CONFERENCE NEWS Blimey, how many more divisions??? Division Five. Almost the lowest of the low.   CUP COMPETITIONS...CHECK OUT THE FIXTURE LIST...

Yes, the wheels are coming off the Fugly bandwagon and you have to say that this is not a good time to go for a new home – ah, well. Live and learn.

Minus one for Juliet Whitehead this week has opened the door on The Gull Ables desperate lunges and the title looks in doubt at this late stage. 17pts for Tris Harvey featured a lot of stuff at the back and a rare goal from Bendtner.

I bought him once.

And once only.

Elsewhere the curse of the Chelsea/Man City – Terry/Bridge encounter cast a shadow over many teams – points were dropped aplenty by Bobo United, Nermals Eleven and a host of teams in the other divisions (including me!). Normal tight at the back service should be resumed shortly.

05/03/10.

Fugly XI may be looking good for promotion, and even the title, but who will be going up with them is far from certain.

Any of the five teams below Juliet Whitehead could scrape it come May, but Pilgrims Progress did themselves no harm at all this week after a neat 15-pointer that put them into second place. Ashley Young was the main provider, but Mark Stone will have to keep this up if he is to stand a realistic chance – the competition is fierce in this basement division to scramble out and away.

Also acquitting themselves well this week: The Gull Ables who had a 21-pointer that put them very definitely back in the running. A 6-point run-out for Downing proved what a shrewd investment he was.

It’s near impossible to predict who will go up from this division at the moment – a best guess is that if you are in the six you probably have a chance. Below that and you’re doomed to repeat this season all over again...

26/02/10.

Not many matches this week – all midweek ones – so not a lot to shout about.

Just two teams actually made it into doubles – the Saha effect was felt by Bobo United – 17pts – whilst the Zamora effect was enjoyed by The Gull Ables – 17pts. Tris Harvey’s mob also had goals from Dindane and Adebayour – something of a treat in such a thin week, points-wise.

19/02/10.

With the top six in the Conference all hitting double figures it was left to Rainham End Rowdies to get top score this week – 21pts – and shunt Martin Haines up to fifth place. Drogba, of course, was the difference and Haines now looks odds on for a late tilt at a top three finish. Just 24pts separate second from sixth, so who will join Fugly XI in going up is anyone’s guess.

Down at the bottom, only Wags To Witches – second best name, anyone? – managed to get into doubles, enabling them to move up a place. All academic at this stage, but pleasing when it happens all the same.

Spare a thought for Emma Orbs: just one member of Emma Rendall’s squad got on the score sheet this week. And it was a minus.

12/02/10.

A big 32pts for Juliet Whitehead’s Fugly XI this week – a big score in every way. Insua, Howard and Dunne collected twenty of them and it left the Fuglies 33pts ahead of their nearest rivals after a bumper week of fixtures. I think promotion looks almost certain, now. Fugly XI are nearly 50pts off fourth place after all, with a squad that is on fire. Kiss of Death, then.

The race for the Xtra division is hotting up elsewhere. Another 22pts for the Pilgrims were welcome for Mark Stone as Baines, Carragher and Friedel scooped up twenty of them; not bad for a defence that has struggled from time to time.

Bobo United, meanwhile lost a bit of ground, despite enjoying a fair 17-pointer. All of Bob Williams’s points came from defence, and though Hangeland dropped a couple, Reina was worth 6pts and Terry can always be relied on at the back.

I’ll leave you lot to provide the punch-line to that one...

05/02/10.

Four of the top six teams caught cold this week allowing Fugly XI to make hay and open up a 25-point gap at the top of the Conference this week. 16pts from Juliet Whitehead’s mob wasn’t a huge score but it was enough to count. Top provider was Michael Ballack who scooped up a goal in the cricket game at Stamford Bridge as well as an assist.

The only other team to perform in the top five were the Pilgrims, with a workmanlike 15pts that included a pair of assists from McCarthy. Mark Stone is now up to third.

