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Another 11pts from Robinho over the festive period ensured that John Lewis can virtually pencil in his Brazilian for the rest of the season.

I’ve just re-read that and it sounds positively bi-curious.

Anyway, no matter; 32pts for Never Knowingly Undersold ensured a half-respectable 81-point lead (81pts! Strewth!) over the Christmas period for the South-Eastern club and probably ensured promotion with it, as well. As mentioned Robinho was on form again, though Ireland and Arteta also chipped in with 17pts between them. The gap would have been greater, but Chasers Chancers scooped up a chunky 29pts to keep them in range with the binoculars if nothing else.

The Webmeister had a jolly old Christmas weekend, as well; 27pts pushed Los Intergalacticos up to fourth after Lampard and Gerrard did that 21-point thing they do so well at this time of the year. Rumour has it that The Webmeister ran into Gerrard whilst passing through Southport and slapped him on the back to congratulate him for his efforts. Unfortunately, the lively midfielder turned round and smacked him in the mouth for his trouble.

That was a joke in case the lawyers are reading.

01/01/09.

John Lewis might be lording it like a Fantasy Football toff at the top of the Inferior Division – strangely, I could see him done out as Lord Snooty, for some reason – but the real performer this week was Steve Gingell who shot up the table to third place after a 13-pointer that acted like a skyrocket lodged up his rear end. A goal and two assists were the – ahem – spark that was needed to re-galvanise Chasers Chancers into the fearsome outfit of old. They are still some way off second place – and a long way off top spot – that surely is already done and dusted – but Steve can open another bottle of Babycham as he sits down to his Boxing Day cold cuts and pickles.

It was snoozy week for Adrian Downs as The Memorial Marauders picked up a paltry 5pts to snuggle down in second place. The Spawn’s squad will have to look lively over the festive break if they are not to be caught by the chasing midtable mob. They might have seemed formidable over the first four months of the season, but Adge’s lot have to prove themselves over the coming months if they are to return to the top flight. Still, stranger things have happened – and some of them in Adge’s front room!

26/12/08.

No, he hasn’t been shopping for clothes in the bargain bin at Woolies – we’re talking gear in the engine room sense. Los Intergalacticos have been floundering about in the lower reaches of the Inferior Division since August, but have now hit a sunny spell for once. 19pts this week included 6pts from Gerrard and a further five from Kevin Davies. What was more impressive, however, was that this enabled them to climb into the top half of the table for the first time this campaign. As they were relegated last term the novelty must be doubly novel.

At the top of the table, Never Knowingly Undersold is still racing away with the title, though a meagre 2-pointer this week will have dampened spirits for the time being. With Mr Spawn and Mr Smug jogging along in second and third place, the table looks quite scary until you realise that Messrs Pearce, Gingell and Ferguson are right behind the terrible twosome. Anyone’s promotion, really.

Down at the bottom, Stuart Halson is having problems, underlining Real Madyid’s status as a yo-yoing club permanently stuck on the event horizon of Division 2/Division 3. Still, an eleven pointer did put Stu into double figures this week – only the forty-fourth team to make it past the 100-point barrier.

19/12/08.

The top five teams all got into double figures in the Inferior Division, this week; the bottom five did not. It’s a familiar situation – the haves and the have-nots.

John Lewis doesn’t care, whatever. A 15-point week – including a brace from Bent and a clean sheet and assist from Bosingwa (31pts to date) – pushed Mr Lewis up to 175pts and 50pts clear of nearest rivals, The Memorial Marauders. When a manager leaves the Spawn for dead you know that the title is already wrapped up. Never Knowingly Undersold – Champions Elect (a bit like “President Elect” but without the puppy).

14/11/08.

The double fixture block paid dividends for managers this week, none more so than the Webmeister, who woke from a Rumpelstiltskinian slumber to clock up a massive – for him – 36-point week. 12pts from Ronaldo – yes, he’s back! – was the pick of the harvest, though two assists from Jason Roberts will also have been a surprise. Next stop: Seventh Place!

John Lewis maintained his distance at the top of the division, though it was closed slightly by The Memorial Marauders who scored a score despite dropping 5pts at the back. Three goals for Malouda set managers racing to sign the Chelsea midfielder amongst those divisions where he is still available.

A new face appeared grinning at the promotion window this week, and it isn’t a face you want leering in at you on a cold wintry night in November. Mr Smug returned to form this week after a 23-point extravaganza that included 8pts from Alex – remember him? Well, you can probably forget him now; he’s had his once-a-year run out – back to the reserves he goes!

