INFERIOR NEWS The Second Division: The quality of this division has definitely gone up since last season.   CUP COMPETITIONS...CHECK OUT THE FIXTURE LIST...

In the end he finally held his nerve. A couple months ago, and perhaps even less than that, you would have put your hat on Phil Martin walking away with this one in his pocket. It was not to be. It has been a remarkable resurgence from Trevor Cowles and his Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds in the last few weeks to enable the once former supreme champion to get his hands on the Inferior division trophy. A 16 point week on this final week of the league season ensured that the man from Charlton Road came home safe as champion. Seven points from Lampard gave him plenty of breathing space. Congratulations, Trevor. Whether he can repeat it again in the top division remains to be seen next term.

So Phil Martin has to go without silverware this year. Will he mind? Somehow I doubt it. Phil may be a bit prickly about losing the title at this stage of the season but promotion is the real prize. And the chance to replace Tim Marks in that division will be more than sweet, I should imagine.

The third promotion place in the Inferior division went to Andy Woodward. All well and good, but it was only academic: Andy is determined to resign and so he will not be taking up his place at the top table of the league next season. We wish him well in a life away from fantasy football. Is there such a thing?

Ben Jones and his Courage Haddock did well to secure fourth place over a long and difficult season, and only Ben can understand what an achievement that was. Most of the teams in this division yo-yoed between fourth place and bottom of the table. It's been a hard year for all concerned. Meanwhile, the same could be said for Jon Ward and his Rajadan Rovers. Fifth place looks pretty good after such a torrid campaign.

It was a nervous final week of the league season for the chairman. Mount Morget Gas were another team that had lived in almost every place on the table this season, with the exception of the top two places. A 20 point week for Martin Pearce settled the nerves, however. In the end the chairman was 13 points clear of danger. But I can tell you that I do not want to go through another season like that.

Sentiments that I suspect are shared by Barry Thompson at Fortuna Huggies. Around Christmas and New Year you would have got very short odds on Barry finishing in the top three of this division. 98 points in December was a record monthly score this season, and he followed it with a superb 68 in January. At that stage anything seemed possible, and promotion seemed a dead certainty. However, most of us have been playing this game for a little while now and we know that there are no certainties. That Barry managed to survive was something of a miracle, especially when you consider that he only picked up eight points over the final week of the league season. As with Ben Jones, Jon Ward, the chairman, Tim Marks and Trevor Thornton, Barry can do it all again next season. They will be joined by Adrian Downs, Jon Pavey and Mrs Thornton. Sorry Corinne, but getting this thing to accept your name is a nightmare and from now on your first name will be known as "Mrs".

Going down from this division are the following:

Chasers Chancers managed by Steve Gingell, Partick Thistle 357 managed by Paul Rabbitts, and Treading Water managed by Lee Stefano. All three teams failed to do enough to avoid the drop and so consequently they will ply their trade in the Nursery division next term. Commiserations to them all, but I think it was fairly obvious that the best teams stayed up at the end of this extremely arduous season. Class will out, after all.

14/05/10.

With just one week to go before the end of the season in the Inferior Division, there is still all to play for.

At the top of the table, Trevor Cowles holds a very slight advantage as he goes into the final week with his Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds. 15 points for Trevor at this week included goals from Lampard and Tevez and three assists from Jerome, Fletcher and Pedersen. It wasn't a massive score but it may be just enough to bring home the bacon to Charlton Road.

Of course, all this will be especially galling to Phil Martin whose Buffys Club led the way most of the season. Personally, I feel that Phil should be grateful for small mercies; at least he will be progressing at the end of this season.

Solidly in the third promotion place as the division rounds Gambon and goes into the final straight, so to speak, Andy Woodward looks assured of going up - if, that is, he chooses to take his place among the gods of the Superior Division. Smug XI had an excellent 17 point week this week and look very unlikely to be caught by the teams immediately below them.

At the other end of the table, confusion reigns. It would be a brave man, or woman who would bet on who the three teams that will go down will be come five o'clock on Sunday. With Treading Water, Chasers Chancers and Partick Thistle 343 presently occupying the bottom three positions it will be a long Sunday afternoon for Lee Stefano, Steve Gingell and Paul Rabbitts. However, that said, the two managers above, Martin Pearce and Barry Thompson also have plenty to be worried about. Although the chairman had an exceptional run out in midweek, adding another two goals and a clean sheet to his tally, a buffer of 12 points is nothing at this stage of the season. Mount Morget Gas have been squirming their way to safety from most of the season, and it was perhaps inevitable that the struggle to stay up would continue into the final week. The team presently lies in sixth place, just above Barry Thompson and his Fortuna Huggies. Barry has had an unfortunate season, wildly veering between outlandish success and despair. That his side should be in this position as we enter the final week is nothing less than astonishing, though it has to be said that he has been exceptionally unlucky with injuries over the final few weeks of the season.

Meanwhile, it is all joy and delight for Jon Ward, the wee little scamp, after a 10 point week that included two assists from Johnson. Not a massive number of points, admittedly, but it is probably enough to save his sorry Wirral skin. Rajadan Rovers should be safely competing at this level next term.

08/05/10.

Just when Phil Martin had his hands on the handles of the Inferior Division trophy, somebody comes along and grabs it off him.