The bottom five teams all excelled, which must have been a blow for them. I bet they saw their points mounting up and thought: “That’ll be it then! Out of trouble and up into midtable!” Sadly, it was not to be and they were left turning from hand-rubbing to hand-wringing when they realised that everyone else had been banging in the points.

Top scorer was Gary Linekers Legs XI with a 19-point haul that boasted 5pts from Rooney and that odd 6-point affair from Ashley Cole. Does anyone know what went on at the Stamford Bridge game? Terry AND Cole off at half-time? I mean... Come on!

23/01/10.

Not everyone benefitted from the engorged fixture list over the festive period, but the Conference table has a familiar look to it as the needles settle into the carpet and the tinsel gets put back into its attic box.

Supreme above the rest, Fugly XI continued their impressive recent run of form after a 28-point week that owed much to those three Goals from Bent. The defence helped, as well, though the three points dropped by Dunne after Villa’s mauling by ManYoo. Still, Juliet Whitehead is still 21pts ahead of everyone else as the year turns.

Bobo United maintained the chase for the title after a 27-pointer that included 6pts from Toure and a clean sheet from Glenn Johnson. The loss of the only Liverpool player to perform this campaign will be a blow, however.

Three teams in the middle of the division had cause to don party hats from their crackers as Pilgrims Progress (26pts), Nermals Eleven (25pts) and Hinton Ununited (23pts) all scored freely under the mistletoe. It moved them out of danger, or at least disgrace - as there is no relegation from this rung of the league ladder – albeit temporarily. Long enough to breath the heady air of midtable.

Not a great time for The Undef*ckables or Wags To Witches, however. Four and Seven points respectively is a thin return for such a bounty of fixtures. You really do expect more from your players after you pay so much for them. I hope Chris Pike and Joby Hodgson kept their receipts.

31/12/09.

It was the sort of week – a double block of fixtures - when teams needed to take full advantage, but strangely, few teams in the Conference did. Only two teams made it over the 20-point threshold, and whilst the top three secured tallies up in the upper teens, they will probably look upon this week as an opportunity squandered rather than one taken. Certainly for Bobo United it was a dreadful week – minus three after such a bumper crop of fixtures will be seen as an awful return. Eight minus points – including four lost by Toure will be a kick in the teeth for Bob Williams.

Elsewhere, Pilgrims Progress did well – 21pts keeping Mark Stone in contention for promotion. Double clean sheets from Assou-Ekottu and Friedel were the lynch-pins.

Top score in the entire league, however, went to Emma Rendall’s Emmas Orbs – a 33-point bonanza that lifted them from bottom place up to eighth. Six points from Diamanti and seven from Bellamy were helped along by Diaby who got a goal and an assist. Well, done Ems!

26/12/09.

The second-highest score of the week in the Conference saw Juliet Whitehead secure top spot by a single point – not much, but titles have been decided on less, I suppose. Goals from Bent and Doyle will have been a relief, but Fugly need to keep it to stave off the challenge from below.

It was a poor week for Bobo United. Minus four points could have been a lot worse and Bob Williams’s defence dropped SEVEN points overall, only a goal from Saha rectified matters.

Rainham End Rowdies took advantage as well. 10pts from Martin Haines’s mob gifted them third place after The Gull Ables dropped points in a points-dropped sort of week: Carvalho’s -2 was the only score at all on Tris Harvey’s sheet.

A whopping – in the general scheme of things in a flat week – 19pts from The Undef*ckables was the top score in this division: goals from Kuyt, Agbonlahor and Anelka propped up Joby Hodgson’s efforts.

17/12/09.

22pts from Tris Harvey saw his Gull Ables close in on Bob Williams and his brief tenure at the top. Tris’s haul included goals from Adebayour, Zamora, Dindane, Defoe and Cahill. Dindane might be at Pompey, but he is starting to look like a man who might just fire them to safety. I hope so; I’ve just put some outlandishly overreaching faith in him. We will find out...

