have to wonder at his price tag. For Bob Boys it’s £1m a point.

03/12/09.

Five goal hauls don’t come along every week, so when you do you have to crow about them. I’m not answering the phone to Adrian Downs this week. With Lennon (9pts) and Defoe (15pts) in his squad it was a week to savour for the one-time terror of the league. 34pts for the week was a hell of a haul, and pushed The Memorial Marauders up to second place, just 16pts shy of top spot. However, Fantasy League’s League Report was sent haywire by Defoe’s antics – Adge’s team are now credited with having scored 55 goals so far this campaign, with Defoe having got 21 of them!

It was a steady week for the leaders. Warmley Wombles recorded a 17-pointer, the pick of the scores being Valencia’s 5pts. Perhaps the midfielder is starting to find the feet to fill Ronaldo’s boots. Or maybe I’m just talking him up in blind hope/desperation.

The bottom three teams all had sad, sorry outings. Real Galacticos and Hull Tigers struggled to 6pts a piece, whilst Bobs Boys hit a hopeful eight. Could have been worse: at least nobody had a Wigan defender!

27/11/09.

11-points from Agbonlahor and Terry were enough to keep Steve Moody in the headlines this week and empty all the oxygen bottles, as the league as one reached for their masks to stave off the dizzy spells. Shock isn’t the word for it. 20pts from Mr Moody is about as rare as a “modest outburst” from Mr Harding. Where will it all end? Not promotion – and valid promotion – surely?

Warmley Wombles maintained their lead at the top after an 18-pointer that included 7pts from Milner and 5pts from Wright-Phillips. It was all a bit pyrrhic, however, as Greasy Chip Butties were also getting amongst the points this week: 19pts, for Corinne Thornton’s mob, and a score that keeps her squad just 8pts below the leaders. Young, Fabregas and a rare brace from Roberts were the highlights.

A rotten week for Bobs Boys. Minus One. Friedel and Bridge dropped points to cancel out the one silver lining: an assist from Benni McCarthy. Like me, Dan can hardly buy a point at the moment.

13/11/09.

Which is...

Moody top scorer

Let’s face it: who would have predicted that?

Yes, folks, 18pts for the Moody Blues wasn’t the sort of score you expect every day, but then 15 of those points came from his defence. Five clean sheets this season is like waiting for all the planets in the solar system to line up. The rogue goal among the 18-point haul came from Dempsey. So that’s like waiting for all the moons to line up, as well. Well, done Mr Astronomy; now you can go back to sleep and wait for relegation...

Top spot was kept by Warmley Wombles this week after a 14-pointer that was also big at the back – Clean sheets/Assists from Evra and Carvalho, being the main bonus. However, Jon Pavey will be concerned at what is happening over his shoulder: 17pts for Greasy Chip Butties mean that Corinne Thornton is now only 9pts shy of the leaders. 5pts from Ivanovic – finally making a mark – and a goal from the returning Torres kept the pressure up on the top club.

A slow week for The Memorial Marauders. 4pts for the Spawn was hampered by three points dropped at the back.

Mark Fogg continues to struggle. A seven point week isn’t a bad effort, but when you are trying to clamber out of trouble, well... The thing with being at the bottom is that you never seem to get a whole squad to fire together (as I am finding...)

06/11/09.

An astonishing turnaround in terms of form, gave notice that Dan Hooper’s Bobs Boys haven’t entirely fallen by the wayside. Two goals and an assist from Rodallega might not have pushed the Nursery strugglers out of the bottom two, but it certainly gave the club a badly needed boost. 22pts this week means that Bobs Boys are now just 35 pts off safety. Ha! Just!

Warmley Wombles maintained their position at the top despite a poor 4pts that would have written a wavy line of worry across Jon Pavey’s smug mug. The midfield and attack just didn’t perform. Meanwhile The Memorial Marauders took full advantage, picking up points at the back and a big 6pts from Lampard.

Greasy Chip Butties recorded a 15-point week even though the defence leaked badly. Corinne Thornton lies just twelve points off the top now, giving the table an interesting look as we bear down into winter.

30/10/09.

But don’t tell Arsene.

A terrific week for Corinne Thornton – 19pts – pushed Greasy Chip Butties up to second place after Fabregas’s 11-pointer on Sunday. There is still a 23-point gap between Corinne and Jon Pavey’s mob, but an untypical slack week for Warmley Wombles – just 2pts – will swell the hearts of all in this division.

Not a good week for The Memorial Marauders – just 6pts – meant that the Spawn slipped to third. Worryingly, Moody Blues gained ground after an 18-pointer that included four assists. Fourth place for Steve Moody is the highest standing since records began, or at the very least, since the back-pass rule was introduced.