This week is all complete about turn in the race for the inferior division title, as Trevor Cowles picked up a 19 point week to inch ahead of long-time leader Phil Martin. 10 points from Lampard allowed Trevor to open up a very slender three-point lead, but he won't mind the slenderness of it: the mere fact that he is in contention for the title itself will be a shot of adrenaline to former supreme champion, Trevor.

Seven points for Buffys Muff Club represented an indifferent week that the team that has led the way for most of the season. It is interesting to note that both these teams at the top of this division have identical goal tallies, and almost identical assist tallies. However, should it come down to it, Trevor does have a very superior clean sheet total.

With the hustle and bustle at the top of the division, the last remaining promotion place is at a premium. A variety of teams have occupied this slot over the last couple of months and is anybody's guess who will be in it come Sunday week. At present, Smug XI holds sway and appear clear favourites to go up. 23 points for Andy Woodward this week served notice that although he may be resigning at the end of the season, he still intends to go out on a high. Six points for Aquilani and Friedel, five points for Arteta and Nani, and a goal for Kevin Davies were slightly offset by the two points dropped by Assou-Ekotto in the Tottenham/ManYoo game. However, this is a very flexible division in the scheme of things and any of the teams presently below Andy Woodward could theoretically creep into that magic third spot.

Well I suppose I'll say something about what's going on at the bottom though Paul Rabbitts appears to have shot his bolt and that scumbag Lee Stefano somehow still manages to stay ahead of me, the tosspot. If this goes on I'll just have to fix another poll so I stay up. Bugger. Who left that microphone switched on? And why am I always in Jeremy Vine's studio when I realise it?

30/04/10.

There is a bit of an unseemly tussle at the top of the inferior division, as Phil Martin and Trevor Cowles slog it out to be kingpin. However, the real story developing in this division concerns what is happening in the bottom half of the table.

It was a huge week for Rajadan Rovers as Jon Ward moved up to fifth after a 26 point bonanza that included three goals from Cahill and a brace from Taylor. Any worries Jon might have had regarding his Inferior Division status have surely disappeared now.

For the four managers immediately below Jon, the time has come to get in extra supplies of toilet paper and antiperspirant. For the chairman, Lee Stefano and Steve Gingell matters could be tighter, but not by much. All three performed moderately well this week, though not enough to secure safety. One good week could be enough to save themselves, and the situation takes on added significance with the position that Ben Jones now finds himself in. Courage Haddock are now barely above the drop zone, and could slip into danger all too easily. Of course, in the event that Smug XI do resign as promised, a realignment of this division will need to take place. This is all so complicated by the fact that Smug XI may occupy a promotion place at the end of the season. It's simply too complicated even to contemplate.

23/04/10.

With it being a quiet week due to the FA Cup there was little in the way of change in the inferior division. However, with Buffys Muff Club picking up a lone assist, Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds took full advantage with a 14 point week that leaves Trevor Cowles nipping at Phil Martin's ankles. Eight points from Tevez made up most of the weekly haul.

It was also a good week for Lee Stefano and his Treading Water. 16 points from the Kingswood outfit included eight points from Adebayor, two clean sheets and an unusual assist for Nugent. The bottom six teams are now so close in this division that the final league positions on the last Sunday of the season may have to be settled with the use of a crowbar.

16/04/10.

The struggle to avoid the drop in the inferior division is beginning to acquire more twists and turns than a basket full of Cobras.

After a good week for Paul Rabbitts last week, it was time for Treading Water to hit some form. Two goals and an assist from Adebayor along with the two goals from Darren bent contributed to a massive 26 point week for the struggling Kingswood side. Lee Stefano is now only 13 points shy of saving his season and only 40 points separate the bottom seven sides.

Recently fallen from grace, Jon Ward now finds himself in a real relegation dogfight, despite collecting an all too valuable 16 points this week. Six points from Johnson and an assist from Cahill were instrumental in restoring some credibility to Rajadan Rovers. It didn't do any harm to have Warnock actually contribute a plus score this week either.

09/04/10.

Just when you thought it was all over...

It was a massive week in the Inferior Division as Scrumpy Jacks upset all the formbooks and apple-carts they could lay their hands on, or stick a boot into.

45pts for Trevor Cowles put everyone’s noses out of joint and a huge 34-point chasm has now opened up between second and third place. 21pts for Lampard and a hat-trick for Tevez launched Trev into the giddy reaches of the division’s upper fifth and almost-certain promotion.

It was also a good week for Smug XI as Andy Woodward’s Smug XI clambered up to third place at the expense of Fortuna Huggies. A 21-point week for Mr Smug included a brace from Torres and eight points from the revitalized Baines. 27pts now for Everton’s prized full-back, who may or may not be on his way to Africa. Quite what will happen if Mr Smug actually gets promoted come May is another matter. The Chairman has today received notification The Smuggest One’s intention to leave the league this summer. The league would be a poorer place without him, I’m sure you would all agree.

Down at the bottom... well, it’s bedlam. Even Paul Rabbitts is back in with a shout of the title after this week! 34pts moved Partick Thistle 290 up a place, but anything can happen in the next half hour in this division...and probably will. Certainly, the Chairman only just managed to keep his head above the waterline this week as Jon Ward’s Rajadan Rovers slipped up after losing a hatful of points in the Villa debacle. For Lee Stefano’s Treading Water, it was even worse: minus six, leaves Lee not only treading water, but breathing it...