Bob Williams kept top spot and still has a 15-point buffer to cling onto. Two rare Liverpool clean sheets were the main features of this outing. How often can that be said this time around? Who has that much misplaced optimism, other than the Rafa fanclub?

Wags To Witches had the poorest haul of the week: just 2pts for Chris Pike’s mob. When you drop 4pts at the back, though what can you expect?

Emmas Orbs and The Undef*ckables continue to struggle: neither has made it to 100pts yet, which even I’ve done! Come on, you slackers, get a move on!

10/12/09.

Though a handful of teams got into double figures in the Conference, there was only really one story this week in the bottom division.

Bobo United.

29pts.

The main providers of Bob Williams’s bounty were Giggs (7pts) and Eagles (7pts), though frankly the points rained in from all over. Even Nevland chipped in with a goal and an assist.

The only blot was the two points dropped by, of all people, Sagna. I think, Bob will settle for that, at any rate.

Bobo United are now top, in case you hadn’t guessed; and clearly top, at that. 13pts clear is breathing space, and plenty of it, too.

03/12/09.

The Gull Ables might have started at a gallop, but that hasn’t been the case on every outing. However, normal service was resumed this week as Defoe’s bumper bonus of 15pts catapulted Tris Harvey up to second place after a decent 20-point week. Just five points from the top, Tris can do the heavy breathing bit down Juliet Whitehead’s collar.

Rainham End Rowdies boss, Martin Haines had little to celebrate this week as his beloved Gills got overturned by the Gas, so it was just as well that his fantasy team clocked up a steady 13pts to keep the promotion challenge on course. There were no fireworks in the performance, just steady points gathering.

What a difference a week makes. Hinton Ununited have been floundering like a beetle in a bucket of sick lately, so it was a week to find wings and get away from the messy bottom half of the table. 9pts from Lennon provided just the tonic manager Andy Fincham needed – along with three clean sheets and a goal from Benayoun – and everybody’s favourite Brummie now lies in the middle of the table – sixth place – after a 23-point outing which was the top score of the week in the Conference.

27/11/09.

Another fabulous week for Martin Haines had the Chairman vainly scratching his head for a pun on his name. All to no avail. I will simply say that Mr H must be on something. His meteoric rise up the table and return to the form that he enjoyed in his hey-day are testament to something, though I’m not sure what. Luck? Skill? Study? Tactics? I don’t know what it is, but I want some – and quick!

Milner, Dempsey and Wright-Phillips were the main features, but it was a solid all round performance. Manager of the Month for November is looking increasingly likely.

Fugly XI remain at the top of the Conference – a quiet week kept Juliet Whitehead going. 8pts during weeks like that are enough to secure the silverware, though her clean sheet tally – just 8 – will be a worry, especially when you consider Bobo Utd’s tally – 23. Where did they all come from, in a season like this? (Seven from John Terry, is where).

13/11/09.

21pts for a team that was barely able to put their boots on before, was a remarkable turnaround by any standards, and Martin Haines will have been glowing by Sunday evening. 5pts apiece from Etherington and the Drog were the pick, though defensive contributions from van der Sar and Clichy will have been welcome. If they keep this up, Rainham End Rowdies might break into the top three by next Sunday.

Fugly XI stayed at the top despite a quiet week. Just 6pts from Juliet Whitehead’s squad, was a damp squib when what was needed was a box full of sparklers. Only van Persie went off with a bang, this week.

It was a fair week for The Gull Ables. 11pts for Tris Harvey – all from the defence – was a good outing in a week where changes have been afoot at the newcomers. Tris has been bringing in new players to the squad. Whether it will make a blind bit of difference and keep him in the top three is another matter.

Rotten week for Joby Hodgson. Just one point. Just don’t bleat about it, Joby. I can do that well enough for both of us.

05/11/09.