Moody Blues will be chuffed with their acquisition of Delap this week; the midfielder’s trade-mark throw-ins earned Steve Moody an instant return this week – two assists, as the Stoke man undid Arsene’s boys and helped themselves to the headlines that Hull graciously gave up for once.

I remember back in the early 70s Match of the Day or Grandstand running a competition for who could do the longest throw-in into the box – anyone out there remember that? The pitch was marked up with curved lines arcing across the box that indicated the distance, rather like the outfield of field events in athletics. Ian Hutchinson at Chelsea was the one to beat as I remember, his arms windmilling like Pete Townsend as he launched the ball almost forty yards into the area. The odd thing was that his arms kept going round and round after he’d thrown the ball; must have had a really weird ball and socket arrangement in his shoulders... the thing with Delap, though, is that his throws are so varied – he seems to be able to alter the trajectory, distance and speed with almost no effort expended. Wish we had him at the Mem; our throw-ins would not look out of place in the playground of the local girls’ infants...

07/11/08.

It was a pottering about sort of weeks for most of the teams in the league’s Second Division this week – a few double figures, but nothing to shout about, which makes the sudden blossoming of form for Never Knowingly Undersold all the more extraordinary. 64pts so far in October has enabled John Lewis to open a massive gap at the top of the table and with 28 of them coming in the last weekend, things look somewhat different now. Three clean sheets at the back, along with goals from Bent, Alves and a hat-trick from Robinho, plus a couple of assists from elsewhere were all it took for Mr Lewis to stretch his lead to 43pts.

Chasers Chancers moseyed into second place, overtaking The Memorial Marauders who had an indifferent week, thanks to points dropped by Scharner. Meanwhile, Ben Jones’s Courage Haddock did enough to keep in contention, as an 11-point week kept them fourth, thanks largely to another goal and assist from Carew.

In the relegation zone, Treading Water, Los Intergalacticos and Real Madyid are all still struggling, picking up just 14pts amongst them last week. Real Madyid’s Stuart Halson seems to be taking his Spurs affiliation a bit too far, however, as his squad emulate all too well the shenanigans that have been the state of affairs at White Hart Lane. With Steve Moody having a rare burst of form (18pts) the bottom three look rather isolated now. Expect some wheeling and dealing in the coming weeks as the strugglers attempt to claw back some ground.

30/10/08.

Never Knowingly Undersold had a week to remember, this time around: 26pts for John Lewis’s team that included goals from Ireland, Riera, Bent and Robinho. But even more satisfying will be the four clean sheets that stopped up the back door. KNU are now 24pts clear at the top of the Inferior Division, and all the squad are on the scoresheet.

It was a dismal week for The Memorial Marauders – 0pts as defenders undid the salutary clean sheet from Distin. This isn’t a case of the wheels coming off, but more a case of them not being on in the first place: one look at the Downs Snr’s squad shows that his team are in a false position.

A dreadful week for Mr Halson was inevitable after his defence leaked 7pts – only to be reduced thanks to a goal from Nasri. Minus four is not even consolidation form; unless, of course, you are aiming to consolidate your position at the foot of the table.

24/10/08.

The top three might be pulling away at the top of the Inferior Division – though The Memorial Marauders had a dry week with just a clean sheet from Cech – but it was the middle of the table that caught the eye this week.

Skonto Riga Reserves secured their best score of the season so far after a 16-point outing that had their strikers firing on all cylinders. Anelka, Rooney and van Persie all picked up points with the Sulks and the Roo also getting an assist apiece. Steve Ferguson might only be on 47pts and be in sixth place but this looks like a false position to me. There are a couple of weak links in the squad, but a bit of tinkering might put that right.

It was a steady week for the Smuggies as well. 11pts from Andy Woodward’s mob kept things ticking over and rumours of Mr Smug’s collapse are far too premature. A brace from Torres was the obvious highlight of a solid performance before the World Cup comes along again.

Down at the wrong end of the table it was a shockingly arid outing for the bottom three clubs. Real Madyid picked up just one point thanks to defensive lapses from Everton, and Moody Blues only managed a four pointer after Howard and Carragher dropped points. For Treading Water it was a similar story. Three points dropped in total by Young and Zabaleta counteracted the good done by Cole and Kuyt. Lee Stefano looks good for that last place; he will be hoping that Berbatov can settle in quickly to provide the goals his struggling club need so badly – just three to date.

