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I think James Keirle must have slipped his team some dodgy grey meat in their sandwiches over the Christmas break. Minus one came as a bit of a shock when I saw the scores for the Conference. Keirlys Wurleys had been the free-scoring team of the season so far in the bottom division, so to see them slip to a minus score in the week when the scores traditionally resemble a basketball game, was an eye-opener. They still lead the field by a clear 60pts, but you do look and wonder when that happens. What will 2009 hold, and will James be applying for re-election in the summer?

Bobo United enjoyed their first Christmas in the game after a 25-point outing that owed much to the defence and that man Gerrard. Four teams are chasing down two promotion slots in this division, aside from the top spot. Just three points presently separate the sides involved. As Emmas Orbs and Blue Army both regained their form this week , the New Year will be interesting, though the interruption of the FA Cup may stall the momentum, somewhat.

Down at the bottom The Drunken Slobs and The Undef*ckables are making grim work of a game that should be easy. One point splits the bottom two who probably just wish the summer would come so they can try their luck again at the auctions.

01/01/09.

In a week that was generally quiet for most managers, it was only Emmas Orbs that really got out the starting blocks this week in the Conference. 18pts from the midtable strugglers included four clean sheets, which might explain their middling position in the league. Still, not to demean the efforts of Miss Rendell and her crew, it was a decent springboard with the glut of fixtures coming up; all they have to do is make use of it.

At the top James Keirle retains a gargantuan lead – a mere 83pts – after a 10-point week that is meat and drink to a side that is 44th in the national pecking order. 275pts is a splutteringly ridiculous points tally when you consider it. And the Christmas Points Bonanza Shovelathon is yet to get underway. But underway it will get – in under a couple of hours in fact – so I had better break off now and get this latest edition off to you all! I hope Santa brought you everything you wanted this Christmas – you never know the best may yet be to come this afternoon!

Happy Christmas!

26/12/08.

A quiet week was had by most teams in the Conference and it’s difficult not to see the title as already decided. Keirlys Wurleys are now so far ahead – 81pts – that the chasing pack will have to get rocket-propelled booster boots to catch James Keirle up. Still, those of us who have been playing this game for far-too-long can remember Rob Foster’s Cotham Crusaders and the 91-point gap that they once commanded before being usurped to the title by an unfancied rival. It can happen.

Meanwhile, Marcus Downs has been suffering enormously – and not just with tonsillitis. Just 5pts to date in December mean that the league’s newest tyro manager is in danger of slipping out of contention for promotion, let alone a title challenge. Certainly, with Bobo United and Random Rovers picking up form, Christmas will sort the men from the boys as far as this division is concerned. Something tells me that the men will leave the juveniles way behind.

19/12/08.

The one thing you can guarantee in this game is that fallow follows fair; you get a good week, and then you get a stinker. Which is all the more reason for James Keirle to crack open the bubbly this week. James had a bumper 39-point week last week and followed it with a 24-point one this week. A 36-point gap has now appeared between Keirlys Wurleys and their nearest rivals – Blue Army – to everyone’s astonishment. 23 of those points came from four players – Arbeloa, Bosingwa, Nasri and Bent. Who were Blue Army exactly?

Bobo United keep plugging away at it. 13pts this week kept Bob Williams in third place, but there is a big gap now between third and first: 55pts. Promotion: yes. Glory: no.

14/11/08.

Once the midweek blizzard of points came to a standstill, you had to wonder where in the stratosphere James Keirle might come to rest. By the end of Wednesday he had accumulated 34pts – an astonishing tally for one block of fixtures – and indeed he looked likely to overhaul the Chairman’s record weekly haul of 53pts (see Nursery News Page). But it never happened, and James’s fizzy whizzy Roman Candle was left damp and deflated in the flowerpot of sand that is November the Sixth.