They might have dropped some points at the back – what a season this has been for dropped points at the back, so far! – but 9pts from Ballack and van Persie were more than enough to keep Juliet Whitehead’s mob on course for a big lead come the turn of the year. Juliet seems to have got the hang of this game now and 118pts in a division of eleven teams is a fair achievement. If they can keep this up Fugly XI might be as good as up by March.

Mark Stone had a quiet week by recent standards – just 4pts – though Pilgrims Progress held onto second place – just – after Bobo United crept into third place thanks to the efforts of Carlton Cole. Bob Williams is now a point behind the Plymouth man, but is far from secure himself – Tris Harvey’s The Gull Ables lie a point behind Bobo after dropped points at the back cost them third place.

Gary Linekers Legs XI had an inauspicious week – minus two – underlining that form is all in this game. What the squad needs is a bit of consistency, though with their manager hiking in Nepal in the near future, pep talks might be difficult to organise. Perhaps they will play to impress in her absence.

30/10/09.

Not a good week to be Bob Williams – just two points meant that Bob Williams’s team are now bobbing like a cork in the waters of the Conference table. Points dropped by Arsenal, Liverpool and Fulham at the back were to blame as Bobo United slipped to fourth from first place.

The leaders slip in form meant that Fugly XI were able to take full advantage and a15-point week from Juliet Whitehead's mob ensured that Mrs Zond went to bed happy on Monday night despite points dropped at the back.

Also on the rise were the two new teams that have so far excelled at this game. The Gull Ables, who had swept all before them in the first weeks, returned to form this week after a 14-pointer that included a goal and an assist from Kranjcar. Mark Stone’s Pilgrims Progress, meanwhile, had Fabregas to thank as they clocked up an impressive 15-pointer to grab third place. Just 3pts split the top three now. Close, for a big division.

Down at the bottom, three clubs are looking a bit lost and need an injection of points before they cut adrift completely. The Undef*ckables, Nermals Eleven and Emmas Orbs have 48, 47 and 45pts respectively, and well shy of the next team lying in eighth place – Hinton Ununited – on 62pts. It’s a tough game this for newcomers, except of course that these three are by now seasoned campaigners. Ha! Hark at me, dawdling along at the bottom of Div II!

06/10/09.

For a team that have been struggling to establish their credentials this term Gary Linekers Legs XI are looking none too bad for it, now. A 21-point week for Sarah Reynolds pushed her outfit into third place after several weeks languishing in the lower reaches of the league’s basement. The defence did it. A barnstorming 8pts from Ashley Cole couple with 6pts from Yobo were quite enough to keep Sarah within sight of Tris Harvey’s heels and Bobo’s bobtail. It was especially rewarding for Yobo as his goal and cleansheet cancelled out his previous tally of minus six. Remarkable faith from the Evertonian manager to stick with him – if only I had done the same with my lot.

Not a good week for Andy Fincham – minus two – not much of a score and all the more galling when you consider that was Vidic’s score for the week. How Andy must have wished for another once-a-century performance from Benayoun...

Emmas Orbs continue to have a howler of a start – just four points this week and Emma Rendall stays rooted to the bottom on just 22pts. When will this season start?

25/09/09.

Five goals, a couple of assists and a couple of clean sheets were enough to keep Tris Harvey flying high at the top of the Conference this week. The Defoe Effect had the expected benefit, though another goal from Adebayour bodes well for the newcomers.

Bobo United are doing well to hang onto second place and Bob Williams’s name looks familiar in this location, though that was commented upon last term and what happened then?

The other two new teams – new as in never played before – Wags To Witches and Pilgrims Progress seem to be acquitting themselves well at present, holding onto third and fourth place, though, as ever, it has to be said that these are early days yet.

There was little transfer activity last week – everyone hunkering down and waiting for the FIFA window to close, one suspects.

28/08/09.

No outstanding performances for the teams in the bottom division in the first week. The Gull Ables took an early lead after a 15-point weekend that was made up of 2s – 2 goals, 2 assists and 2 clean sheets. One of the assists came from a trademark Delap throw in – so no change there, then. Suddenly Defoe is looking a steal for £3m.