The real benefit of all those points went to Chasers Chancers, back from the dead and up to sixth. 26pts from Steve’s mob was a gift. Thank Mr Malouda, Mr Gingell...

01/04/10.

Well, it wouldn’t surprise anyone, would it? Phil Martin has been flexing his muscles for so long at the top of the Inferior Division for so long that... well, it’s a foregone conclusion, isn’t it?

All of which means that the remaining two places for promotion need to be sorted.

It was a poor week for Fortuna Huggies as Baz dropped points at the back. However, this team look a shoe-in for promotion to me. However, Scrumpy Jacks had a good week this time around to lift Trevor Cowles’s spirits and keep him in with a chance of scrumping second place off The Baz.

Meanwhile, Mr Smug has had something of a renaissance in recent week and has climbed out of the doldrums – lowest ebb was skirting with relegation a few weeks ago – to a very respectable fourth, ten points off promotion.

The fight for seventh place and above continues to mesmerise all involved. Unfortunately the Chairman’s squad is now so plagued by injuries that last week’s sudden rise to sixth place is looking like the last surfacing of a drowning man. I can see my whole Fantasy League career flashing before my eyes as I speak. Oh look, there goes that £12.9 million I spent on Alan Shearer the week before the Umbro tournament... and there’s that long last Saturday afternoon of the 94/95 season coming back from Twerton listening to FiveLive as Blackburn and Adge carted off the silverware...

26/03/10.

With Phil Martin’s Buffys Muff Club starting to splutter along at the top, the questions must be forming in everyone’s minds as to whether he can keep going until he crawls over the finishing line. Personally, I don’t think Phil needs have any fears. It’s in the bag.

The real question is who is going to join him in the top flight next term. At the moment the race for second and third place is a scrap fought about between three or four feral dogs that spend so much time snarling at one another that they keep taking their eye off the real business: building a commanding lead over the chasing also-rans.

It was a massive week for Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds as Trevor Cowles went barmy and scooped up a ridiculous 31pts to plonk poor Trevor into third place, where no doubt he will panic due to oxygen starvation, go into an hypoxic seizure and slide gracelessly down the table to be relegated come May. Eleven of the season’s unlikeliest points (from Jerome) were the main feature of Trev’s impending distress.

Huge week for the Smug One; 27pts from Andy Woodward’s squad lifted him clear of relegation fears for the time being and up to fourth. That’s all it takes to change your season, to make or break it, folks. Torres, Davies and Aquilani – oh, yes, forgotten about him (said Rafa) – provided 20 of those valuable points.

Last item: There are only eight teams in the Nursery Division this season, so the league really needs a little bit of restructuring. The question is how to get ten teams in the division. The options as I see them are to have five teams go up from this division or just relegate one team from the Nursery. I know which option I favour. I will be organising a ballot either on the website, or by an alternative method, to canvas opinion, shortly. Be sure to make your vote count. Anyone who wishes to resign from the league needs to inform me ASAP so we can make plans – Auction Weekend 2010 is only four-and-a-half months away, folks!

18/03/10.

Not much to report this week due to the FA Cup other than to congratulate Andy Woodward on an outstanding week after an 18-point week that left most managers gasping. It was the highest points tally this week in the entire league. Eight of them came from Arteta who is once again looking an astute buy and a late buy at that.

Elsewhere the Chairman was flailing like everyone else, though that flailing has turned to thrashing in the last few days thanks to Bent getting that hat-trick. The gap between Mount Morget Gas and Treading Water is now barely a point. Oh dear.

12/03/10.

I think the title in this division is sorted now.

A huge 21-point week from Phil Martin’s squad – including 6pts from Bellamy and 7pts from Fabregas – opened up a 41-point lead this week that surely can’t be eroded now. Game over.

The question is who will go up with the Buffs.

Fortuna Huggies look odds-on for a return at long last to the top flight, but any one of half-a-dozen teams could go up with them. This week, Courage Haddock and Scrumpy Jacks look the faves, though what can anyone predict after a season like this last one?

Ben Jones scooped up a 10-pointer in a week that held few gasps of excitement on the whole. Ben’s mob scored mainly at the back, keeping it tight.

Trevor Cowles meanwhile picked up a dozen thanks to Tevez and Lampard. All the teams below struggled to do much – myself included, though the sudden irruption of Pavlyuchenko has been a tonic to me and a comfort on these cold lonely winter nights. I ? my Pavly.

Partick Thistle 506 have had a stinker of a season that only promises to get worse, from what I can see.

The Fogghorn confidently expects Paul Rabbitts to change his team name to Partick Thistle 228 for his next stint in the Nursery in 2010-11.

05/03/10.

Despite his claims to the contrary, the Chairman is looking in a slightly better position this week after a semi-decent 14-pointer pushed Mount Morget Gas up to sixth, thanks largely to a six-pointer from Pavlyuchenko that was worth every penny spent on him at the auction. I’ve waited seven months to write that.

All of which means that the gap between the teams in the drop zone and those pushing for promotion is weirdly close all of a sudden. Just 33pts separate third place from relegation and it is now something of a lottery as to who will actually go up and who goes down.