Down at the bottom, Hull Tigers and Bobs Boys are already looking as if they may have been cut adrift from the rest. A truly awful week for Dan Hooper – just 3pts; it would have been six had it not been for his Arsenal and Liverpool defenders who lost him 3pts. Sign of the times, I guess.

06/10/09.

Yes, folks... the Wombles are on fire. 29pts for Jon Pavey this week means that Warmley Wombles are way out in front of the Nursery Division – 118pts. Strewth!

Ashley Cole (8pts) and James Milner (5pts) produced almost half of Jon’s points for the week, though there were contributions from all around the park. Now the BIG news:

Warmley Wombles are now in EIGHTH place in the National Rankings. Congratulations Jon on a job well done. Whether you can keep it up is another matter.

It was also a good week for Greasy Chip Butties – 24pts. Torres and Kuyt did most of the work and third place was more than ample reward for their efforts.

25/09/09.

Warmley Wombles had yet another stonking week – 26pts – to put them way out in front at the top of the Nursery. 50pts to date. Not bad for a two-week haul. At this rate, Jon Pavey will hit the 1000pts barrier by May!

The Memorial Marauders kept up their welcome return to form – second place now with 43pts and the Defoe effect in full swing.

A slow start for Real Galacticos – Sam Lewis is scoring points, but not in a way to make waves as yet. Much is expected of the youngster in this division, after his meteoric rise to prominence and last season’s Xtra title. If Sam can keep up the steady accumulation of points, we might have forgotten all about Warmley Wombles by the New Year.

28/08/09.

Goals from Eduardo, Gerrard, Bent, Gallas and Upson were the main features of a storming weekend for Warmley Wombles as Jon Pavey raced to the top to put the frighteners on everyone. 20pts for an opening week is more than enough, thank you.

Elsewhere it was more of a sedate amble. Liversalts FC and Hull Tigers both did well to record 14-point weeks in spite of considerable access problems in the hours leading up to the start of the campaign.

However, The Memorial Marauders had a sleepy first week that has now been eclipsed by a gigantic midweek – 29pts have now left the Spawn basking at the top.

Not a great week for Bobs Boys – bottom place, though unusually, not an Everton defender in sight...

22/08/09.

Having narrowly missed out on promotion last year it will be a big year for former Supreme Champion Sarah Pearce, whose Liversalts FC must prove their mettle by getting out of the swamp in the middle of the league that is the Nursery Division. It won’t be easy, but her squad has plenty of potential and a top three finish shouldn’t be out of the question. The defence is solid – Cech, Richards – if Man City deliver – Vidic, Skrtel and Evans. the only blight is Konchesky if Fulham fall short this time around. Pienaar, Taylor, Riera and Nasri won’t set the world aflame, but it looks like a steady campaign for most midfielders this term. Keane, Drogba, Davies, Jo and the underrated Fuller will provide a fair bit of firepower up front – if they all stay fit and play. Not a bad XV from proxy Tom.

Does Mark Fogg get this game? I’m not sure. Hull City might have come to grace the top flight in the real world, but their almost-namesakes, Hull Tigers in Div III of our league are still struggling. Why is this, you might ask; after all, Mark has been playing this game for a wee while now – over 12 years. If I had to put my finger on it, I’d say the reason is this – he buys good players. That can’t be the reason you protest, but I haven’t finished yet... the reason is that he focuses on a few good players and fills out his squad as if it was a mince beef pie – i.e. with a load of crap. Agger, Zhirkov, Modric and Cahill look good don’t they? So does Robinho, van Persie, Anelka and maybe Bullard if I’m feeling generous and sorry for Foggy. The problem is the rest of it. OK Shorey will probably be alright and Kightly is untested at this level, but... Eboue and Geovanni, Hughes, Assou-Ekotto – did anyone else dip in for him? Thought not – and finally Schwarzer. There’s a lot of rubble filling out this squad. Perhaps Mark is building a driveway and needed the hardcore... or maybe he’s building a bridge over the Humber (too late, Mark; you’ve already got one, as Brother Andy kept telling us). There will be changes and this team might have enough to have an outside chance. But really, Mark needs to zip up his gob and let someone else take the strain at the auction. Only advice Mark – look into your soul and tell me that you rate Assou-Ekotto – I dare you...

Not much wrong with Mrs Thornton’s outfit this year. I am talking about her team and not her wardrobe, in case you wonder. Paul Harding did the biz and did it very shrewdly, if you ask me. The Thornton’s were in SA this summer/winter and PH deputed for Corinne. The back line has a workable look to it: Howard, Clichy, Rafael, Ivanovic, Davies – not bad. Ballack and Carrick lack thrust in the middle, but Young and Fabregas, Jenas and Kuyt make up for it. Torres needs no eulogies from me, and Ebank-Blake might be a wonder. Carlton Cole gets better and better and looked awesome last night. Santa Cruz could be a gem, again. A team to reckon with, not flashy, but will last the course, I feel. A top four finish for Greasy Chip Butties.