Bobo United were hard on Tris Harvey’s heels after the first weekend and have since overtaken the newcomers. Three clean sheets for Bob Williams signalled a solid season ahead. Probably.

Looking at the table after the first weekend it was easy to spot the teams with Everton defenders: Goals Against: Pilgrims Progress 10, Gary Linekers Legs XI 13. Oh yes, that’ll be the Arsenal game.

22/08/09.

The largest division in the league displays a revitalised interest in lower league fantasy football, all the more encouraging when you consider what a poor standard is often seen at this level – so says Paul Harding, anyway.

So who shone and who guttered?

Emmas Orbs were looking to make progress after last season’s close-run campaign and this lot don’t look like a step-up to me. Almunia was a steady buy as was O’Shea, but Lescott at £3m was surely over the odds? Hughes and Konchesky would worry me as would Cahill. The middle is better. Essien will contribute if he maintains his fitness. Downing and Barry are sound investments. Pienaar will be worth 25pts. Geovanni is a flair player, I’m afraid; the odd spectacular goal but a lot of mooching about the field picking daisies for the rest of the season. Bullard is another flair player, but one who works and as such, picks up his fair share of injuries. Berbatov may finally make an impact at Old Trafford, but Sturridge will be a revelation if he gets time at Chelsea. I rate that lad.

Nermals Eleven are a bit of a yoyo team. Time to go back up then. Cech, Evra, Alex and Skrtel look outstanding. Gibbs might play, but don’t count chickens yet. Alonso cost £0m. We all know why. Funnily enough, on the Auction Tracker his name appears as Mopsa. I’d pay money for a player called that. Osman, Gomez and Kightly is an average middle, whilst Tevez, Scotland, Owen and Eduardo look spot-on up front. Palacios is doubtful – will he fit in? And Upson is a good defender at a porous club. Midtable?

Juliet Whitehead was proxied at the Auction and one can only wonder what she thought of this lot. Howard is in goal – fine if you like that sort of thing; Aurelio is the only good member of the rearguard. Pantsil, King and Bramble look a bit of a shambles to me; her proxy would have done better to trawl the free agent list for better replacements. As I write Coma Patient 1, Coma Patient 2 and Coma Patient 3 are still available. Arshavin was big money that was worth it. Noble is fine, but Arteta is still out. Ballack is fine if you can be bothered to wait for the one penalty he will surely take (but one only). van Persie is a star – surely worth 60pts this time – and Kevin Davies is pretty reliable. Bent, Doyle and Fuller are options. El Haj Diouf crops up from time to time, though I don’t know why. Fugly XI will do well to stay in the top half.

The Undef*ckables underachieved last time around. This time may be better, but the back line will need a plumber in the coming days and weeks. I’m not even going into details: it’s a horror story – go and look and be amazed. The team really starts in the midfield: Taylor, Malouda, Ireland, Kuyt, Jensen. Anelka and Agbonlahor have lots to do up front. Vela may not be up to the role of stand-in striker on Sundays. It’s all pretty anonymous really and another nine months of struggle look inevitable.

Sarah Reynolds was unable to attend the Auction this year and the Chairman stepped in to proxy. I was quite pleased with the outcome. Okay, Robinson was a duff opener, but it gets better. Bosingwa, Ashley Cole, Gallas and Silvestre, with the option of Davies. Valencia, Lawrence, Riera and Bentley looks good to me and the front-line of Rooney, Crouch and Jo look capable. I admit that Rodriguez was a punt and Yobo a last throw of the dice. But I think this squad has style. A top three finish for Gary Linekers Legs XI, maybe?