My money is still on the Chairman to struggle, if only because of the list of injuries at the underperforming team, along with the makeweight that Robinho has become. Pavlyuchenko – getting used to spelling that, now – will have to feature a great deal in these pages if the Gas men are to stay up, let alone anything else.

26/02/10.

It was a quiet week with just a few fixtures, though enough for Steve Gingell to scrape up 19pts from somewhere – three clean sheets, 5pts from Zamora, an assist from N’Zogbia and goal from Malouda – to serve notice that he is far from sunk yet.

By contrast, it was a rotten week for Mount Morget Gas as injuries ran through the squad: Etherington, Cole, Wilkinson and Eduardo – all out for the foreseeable future. With Cole’s loss, the Chairman’s hopes of staying up are just about buried it would appear.

19/02/10.

It was a week of two halves for the Chairman. Mount Morget Gas had a spectacular week – 26pts was as good as it can get when you are struggling at the bottom of the table. However, it was not to last. The loss of Ashley Cole for the rest of the season was a big blow and may finish off any hopes of survival. Only a miracle can save the Gas now.

Buffys Muff Club continued to dominate at the top, this week: a 19-point week for Phil Martin giving him bragging rights again, as well as being only one of three teams to qualify so far for the next stage of the Trophy.

Elsewhere, it was a good week for Treading Water as they hit an 18-pointer to close the gap at the bottom. The smart money must either be on them or Chasers Chancers to avoid the drop.

12/02/10.

When you get to this stage of the campaign all you want to do is press on, especially if you are pushing for honours.

So: this was not a time for Buffy to hang around in the gloomy reaches of February, sharpening stakes, which is what Phil Martin’s team have been metaphorically doing.

Just six meagre points for the leaders was not a good return in a week that had a bonus set of fixtures in midweek. It was a sad and sorry outing for Phil’s team as only Kuyt, Ireland and Almunia picked up points, and thus allowed Barry Thompson’s Fortuna Huggies – struggling not so long ago – to steal a march on the former shoe-ins for the silverware. 30pts for Bazzer included an almost demonic trio of sixes for Luke Young, Carragher and Upson, not to mention another goal from the Roo, who must surely be in his best ever form in this game. Just 23pts split the top two now and a titanic struggle looks to be in the offing some time after the daffs come up.

Down at the bottom Treading Water and Partick Thistle 506 continue to trade insults in the Sub-200 Club, almost sharing equally the forty points they managed collectively this week, whilst Steve Gingell and the Chairman are locking horns, desperate to cling to the raft of their Inferiority. Someone will have his heart broken before very much longer, is my hunch.

05/02/10.

And that’s not beer glasses...

Buffys Muff Club may be coughing and spluttering their way to the Inferior Division title, but the real happening scene in the second division is going on at the foot of the table.

A whopping gert 26pts for Chasers Chancers gave Steve Gingell some breathing space above the battling Chairman’s Mount Morget Gas this week. Two assists from Rodallega and 8pts from Anelka were enough to allow Gingell to take a big breath before going back into the fray. However, the Chairman is far from down after a recent run of form after an autumn plagued by injuries. However, it is noticeable that had the Chairman held onto the players he had bought at the start of the season, he would be well above midtable by now. Too many bad buys, too much profligacy..

Meanwhile, it was a good week for Paul Rabbitts’s Partick Thistle 506.

Well, fancy that.

23/01/10.

All teams made it into double figures over the Festive period in the Inferior Division, but the biggest Christmas bonus went to Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds who clocked up an impressive 31pts thanks largely to Tevez, who has returned to form with a 9-point haul. With McCarthy finally getting off the mark – his first five points of the campaign, a real tilt at top spot may be on the cards for Trevor Cowles.

Ben Jones’s Courage Haddock moved into third place after a 22-point week that included an all-too rare 5-pointer for Hibbert. Is this the only team with Everton defenders left in it?

23pts apiece for two underrated teams this week. Firstly, Fortuna Huggies, who have been slowly clambering to safety in recent weeks and who sit in midtable as a result. 7pts from Rooney and 6pts from Corluka were the main features. The main question is how long can this mini-revival keep going.

The other team on form at the wrong end were Partick Thistle 506 who recovered this week after a dismal run in to the Christmas fixture list. Paul Rabbitts total included 20pts from his defence, though Cuellar was the cause of two points being dropped.

Buffys Muff Club might look runaway leaders, but this is actually quite a tight division with just 41pts splitting the bottom eight teams. well, we can all dream...

31/12/09.

It was a great week for the Chairman as his squad finally showed what they might be capable of: goals for Crouch, Eduardo, Murphy and Valencia were improved upon by a pair of clean sheets for Dunne and three assists from elsewhere. It moved the Chairman off the bottom and just three points away from safety.

It was an awful week for the Chairman. He got shot of Santa Cruz just as the striker started a game for the first time in living memory and then went on to bag a brace. Such are the vicissitudes of this game that eats us up.

Elsewhere, Smug XI gained some ground on the leaders after a 28-point week that included two assists from Vidic and a 5-pointer from Diaby. There are still 68pts to make up, however.

Fortuna Huggies had the best outing of the week in this division – 31pts that included a massive 8-pointer from Kranjcar. Baz has now made it into midtable – not safe, but pleasing for him.