08/10/08.

Which is what they have always done best, after all.

So, a high-scoring week for Mr Adrian Downs; 20pts sent The Memorial Marauders 9pts clear at the top of the Inferior as the Spawny One regained some of his old form – the sort of form that brought him three consecutive titles back in the nineties. Four clean sheets were the spine of this outing.

NKU lost ground as well as top spot this week – a quiet 8-point week that was basically a six-pointer from Bosingwa and a clean sheet from Terry. The Hull result cost Clichy and his manager a point. Those pesky Tigers, eh?

All of which was good news for the only Steve doing anything in this division. Chasers Chancers added another three goals to their considerable tally as they notched up a 16-point week. Just 11pts separate Steve Gingell from top spot.

It was a fair week for the Smuggies for once. Andy Woodward has struggled to find form this season, but not this week. 18pts moved Smug XI into fifth place and out of obscurity. Safe – for now.

01/10/08.

John Lewis may be opening up a bit of space at the top of the Inferior, but The Memorial Marauders aren’t far behind him.

An 18-point week from Adrian Downs’s squad brought a great deal of pressure to bear on NKU, thanks largely to Jo whose 5pts made amends for the 5pts that Distin dropped in the same match. It was not a week to have Pompey defenders.

Elsewhere, Real Madyid had a better run of it. 15pts for Stuart Halson’s men included yet another 5pts from Wright-Phillips, taking Stu up to fifth place and the struggling Steves at the bottom.

Meanwhile, Steve Pearce was left cursing as one of his transfers went in late, with the result that his Supersubs were disabled. Minus one resulted. And bottom place with it. Tough, and all the apologies in the world from here can’t put it right.

25/09/08.

Just five weeks into the season and the trends are already beginning to show themselves.

The top four teams in the Inferior Division all hit double figures and they all look to be pulling away from the rest of the rabble in the Inferior.

15pts from Never Knowingly Undersold kept John Lewis flying high as Robinho and Bent hit the net and Arteta conjured up two assists.

Steve Gingell’s Chasers Chancers equalled the leaders score as Defoe, Zaki and Tevez took their squads goal tally to ten.

With The Memorial Marauders and Courage Haddock also getting half-decent scores there is a definite split in the table. It’s too early to even think about who is going up but the bottom five teams are all just five points apart: 22-23-23-24-25pts respectively. If the wind is coming from the bottom of the table you can almost smell The Pit of Fear.

Or am I talking it up a bit too much?

Anyway: they’re doomed. Time for the 3 Steves, the Stuart and the Smug to concentrate on the Cups...

18/09/08.

It was a quiet week for most teams in midtable in the Inferior Division – which was just as well for Steve Gingell’s Chasers Chancers. A 21-point week pushed the team that either does or doesn’t (nothing in between) up to second place thanks to the Zaki/Defoe factor. Zaki and Defoe appear to be two strikers who have hit the ground at a canter. With 8pts from each of them Mr G will be hoping for more of the same from them every week.

With The Memorial Marauders having a relatively quite week – just 10pts – John Lewis’s Never Knowingly Undersold (NKU) took full advantage scoring 18pts to put them in top spot. John’s haul included three clean sheets and goals from Alves, Tuncay and Bent. John will also be buoyed by the news that he landed Robinho in the recent Transfer Feeding Frenzy. £6.2m was paid by John for the Brazilian who had his heart set on Chelsea. Well, that worked then, didn’t it? Let’s hope he’s happy at NKU.

6pts from Pompey’s Johnson were a welcome addition to Ben Jones’s fortunes. Courage Haddock have been in the doldrums since they joined this division two years ago; 14pts isn’t an enormous tally, but it was enough to shift Ben up to fourth and nosebleed territory.

Down at the Wrong End, the three amigos – Steve, Steve and Steve – haunt the relegation places, though Moody Blues and Skonto Riga Reserves both had half-decent weeks, 15 and 10pts respectively. Steve Moody will also be happy after he picked up Pavlyuchenko for £3.1m. However, for Steve Pearce’s Los Intergalacticos, the writing is definitely on the wall; and in a ten foot font as well. 3pts would have been eight had it not been for the defence. O what was he thinking of at the auction? And that penalty miss from Jason Roberts won’t have helped, either. Shocking.

05/09/08.