But how often does that happen in this game? You have a week to end all weeks, the week that has you thinking “Right. Now I’ll show the buggers. 20pts a week for the rest of the campaign and 500pts by Easter” and what happens then? Sod all, that’s what. The squad enter the team bath thinking they’ve done enough to keep you happy till Christmas; time to go off and have a beer with Xisco, down at the disco. Time to put your feet up in the garden and crack open a Tizer, push the boat out, why not? But you don’t want that, do you? No! Not a bit of it! You want points, a rain of points, a veritable monsoon of points, a never-ending sleet of clean sheets, a tsunami of assists, a global warming of goals! Gimme, gimme, gimme. Sod The X-Factor with its weird Irish eyebrows; sod Little Dorrit; sod even Dale with his Wonderwall! You want endless playbacks of those last little touches, those bulging nets, last ditch tackles or graceful gymnastic tip-round-the-posts, all replayed in Ultra-slow motion on Sky on your wall-to-wall plasma! You want to bathe in them, luxuriate in them, wallow in them! 34pts, and it’s only Wednesday evening! A whole weekend to come yet! And then what happens?

Not a great deal.

It would be better if all your defence had a shocker and you lost the bloody lot! At least then you could say “Well fancy that! Minus thirty-four in one weekend! I’m gutted... but at least it’s a record!”

That, ladies and gentlemen, was the story of James Keirle’s week. So spare a thought for the poor impoverished manager, who once thought he had it all, who believed he was walking into unending sunshine and happiness, but who all the time was strolling into the gloom and despondency of a drab November twilight: misty, murky, and reeking of bins and thickly-strewn pizza boxes. Yes, spare him a thought, but not for too long – after all, it could have been worse, couldn’t it? Well, couldn’t it?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

15-53.

Knocked out of the Chalice, when all your hopes were pinned on that replay.

Oh, yes.

That is going to hurt.

Oh, yes. That smarts, like Old Spice after your first-ever bum-fluff shave.

15-53.

Marcus Downs: Your boys took one hell of a beating!

You see, James? I told you it could be worse!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

07/11/08.

There was a fair bit of jostling at the top of the Conference last weekend, but as that has all been turned on its head by the midweek games this week, we will leave that until next week when the dust has finally settled.

The big deals last week involved two teams that are not normally associated with making waves. Random Rovers, managed by the taciturn Guy Paling – I don’t know if he is quiet by nature when he is out and about, but he always seems quite reserved at the Auctions – unlike some, or rather, many, that I could mention – Random Rovers notched up a nice 20pts that included three clean sheets and a trio of goals from Pavlyuchenko, Geovanni and Alves. Mr Paling will bask but briefly, however; there is a long way to go to get into the crowded waiting room of the promotion places. With Keirlys Wurleys, Bobo United and Blue Army firmly encamped in the top three, anyone wanting into that exclusive club will need to hit and hit heavy. Good luck, Guy; you’ll need it.

The other performer of the weekend was Fugly XI, newly aglow with pride after demolishing t’other ‘alf, Argyle Sweater FC out of the Chalice. I don’t think that Juliet and Zond have splashed out on a marriage certificate as yet – perhaps they will correct me – but then perhaps that is just as well after ‘er indoors wiped the welcome mat with our local postie. I don’t know what was the main course usually is at No 4 Strathmore, but I know what will have been for desserts the last couple of weeks – Humble Pie.

But I digress; it was another good week for Fugly after a 20-point week that enabled Juliet to wallop Mandrake Slappers in the Second Round of the Chalice and book a place in the last sixteen. A score of points may not have lifted them out of the bottom two, but the morale will have ballooned as a result. Robinho’s hat-trick – a constant feature in this week’s Fogghorn – was the stand-out highlight, but 5pts from Adebayour and clean sheets from Richards and – prop me up whilst I utter it – Gomes didn’t do any harm either. Next stop: the quarter-finals and a promotion place. Stranger things have happened in this world... I’ve even heard of people being named after characters in Barbarella!

31/10/08.

Marcus Downs might be storming at the top of the Conference, but the rookie manager will need to keep his eyes on the chasing pack. A 21-point week from James Keirle was more than enough to serve notice that the title is anything but a done deal. Goals from Bent, van Persie and Nasri complemented clean sheets from Bosingwa, Ferdinand and James as the in-form team of the division kept up the pressure on the leaders.

Random Rovers have been chugging away at midtable respectability of late and a 13-point week will have done the cause no harm this week. 5pst Berbatov bodes well for the ManYoo marksman. Berba appears to have turned the corner and found his role at last.