Down at the bottom, it was a flat sort of week for Partick Thistle 506 and Paul Rabbitts – just 6pts. Four points dropped by Toure didn’t help.

26/12/09.

It was a sparse week as far as points went in the Inferior Division this week. Just Phil Martin’s Buffys Muff Club got into double figures thanks largely to Drogba and three assists from elsewhere and a goal from Kuyt. The gap at the top is now 64pts, so the title is already looking like a done deal.

Elsewhere, the Chairman used up his allocation of transfers and now has to grin and bear it – if he can. However, the bottom half of the table is looking quite tight – just 21pts split the bottom five and one good week can overturn the table at this stage. Paul Rabbitts must be most concerned – Partick Thistle 506 have started to stall of late and a zero point score this week will furrow the brow even further.

17/12/09.

Buffys Muff Club might be lording it over all in the Inferior Division, despite a lacklustre 7-pointer, but the bottom three were the ones writing the headlines this week.

A massively important 19-point outing from Fortuna Huggies didn’t launch Barry Thompson’s mob into the realms of heavenly bliss – well, not quite, anyway – but it will certainly have planted the germ of an idea that escape might just be doable. Eleven points from the defence – including a very rare assist for Carragher – and goals from Rooney and Arshavin were all welcome grist to the Angolan mill. With players of that class, how can this team be where they are?

The Chairman has perked up a bit lately, too. A 15-point week for Mount Morget Gas didn’t lift them off the bottom, but it certainly spurred the Chairman into action as he finally dandled a sandal and tested the waters of the Transfer Market. As of yet, the outcome of the bids is still to be communicated to the writer, but if they are successful, the Chairman will have played his Do Or Die! card in the game of Escape From Colditz that his season has become. He will have no more transfers left. Oh dear.

A good week for Steve Gingell: 14-points, plus a goal and a glowing reference for Bobby Zamora, whose name is now being mentioned quietly in connection with a place in the Hallowed 22 for South Africa. Don’t snigger; if Heskey gets injured again, or Crouch gets diagnosed with gigantism at long last, there could be a second statue of a Bobby outside Wembley in years to come.

10/02/09.

Another fine week for Phil Martin and his Buffys Muff Club as his squad recorded an 18-point week to stay well ahead of the competition. Although his defence dropped five points there was still enough in the bank to ensure that theirs was the highest score in the division thanks in the main to Giggs, Drogba and Duff.

It was a solid week for Ben Jones, too. 11pts from the division’s perennial underachievers moved them up to second, three clean sheets at the back counteracting the points dropped by Distin and Hibbert. Courage Haddock move towards Christmas in perhaps the best form they have enjoyed for years. Promotion in 2010? You can’t rule it out, just as you can’t rule out the phrase “England are the World Champions”. It just doesn’t seem that likely when you look at it closely. Still, who knows?

Another good week for the Wee Little Scamp. Four clean sheets kept Rajadan Rovers bubbling under the top three. A rapid return to the top flight can’t be ruled out for Jon Ward; sometimes I think he gets himself relegated on purpose, so he can just tease and annoy Paul Harding by coming back.

Fair weeks for Fortuna Huggies and Mount Morget Gas, though both teams are still adrift at the bottom. Both promoted teams need a big week to put them back in the race, though you have to say the rest of the division are moving away – slowly. but inexorably.

03/12/09.

Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds were the team that benefited from the presence of Defoe in this division, though it did little to bloat Trevor Cowles’s score, in truth. A goal from Fletcher and a point dropped by Lescott were the only entries on the scorecard on an otherwise featureless week for the one time Supreme Champions. Still, it did bounce them back to fourth place.

Buffys Muff Club continued their crashing pursuit of the title, after an 11-pointer that included rare goals for Ireland and Heskey. A 48-point gap now separates Phil Martin from Mr Smug.

Courage Haddock moved up to third after Lennon’s nine-point bonanza helped his manager to a 19-point haul. Ben Jones will need more weeks like that if he is to ever climb out of the doldrums his club has fallen into since coming into this division.

It was a rare good week for two underperforming teams in this division, as well. Treading Water helped themselves to an 18-point week as Bent and Adebayour got back to scoring ways, and Mount Morget Gas clocked up an impressive week with 15pts including five points apiece from Valencia and Crouch. The Chairman’s mob are still a long way from safety, however, and it’s hard to see where the points will come from regularly if he is to survive.

27/11/09.

No changes at the top of the Inferior Division as Buffys Muff Club and Smug XI kept on course with 11-pointers, but the big shock was Ben Jones, whose Courage Haddock produced a 23-point week out of nowhere. Milner, Agbonlahor, Wright-Phillips and Terry, in short. Astonishing. Ben is now in fourth place. I’m sure I’ve not written that for a few years, now I think about it.

It was a good week too for Paul Rabbitts, which was out of the blue as well. 19pts included a goal and two assists from Carew and Paul is now out of the drop zone. Erk alors, as The Lone Groover used to say.

Twelve points for the Chairman was a good score by his lamentable standards for this season. However, this week saw the season more or less come to an end for the Chairman – Bosingwa and Cole out with injuries, Murphy out, Robinho out and transfer rumours abounding. Plans are already afoot for a hasty rebuild and a rapid return to this level for 2011-12.