It has only taken a couple of weeks, but already the omens don’t look good if you are hanging out in the Inferior Divisions. Just nine days played and already Mr Adrian Downs (known colloquially locally – try saying that after a couple of shandies – as Spawn) has clambered up to top spot – 30pts – 6 goals – 3 assists – 3 clean sheets = and just 6 goals against. The Memorial Marauders did have a bit of a look about them, it has to be said, and that look has a mean, silver-in-the-bag-by-January aspect to it. He might not have been at the top of his game since 2000, but it is never too early to write off a Second Coming for the One we all love to fear. 14pts this week for Spawn included 6pts from Elano and another goal for Yakubu – what a player! Must buy him sometime!

Courage Haddock had a week to savour – 16pts that included another 5pts from Carew. 8pts for the lofty Villan this term make him a prize asset already. Obvious, really, when you consider his form at the end of last season.

Moody Blues prop up the Inferior Division – just one point to date and not a goal in sight; only two other teams share a goalless tally so far: The Undef*ckables at the bottom of the Conference and the Chairman’s Mount Morget Gas in the Nursery. Fortunately for the Chairman, his team has some semblance of a defence. However, Mr Promotion is in a false position, I maintain. Expect the Moodies to start a climb to glory soon; you heard it here first – and we all heard your jaws drop shortly after.

27/08/08.

There’s nothing to this promotion lark: just carry on as if the summer didn’t happen – and looking out the window this morning that looks about spot-on.

18pts for John Lewis’s newly promoted Never Knowingly Undersold and John’s squad are maintaining that savage pace and drive that saw them streak ahead of everyone in the Nursery last time around. Terry, Bosingwa and Clichy did their stuff at the back for John, whilst Arteta proved he is still an able provider from midfield – a goal and an assist. Assists from Bullard, Kranjcar and Alves were more than enough to compensate for points dropped by the Villa men at the back.

The Memorial Marauders got off to an outstanding start – though not in the same league as Adge’s son Marcus (see The Conference) – a 16-point haul that owed much to an all-round balance as anything else. Clean sheets from Dossena and Cech cancelled out the -3 from Distin (he had to play him against Chelsea – no other Centre-backs to field) whilst goals from Elano, Yakubu and Martins and assists from Bentley and Young put the Spawn within spitting distance of an early lead at the top of the league’s second division.

Down at the bottom it was a poor start to the campaign from new boys Moody Blues and Skonto Riga Reserves. Both clubs secured minuses – victims of the goal fest that marked the opening week. I doubt if there has ever been an opening week when more minuses were recorded across the league as a whole – six teams out of the 47 in the league failed to get above zero this week. One wonders how long it will take for them to crawl past the starting line. Come on you, Lutons!

21/08/08.

Not an easy thing to pick out who will be the winners and losers before the campaign gets underway, but this is my view as things stand...

Courage Haddock

Ben Jones couldn’t make the Auction – the wedding syndrome hitting home again. He was proxied and ended up with a mixed bag of potentialities and possibilities. The back line has some gems and a few question marks. Johnson might be a liability this term. Yobo will succumb to a slow lingering relegation dogfight. Sorry Evertonians! None of the midfield cost any more than 700k. It shows. Keane and Carew up front? No problems there. All in all, another wasted season from a club that promised much when they joined the league. Will struggle.

Skonto Riga Reserves

Steve Ferguson comes up from the Nursery once again and had high hopes before the Annual Bun fight; don’t we all? He was less optimistic afterwards, but this team might be worth sticking with, with a few alterations. Half of the back line will have to go. The midfield is average. Anelka, Rooney and van Persie should be adequate to scoop up a good 200pts. Wheel and deal Mr F.

The Memorial Marauders

Time was, bums would wiggle and sphincters would squit when those three words were uttered. Not anymore. The Marauders have hit the doldrums in recent years, unable perhaps to move on as a constantly shifting cavalcade of talent passes through the Premier League. Mr Downs has a good squad this time, however and I have high hopes he might be back to his best. The defence might need a little work – Distin and Senderos might be makeweights – but the midfield has huge potential. Up front, Jo, Owen, Martins and dos Santos look more than able. I like this team. I mean: I like this squad. Sorry.

Never Knowingly Undersold

Another good squad. If Villa stay tight at the back this could be a force as the season rolls on. Clichy, Terry and Bosingwa at the back are solidly reliable. Kranjcar is underrated, as are Bullard and Arteta. Giggs will only play a handful of games. Alves and Bent look exciting leading the line and Bendtner may be such a handful that he goes for a lot more than £0.1 next time! Well done, John!