Steve Moody got promoted in 07/08 thanks to a reshuffle and last season it showed as he plummeted back to the division he came from. This season sees Moody Blues go for a more defensive, solider approach and I’d be surprised if they don’t bounce back at the first attempt. Van der Sar, O’Shea, Bosingwa, Terry, Lescott and Vermaelen looks like just about the strongest defense in the entire league of 49 to me. Can’t fault that. the midfield is understated: Dempsey, Rosicky, Delap and Osman – no real fireworks, but enough to chip in from time to time. A choice of Crouch, Agbonlahor, Scotland, Jones and Beattie ought to be enough to secure 150-180 in my books. Welcome back to the Inferior Division, Steve.

How the mighty have fallen. Once there was a time when people would go in fear and awe of Adrian Downs, The Spawn of Satan. Entire divisions would be eaten up by his point-gathering exploits, his last ditch 39-pointers to secure the league title, his deft “leave it till the last second” bids at the Auction. Not any more. Now looking like the wheezy fat bloke on a business junket, the boss of The Memorial Marauders is surely just going through the motions, delaying his inevitable decline and tumble into the forgotten reaches of the league. He’ll be playing the newspaper leagues, soon. So, does the Xtra Division await The Man from Parson Street? Well, no. This is actually a good squad that he has put together – mind you, I said that last time and it looked good for the first half of the season. Jaaskelainen isn’t the best of starts, admittedly, but he’ll get replaced. Then it improves: Johnson may benefit from the shirt he wears – though I don’t rate him much, myself; I have it on authority that Insua is a step up for Liverpool; Hangeland should be fair enough at home – if he does move to Arsenal – looking unlikely now – but if he did, that would be a bonus; Rio Ferdinand is rock solidly reliable (as long as he isn’t in an England shirt). The wheezy fat bloke has a less than flabby midriff, strangely enough: Lampard, Lennon, Murphy and Eagles. Tevez, Adebayour, Defoe, Owen and Yakubu up front, look awesome to me. Is Malouda a forward this season? Not sure, but expect him to get shifted out early on – Like many of his compatriots at Chelsea, he blows hot and cold – I don’t expect Adge to keep patience with his drift. A team to go up.

It is quite a strong division as there are eight in it, and Bobs Boys keep that up. Dan Hooper only bought midfielders last term; I defy anyone to be able to name a single member of his squad last time outside the middle of the park. This season has a bit more balance. Friedel, Bridge, Sagna, Carragher, Alex, Aurelio looks like a good back-line. Fellaini, Arteta, Ireland, Walcott, McFadden looks a dependable middle. Berbatov, Heskey, McCarthy, Campbell have limited points up front, however, and at least one striker will need to be signed quick. A middle of the table team, with an outside chance of going up if it is tweaked properly.

Warmley Wombles went up last term, but Jon Pavey is about to learn that it is a big step up to this level. the back-line benefits from Reina/Given, Evra, Gallas, Cole and Carvalho. Less so, Warnock and Upson. Gerrard, Wright-Phillips, Valencia, Milner looks like a load of points in midfield. Bent may be a star on Wearside, but where is the service going to come from? All these middling Premier squads buy all these big-name strikers, which is fine, but if you can’t get the ball to them because your midfield are rubbishy ratbags, what’s the point? Eduardo and Pavlyuchenko are the other two strikers. Perhaps a bit light up front – good strikers, but Jon may need another one to get the most out of the patchwork quilt of the fixture list.

Real Galacticos won the Xtra Division in the dying days of the 2008-09 season and will have high hopes of doing the same in this division. It may be a tough nine months. The defence is a bit wobbly: Almunia is fine and Toure will do okay at Man City – at least, at home; Pantsil may be okay at home; Jagielka is a rock, but when will he be back? Baines will depend on Jagielka putting some steel back to the Everton defence. Finnan is a good player, but all managers avoided Pompey like a plague pit – Portsmouth will go down this term, and the defence now leaks like a bucket on an organic farmyard. Arshavin (only £4.2m in this division) will be worth 80-100 points, so the midfield only have to turn up and run about a bit – no point in watching Benayoun, Nani, Pedersen on Sky Player Cam – all they do is run up and down the pitch puffing their cheeks out. Arshavin will do all the work of this midfield. Rooney and Carew will shine up front and Johnson may chip in if he feels like it. Kalou – striker? Who knows. Another anonymous Chelsea body who drifts and picks up points as and when he can be bothered. If Sam can make a few changes and chooses wisely, he may feature in the promotion race, but he needs to get his skates on.

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT C: NURSERY DIVISION
FINAL TABLE MAY 2010

14/08/09.