13/11/09.

Not – alas – the Chairman, but Phil Martin, that is.

16pts for Buffys Muff Club kept the leaders well out in front at the top of the Inferior Division this week – the pick of Phil’s score being the 5pts from the Drog. 43pts so far for Drogba is quite a score considering it’s only the first week of November. A look at Phil’s squad reveals that other than Drogba and Fabregas, there is little to get excited about in his team – Bellamy and Benayoun are his next highest scorers – 17 and 17pts respectively. With only six clean sheets at the back, it’s easy to see that goalscorers and not defenders are on top this campaign.

Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds had a good week this week: 14pts for Trevor Cowles sees his team up to fourth and eyeing a top three spot. Lampard and Deco were the main men – 5pts apiece.

Down at the bottom, Partick Thistle 506 did a bit of thrashing about in the cause of saving their sorry skins. 13pts put Paul Rabbitts within sight of safety – 2pts off it – but all of us at the bottom have the look of ramblers who have wandered off the beaten track and have ended up in the quicksand. Now we are all trying to keep still lest our efforts pull us further under. Oh dear.

06/11/09.

Jon Ward may be almost forty points off the top spot in the Inferior Division, but this week he hit a rich vein of form that suggests that he may be in the running for the title come May. Rajadan Rovers’ 24pts included the goal and assist from van Persie, not to mention another goal from Saha and a rare goal at this level from Ebanks-Blake. The wee little scamp is now in third place; another week like that and who knows?

Buffys Muff Club and Smug XI had passable weeks – 11 and 12pts respectively – which kept them pushing away from the pack at the top. With Treading Water recording a duck, the table is starting to look ominously pre-ordained.

Another awful week for the Chairman. Minus Two. The squad at Mount Morget Gas is looking terribly depleted at present with almost half the squad out with injuries last weekend. One member of the squad is out for the season now – Kyrgiakos – and a replacement has yet to be found anywhere. It doesn’t help that most teams in the Premier League – and particularly the Big Four - are finding it impossible to keep a clean sheet. So far this has been a catastrophic season – I can only hope to turn the corner some time soon.

30/10/09.

It was a huge week for Phil Martin as his Buffys Muff Club opened up a massive 32-point gap over their nearest rivals and slammed down the gauntlet. This is the team to beat in the Inferior this term.

One goal and four assists from Fabregas – 11pts for the week – took the midfield provider to 28pts for the season and his tally of assists to eight so far. Not bad for £2.6m. This looks like being his season. Cesc and Phil.

Smug XI had a weak week – just 4pts – underlining just how far Andy Woodward may have to go to wrestle that long expected promotion to the ground. Fortunately it was a quiet week for most other teams and only Treading Water did anything of note to close the gap.

Equal second highest scoring team of the week was Mount Morget Gas – hurrah! 10pts for the Chairman didn’t lift him off the bottom, but it perked him up, especially as he now has two weeks away from work to unwind and concentrate on the league. Next stop, Margate!

06/10/09.

Twenty goals so far for Phil Martin and Buffys Muff Club must be banking on an early return to the top flight. 21pts this week for the leaders included 5pts from the Drog and 6pts from big hitting – or perhaps that should be “big punching” - Craig Bellamy. Muff Club now lead the way on 76pts.

Also punching above their weight were Smug XI who this week clambered into second place with a 17-pointer that was bulked up by 6pts from Torres and a clean sheet for Friedel that was augmented by a goalie’s rare assist; don’t see too many of those...

At the wrong end of the table Chasers Chancers, Partick Thistle 506 and the Chairman are struggling. Enough of that for now.

25/09/09.

It was a somnolent first week for Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds but Trevor Cowles woke up this week and ripped to the top of the Inferior Division with a huge 31-point week; Defoe and Lampard, of course - as if you couldn’t guess that. It all goes to show just how changeable matters are in the first weeks of the season when everything is still in flux.

Buffys Muff Club continued their solid start – a ten-pointer that keeps Phil Martin in the early jostling for position, whilst Partick Thistle 506 moved up to third thanks largely to the £600,000 acquisition of Kenwyn Jones.

Down at the bottom, Jon ward appears to have settled on Rajadan Rovers as a name – for now. It was a quiet week for the Little Scamp, but it is early days yet. With Barry Thompson propping up the division, the table has an unfamiliar look to it at the moment.

28/08/09.

A cracking opening weekend for the Kingswood cabal in this division as Treading Water and Buffys Muff Club both tore to the top of the table. Lee Stefano’s mob got top spot thanks to four clean sheets and three goals. Phil Martin’s route was more predictable – Five goals and three clean sheets. Ten of the points came from Fabregas – like you couldn’t see that coming, eh?

In third place is Jon ward with his probably temporarily-named WouldyouliketogointoadministrationFC. A modest ten points for Jon to go with the name given to him by the chairman after an unusually vitriolic attack on the Chairman by Mr Ward, in which he referred to the Chairman as a twat. Perhaps Jon will be known as Twat FC by the end of the week.

Down at the bottom, it was the usual scramble to get going, with Smug XI being slowest off the mark (-2). Since then the Chairman has slumped into last place with a team that seem to be lingering in the first aid room or on the subs bench. Oh dear.

22/08/09.