At the bottom, Fugly XI has spent too much time basking in the rout of Argyle Sweater FC in the Chalice. Just 3pts leaves Juliet Whitehead dangerously adrift at the foot of the league. I can feel a domestic coming on...

23/10/08.

It was a first in the league this week. For the first time ever The Manager of the Month Award was shared by Father and Son. 49pts for September earned Adrian Downs and Marcus Downs the right to sneer at the rest of us whilst holding their champagne flutes on high to catch the last rays of the setting September sun. Well, done to them!

Marcus Downs also had the good fortune to become the first manager in the league to make it through the 100-point barrier. A 12-point week from Blue Army wasn’t the biggest score you’ll ever see, but it was filled with satisfaction. Young Master Marcus – actually, not that young anymore, now I think of it – now has a 14-point gap at the top of the Conference. Enough breathing space for anyone at this stage of matters.

Bobo United closed ground on Keirlys Wurleys – a 16-point week that saw Defoe and Brown prove their mettle once again as they picked up half of them.

After Bobo there is a distinct gap now. 26pts separate the top three from the rest. Somebody will have to have a stonker of a week if they are to halt the runaway success that the top three are enjoying. Unfortunately, you can’t see there being enough class to unseat this triumvirate. Is it all over, with October barely begun? Surely you jest, Mr Chairman!

08/10/08.

Blue Army might be racing away with the lead at the top of the Conference, but it was James Keirle who was most effective at giving chase this week.

21pts from the Wurleys put them within 11pts of the leaders as they enjoyed the 6-point bounce that Bosingwa provided this week. Three other clean sheets from James, Arbeloa and Ferdinand complemented goals from Valencia and Young to fuel that all-important promotion push. Get the points while you can is the best approach at this stage of the season. Once the injuries get going, we will all limp through January and February.

30/09/08.

Marcus Downs’s squad stole a march on the competition this week, securing a 16-pointer that included goals from Carew and Jo. It also helped that the three teams below Marcus had Pompey defenders – not a good week for them, then!

The only other team to perform to any standard this week was Fugly XI, who also hit sixteen. Needless to say, there was an element of Brazil in THAT scoreline – Robinho, as if you needed to guess.

Down at the bottom, it was a slck week for Emmas Orbs – just 4pts, and not a Portsmouth defender in sight. Miss Rendell appears to be cut adrift at present. Expect Jagielka and Howard to be released in the near future.

It is a big week coming up in the Chalice. Conference teams will hope for easy draws in the league’s knock-out League Cup. Matches begin next Tuesday – the draw is this weekend.

25/09/08.

There is a steep learning curve to this game. Some people get it faster than others. One look at the Conference table and it is clear for all to see. The top three have it. The rest are struggling to come to terms with it.

Double points all round for the top three, then, this week. Just two points separate Keirlys Wurleys, Bobo United and the massed ranks of the Blue Army. There were only a handful of goal scorers this week and it is no surprise that the top three have virtually all of them. Only Fugly XI went ballistic on the goals front from the lower reaches of the division: That’s right: the Adebayour Factor. The big galumph may not be flavour of the month in North London, but he can still locate the goal, it would appear. And the goal is North Italy. Eventually. Or maybe Northern Spain.

So the top three are up among the stars around the 60-point mark at present, but the rest are in the gutter looking up at them. A 24-point gulf lies in between. Some will breach that seemingly unbridgeable gap – it doesn’t seem like much now, but remember that the top teams keep clocking up the Wonder Weeks as you struggle along below them – but the rest are on the Eternal Slopes of the Learning Curve. Welcome to the club, suckers!

18/09/08.

Four big scores in the Conference this week as Keirlys Wurleys shot to the top of the pile after a mammoth 21-point week that included 11pts from van Persie and Valencia. Just as long as James Keirle doesn’t expect them to come up with those goods every week.

Whilst Mr Keirle was getting in form, Joby Hodgson was going one better, The Undef*ckables scooping up 22pts that you couldn’t see coming in a whole calendar of Sundays. Wright-Phillips, Distin and Ireland provided most of the bounty.