Chris Pike, and his wittily named Wags To Witches, joins us for the first time and he had a bit of a torrid time, one feels. James in goal used to be a good choice, but he is going to have a busy season this time. Young at Villa was shrewd, but the rest of the back line looks like the result of some weird surgical tombola where bits have been sawn off and then superglued back on in a different place. Emerton, Ridgewell, Scharner, Dossena and the useful Evans. Doesn’t look like a lot of points to me. Lampard restores order in midfield, where he is joined by the competent McFadden, Sidwell, Jenas and Pedersen. Don’t know much about Stanislas. Torres and Keane are artful up front and Ebanks-Blake may be frightful, either way. A useful first season to learn the game is the most flattering thing I can say.

Andy Fincham (Hinton Ununited) had pig flu and so was proxied by Rob Foster. It showed. Taylor in goal was an aberration; even Andy, Bluenosed as he is, will give me that one, surely? Hilario has the best name on the Player List, but will surely not play. Brown and Vidic are fine at the back, but Garrido and Dawson don’t inspire me. The middle: Tomkins? Who he? Gerrard, Benayoun, Cole and Lennon, with Nasri and Walcott to run around and frighten the rest of the division if and when they are fit. Robinho and Phillips are the only options up front. Not a team that will create fluttering bottom flaps in my books. A quiet return to the league for Mr F.

Bobo United never quite did what I wanted them to do last time – I tipped them heavily and it never happened. This season looks like being a more subdued affair. The backline of Reina, Given, Johnson, Sagna, Terry, Rafael and Toure looks impressive – though I have doubts about Johnson expressed elsewhere. Hangeland, too gives me worries. Eagles, Richardson and Giggs in the middle look out of place and I only expect Eagles to feature prominently. Cole and Saha up front, with Beattie? Well, there will be points there, but not bucketfuls. A season of consolidation. Pity; a chance missed.

Pilgrims Progress is the name that Mark Stone goes under this season – his first with the league. Like most newcomers, Mark had a few wobbles, but came off quite well, proxied as he was by Julian Partridge – last season’s Supreme Champion. I can live with Friedel in goal and Carragher and Ferdinand are strong in the middle. Steinsson and Baines would cause me to lose sleep. They’ll get ditched once Mark gets the hang of it. Agger is fine for when he plays. Fabregas, Young and Murphy will do nicely in the middle. Deco is a question mark. Attacking options include Jones, Santa Cruz, Yakubu, McCarthy – not exceptional but of use. Blake is also in the middle; sorry, overlooked him. A good team to start off – with a bit of money spent this team might go places.

The Gull Ables also join us for the first time, managed by Tristan Harvey, so a big hello to him. This team has something, I have to tell you; and it isn’t pigflu. Okay, Schwarzer might be a doubt between the sticks, but Bridge, Shorey, Vermaelen, Carvalho look like a capable back four to me. The middle is cracking: Fellaini, Cahill, Zhirkov, Modric, Delap and Anderson – more options than the Indian Food Centre on Gloucester Road. With Adebayour, Defoe, Bendtner and Campbell up front, this team looks like a well-balanced team of Champions and Cup winners. You heard it here first. In a division of eleven. I find that remarkable. Well done, Tris! Would you like it engraved Tristan or Tris come May? Let me know.

Martin Haines comes back to us after a season away, and like Andy Fincham it is really nice to see him back. His team however, will need work, and I’m sure he’ll be the first to admit that. Rainham End Rowdies will bring some experience to the division, but the most pressing thing will be the changes needed to put some umphh into the squad. That is where the experience may count. Van der Sar is fine, once he gets back, and I suspect that Clichy and Richards will be real assets. Djourou will be a good choice if he can get a few games and grow in confidence. Woodgate is injured and a bloody good thing too, you may think. Warnock and Gomes came up and I think he got stuck with them; I hope so, it’s so upsetting when your friends develop dementia, otherwise. Collison and Etherington are flimsy. Is that fair? I hope so. Drogba and Johnson might be a bit goal-shy. Milner, Wright-Phillips, Dempsey and Carrick could have a lot to do. Out with the chequebook, Mr Haines!

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT E: THE CONFERENCE
FINAL TABLE MAY 2010


14/08/09.