If the top tier represents the pinnacle of our league – though some would doubt that – then what of the Inferior Division – the Second Tier? This season sees a tough line-up for any division, but the final clamber into the top division is harder than ever this time around. Three former champions are among the ten for this division and the rest are no pushovers. So let’s run the slide rule over them...

Andy Woodward’s Smug XI had a meteoric rise to this level, but things have rather stalled since they arrived. Mid-table seems to be as much as the moustachioed one can manage – he simply can’t get up any further, you might say. Well, this season might light the blue touch paper, but perhaps not. It’s a middling effort: the sort of team that nestles into midtable and clings. Vidic and Carvalho impress at the back, but Baines was a punt and Bouma and Friedel put a lot of faith in Villa. Who knows? A midfield of Fellaini, Nasri, Dempsey and Blake, complemented by Lucas and Nani looks a bit, well, ordinary to me, no real stand out talents. Keane and Torres look good upfront, and there is added ammunition in Davies and Kalou. But I suspect that the season will be long and dark and difficult for Mr Smug.

Ben Jones came down with Swine Flu at the time of the Auctions so Tom Campbell was drafted in to do the business. How did he do? Again, middling. Ben Jones is another manager who can’t seem to step up. Three good ‘uns at the back: Reina, Terry and Evra, but Pantsil and King will struggle and will be jettisoned early on. Midfield is decent: Barry and Lennon shine; Wright-Phillips is unquestionably talented and will be okay if he gets regular first team outings; Osman is almost a light bulb. Milner is a diamond in the rough and may flourish this time. Agbonlahor is the real gem up front, though Fuller will be makeweight. Andy Johnson will be lucky to get ten games; he’s had more injuries than I’ve had excuses for not winning this lark. The other two on the bench, Distin and Hibbert will last a month at best: Distin and the rest of the Pompey mob look a liability this season. Portsmouth are my first choice to go down. So, Courage Haddock – nothing to shout about.

Next up: Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds, managed by Trevor Cowles, proxied by John Lewis. I quite like the look of this mob. The goalie is Gomes, however, and I don’t like the look of him. Defence: Johnson, Richards, Ferdinand and Lescott. Yep, that’s good, especially if Man City manage to sort out the back line. A big if, perhaps, but one more defender – a big man-rock, might do it. The middle is pleasant: Lampard, Sidwell, Richardson, Fletcher, Lawrence – plenty of points there. Deco went for £0.2m – too much in my book; good player, but not a points scorer. Defoe and Tevez up front, with Kamara and McCarthy filling in where they can – that’s okay, I reckon. Trevor will be looking for a fast return to the top flight and he has often managed it in the past, though I think it may be a challenge too far this time around.

Barry Thompson had a cracking season last time around – absolutely stunning in fact. He was hardly out of the top 100 nationally, all term. Baz was stuck in Angola with Visa problems this time around and Steve Ferguson had to do the biz. How was it for you Stevo? Well, the truth is that Baz will have some work to do on this one. Robinson and Corluka at the back look troublesome to me, though Young, Carragher and Vermaelen should be fine. Onuoha still sounds like a place I stayed in New Zealand, but he may benefit by any revitalization that occurs at Man City. Arshavin is the star of the show in midfield and should be worth 90pts – after that who cares what the makeweights of Kranjcar, Babel, Murphy and Park get up to? Ballack got onto the list somehow, though I’m not sure how; perhaps he thought Baz’s team was a sun-lounger. Yakubu is up front with the other gem, Rooney. Baz must wheel and deal, but it could be a top three finish for Fortuna Huggies.

Skonto Reefa had an awful season in the league last term, though winning the Trophy will have been a comfort. At present, Jon’s mob is called Wee Little Scamp’s Crap XI, but I’m sure that name will change. As to his team, well, what to say? This team might push for promotion, or it might push to swim out of trouble. Cech is good in goal and Insua and Agger might be good bets if they play regularly – the rotation system at Liverpool is a matter of some debate among Fantasy League managers – I favour the stay-away-from-canals approach, personally – don’t touch ‘em with a barge pole. Hangeland might be a good buy, especially if he goes to Arsenal. Modric, Taylor, Walcott and Cahill look good buys and Zhirkov will probably excel if he gets up to speed quickly. van Persie and Saha can be relied upon if they steer clear of injury. Ebanks-Blake will struggle at this level (probably). Jiminez is an unknown quantity, Zabaleta also. Final verdict: Dunno, but I’m glad that face isn’t peering at me through the windows of the Annexe Conservatory anymore. I couldn’t sleep for a week after that.

Chasers Chancers have flattered to deceive in recent seasons – you always think that they will one day elevate to the top flight, but it doesn’t seem to happen. This year it might. Given, Clichy, Brown, Gallas and Evans, with Davies at Villa on the bench, is a strong back-line, and all the better for being a bit understated. If they all play it could be lemons all round on the Gingell Fruit Machine. Arteta – if he comes back – will be an asset in midfield and Malouda and Riera look fine to me. Question marks remain over the fitness of Dyer and Petrov – is Petrov injured? Is Dyer alive? The front line is led by Anelka – he will get 80pts this time – and Jo, who will prove many doubters wrong this time. Whether Beattie still has anything to offer is big ask and Zamora has this season to prove that he is the class act that many – myself included – believe. This is a good squad that will reward with promotion – probably. If it doesn’t, well he can always get it out of his system by hoiking-up in the back of the Hardy-mobile, can’t he?