Real Madyid

A Spurs goalkeeper? Well, Stuart, keep the faith if you must. Lescott may be a let-down, I fear. As I have said elsewhere, I think this will be year for Everton to forget. If they’re lucky. Carvalho is the only defender of note, though if Silvestre can get back into ManYoo’s starting XI he will be the best £0.0 Stu will ever buy. Nasri and Fabregas may be worth the £4.0m spent on them, Santa Cruz certainly will. Agbonlahor will open eyes. Benjani is a gamble worth taking. Caicedo and Guiterrez are lucky punts. Most of this squad will be put out for recycling by Christmas. Make sure they are near enough to the kerb is my advice. You won’t want them back.

Moody Blues

Good old Steve Moody – or Mr Promotion as he is known round these parts. He turns up year after year, a stalwart in the festering slough of despond that is BS15. I noticed a few more grey hairs in the noble bonce of Mr M this summer. The “should I buy big in the front line” question has obviously been taking its toll. Moody Blues have an interesting shape to them this time – mind you, you could say that about Tim Marks nowadays. The defence has a few weak spots, though Carragher and Beletti – if he plays – aren’t among them. The midfield is cheap; that’s all you can say about that part of the squad – Petrov may shine again; Geremi was a steal. Adebayour and Drogba up front for £8.2m. Big money. But they are staying.

Chasers Chancers

Steve Gingell is always impossible to predict. He only ever goes up or down. He never stays where he is. It’s all drama with Mr G; all sturm und drang. There probably should be some umlauts in that last bit, but I can’t be bothered to check. My first impression is that this is a very impressive line-up – but there are reservations. Woodgate is a weak link. Hyppia can’t sustain another season, can he? If not, why the hell did I buy him? (I got stuck with him during the bidding, that’s why.) Van der Sar, Sagna, Ashley Cole cost over £7m as well they might. Midfield is smart: Malbranque and Sidwell are steady; Deco needs to move up the field. Tevez and Defoe up the front look luxurious – smooth and sleek and shapely. Bellamy, meanwhile, sits in his pram and lines up the toys and rattles. Oh, dear; I do hope there’s not going to be a lot of bending over and grovelling about.

Smug XI

Mr Smug wasn’t very happy with his acquisitions this year. Not sure why; they look okay to me. But let’s get the rubbish out the way shall we? Hart – ugh! Robinson – ugh! After that, I’d be happy with this lot. Shorey will be a snip if Villa march on under the charisma of Mr O’Neill. Downing needs a bigger club, but will still be worthwhile. Duff might get back to where he once was – you don’t become a bad player overnight. Faubert has been overlooked, but I have heard wonderful things about him. Torres and Ashton can light up any field – though not after the weather we’ve just had. Saha and Eduardo are useful subs. Arbeloa, Vidic and Alex represent good foundations at the back. Nice one, Smuggo.

Los Intergalacticos

Steve Pearce spent too much time watching Dan at the Nursery; that is what happened here. The only defensive gems are Skrtel and Bouma, and Bouma is out till the twelfth of never. Then the midfield: Gerrard, Ronaldo and Lampard: simply awesome. The inclusion of Scholes is a backward-looking blip. Walcott is a long way from being the finished article; he might deliver on his potential by the time he reaches his mid-twenties, but somehow I feel he was always a hype, wrapped in a rumour, inside a hyperbole. Crouch will pay back the £3.4m the Webmeister shelled-out on him. Kalou, I am less sure about. At least ten of this team need to be shown the door if The Midfield Maestros are to survive.

Treading Water

A well-balanced team for Lee Stefano. What was his proxy thinking of? Only Knight raises an eyebrow in the back line, but he could deliver if Villa stay on track. Ballack and Joe Cole make me uneasy – nothing sexual, I assure you; I just doubt they have that many points in their locker. Lennon could really be something this season; what that something is, I am not being drawn on. N’Zogbia sounds like a former dead King of Albania and the similarity doesn’t end there. Berbatov and Johnson will bag plenty of points this campaign. If Dimitar goes to ManYoo, Stef won’t be able to walk a straight line for weeks. Kuyt was a gamble; he probably will stay, but play? I wouldn’t bank on it – a supersub at best. Lucky that Liverpool will play lots of 12.45pm kick-offs and Sunday games, then. Kanu has been kept by Pompey purely for totemic purposes. Stef won’t keep him hanging around; the first casualty of the transfer Merry-Go-Round.

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT B: INFERIOR DIVISION
FINAL TABLE MAY 2009

15/08/08.