Was there ever a team more suitably named than Lee Stefano’s? Treading Water have done precisely that for season after season – can they save themselves again? As the Pope said to Mother Teresa, it will be tight. Schwarzer and Konchesky at the back puts more faith in the powers of Roy Hodgson than I can manage, I’m afraid. I thought about Fulham defenders for quite a while before the Auction, and then I wisely put them back in the box and screwed the lid down. Bridge will do well at Man City, can’t deny that, and Skrtel will be adequate for the 15-30 games that he may or may not play for Rafa. Bramble was an interesting buy. Perhaps Mr Stefano has always wanted to be a pilot and he put his hand up when he thought he heard someone say “Scramble”. Alas, no, Stef; you’ve got Bramble. And good luck to yer. Ivanovic will be okay. A good solid buy, I reckon. The middle of the park looks promising: Gerrard – who I have never bought – Joe Cole, Downing and Jenas look like 150pts to me. Rosicky has enormous amounts to prove – but first he has to be fit. Carrick may collect points now that everyone is trying to be the New Christian Ronaldo – how surprised were you by his tally last time? I was. Adebayour up front is going to have a lean year, I think – too many strikers at Man City and if he doesn’t hit form immediately I can see him sliding down the pecking order rather rapidly. Bent and Bendtner sounds like a remake of Dumb and Dumber, only with Allan Carr and Graham Norton in the starring roles.

Phil Martin obviously went to the auction in order to flex the pecks and wow the other participants. On the whole it was an impressive performance. The back line will be okay if Everton shape-up again. If Lescott goes, however, it may knock the confidence of the Toffees squad. Almunia, O’Shea, Rafael look good – if they can hold down a place; Yobo and Jagielka, well I’ve stated my reservations. Woodgate was a rush of blood to the bicep presumably. No no no. Benayoun is underrated and ought to be picked more often; Kuyt, ditto; Ireland will store up points like a squirrel hoarding his nuts; Fabregas will be awesome, if he plays and if he stays. Geovanni and Kightly are fiendish experiments with the human genome at the top of a lightning-struck tower at the death of the Auction and will probably fall off before the leaves are being swept up in the garden of Pear Tree Hey. Bellamy may do well, if he plays. Drogba will have his best season yet. Heskey should be kept for special occasions: i.e. England games. Buffys Muff Club will have to fiddle and twiddle, but as long as they don’t do it in a public place, where’s the harm, officer?

Paul Rabbitts had as good a season as he has ever had – hence the new name: Partick Thistle 506 - and seems finally to be getting the hang of this game. This season looks very promising, though he will hate me for saying so. Howard and Toure are gambles, but ones worth taking, I feel. I nearly went down that road but got cold feet. Aurelio should feature from time to time – sorry, the Rafa raffle, again, I’m afraid – and Alex and Sagna are worth 70pts between them. Denilson and Gomez are questionable choices in the middle but, again, chances worth taking. Noble will do fine and Pedersen is due a stormer after an unduly quiet spell in his career. Berbatov will do wonders at ManYoo, after an average season last time – after all, now he has things to prove. Owen is a sub worth 50pts alone, irrespective of injury. Cole and Philips will contribute regularly. Carew could be a real steal and this may be his season if he stays fit. Finally, Naughton, the full-back at Spurs was a weird anomaly that arose as a result of freakish mind-control techniques exerted from the dark side of Long Ashton, where the evil, if ordinarily-named, Alex Chapman has his last redoubt. A top two finish for Mr Rabbitts. Death, here is your kiss.

Finally, The Chairman’s Mount Morget Gas 1993. Well, I had a plan, and some of it came off. The defence looks expensive, in the main – van der Sar, Cole and Bosingwa – whilst Djourou and Cuellar were cheap punts, hopeful but optimistic. The middle was a bonus really: Valencia impressed me at Wigan and I thought he would be even better at ManYoo. Young is worth every penny of the £2m I paid for him, though if he moves will he be the same player he is at Villa? Doubts, doubts, doubts. Pienaar wasn’t wanted, but nobody else would bid. Eagles did well at Burnley and may be a star now they have moved up a division; in fact, he may be their only star! The front line amazed even me. Eduardo can really shine if he stays fit – he has to step up now that Arsene’s options are limited. Crouch is a long-time love who I haven’t been able to get before. Santa-Cruz was worth a punt and has class – he also is well-liked by his manager. Robinho should be class, at least at home, when he plays. Scotland knows where the net is, and at the very least I hope that staying with his manager will keep him sweet. Pavlyuchenko didn’t have much of a season last time, which says to me that his second campaign should be better if he does “the-foreigner-thing” and comes strong in his second season. A gamble, but playing with the likes of Keane and Crouch, why not? Why ever not? If the front line can deliver – and if I get the chance to play them all – and if their managers in the real world play them all – this could be the team to chase. But I’ll settle for midtable respectability. And no going down again! Not ever! Fifth will do nicely, chaps. Now off you go and pick some rubbish for Saturday!

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT B: INFERIOR DIVISION
FINAL TABLE MAY 2010

14/08/09.