Bobo United and Random Rovers also had fair weeks - 17pts apiece – keeping them in the top half of the table.

In the transfer market the Chairman started throwing his toys out of the pram as the Conference went soft-brained at the prospect of all that new talent coming on board. With invalid bids hidden in every corner of the Chairman’s Inbox, it took a lot of head-scratching and perspiration to sort it all out, and the Changes Activity on the Fantasy League Website is now a bit of a mess, but things are now back to normal!

Finally, some trivia:

Q: Looking across the league as a whole and all the bids that were received and reported this week, how many ways do you think it’s possible to spell P-A-V-L-Y-U-C-H-E-N-K-O?

A: How many letters can you spare?

06/09/08.

37pts in your first two weeks at this lark isn’t a bad haul, and though Marcus Downs might have only picked up an 8-point week, he is still out in front by enough to be a credible title challenger already. However, there are signs that the rest of the Conference might be starting to wake up from their summer slumbers at last.

20pts from Emmas Orbs moved Emma Rendall up to fourth after a dismal first week which saw her secure just one point. Emma’s 20pts included two goals and two assists from the midfield and attack to add to 10pts from the defence. Once Rooney, Keane and Owen really get going Marcus might have somebody to peer over his shoulder at.

Bobo United have moved stealthily into second place after a 12-point week that was unspectacular, but consistent. Consistency is what this game is all about. With Mr Williams getting active in the transfer market the other managers in this division will have to be careful they don’t lose out in the rush to buy the last few remaining decent players once the transfer window in the real world closes.

28/08/08.

There is no substitute for experience at this game and blimey, does that show after one week in the league’s basement division.

29pts is a rare score over just a weekend for any team at this level, but Marcus Downs will be bowled over by what his squad achieved in this first week. Admittedly, this was a squad that MD didn’t buy himself – he got his Dad to do that, but all the same... Mr Downs Snr. must be wondering what he had for breakfast that morning to pick up a squad that could do THAT!

Not a point dropped from anywhere – Warnock dropped one, but it was wiped out by an assist putting him on +1 - and five goals to boot: Carew, Torres, Yakubu, Lampard and Arteta. This team could have a blindingly good campaign if the momentum can be kept up. If Neville and Toure come back into their squads look out! And Jo has yet to feature.

Elsewhere, Keirlys Wurleys and Bobo United slotted into second and third place respectively, both making the most of gilt-edged performance from Ashton and Agbonlahor. It is a long season and the teams that runaway at the start often come a cropper, but still...

Down at the bottom, Joby Hodgson is looking every inch a top notch chef – your name is already on the wooden spoon, I’m afraid, Joby... Minus four for The Undef*ckables. Will they make it into positive integers by September?

20/08/08.

It’s not easy trying to pick out who will shine and who will shake in the coming months, especially with a stable of new managers on board. But never one to be put off by blind ignorance, the Chairman had delved deep into the Teamsheets – and this is what he thinks...

Blue Army

Stonking side. Be afraid, be very afraid. Marcus Downs, the 15 year-old Son of Spawn, has finally joined the ranks of our gameplayers and though he couldn’t attend the Auction (he was on camp) his old man stepped into the proxy’s shoes and selected an astonishing array of talent that any of us veterans of the game would be proud to own. Almunia, Gary Neville, Terry and Toure at the back (I question the inclusion of Warnock) are complemented by Lampard, Pedersen – who had a poor time last term, but which briefly picked up at the end – Arteta and Scholes in midfield. Gera is an unknown quantity, but Mr D knows his stuff. Up front: Torres, Jo, Yakubu and Carew – 200pts there. Reina makes an excellent second choice goalie. A top two finish looks likely, if not certain.

Fugly XI

Juliet Whitehead – who for ages in my pre-season preparation notes was known simply as “Mrs Zond” – attended her first auction this time around and had a middling time of it, if I’m to be honest. I have expressed doubts about Everton’s credentials elsewhere in my preambles and that still stands. The defence looks very unsteady, with only Hyppia from the Big Four. I expect Our Ju to shake it up a bit when the season starts. The midfield is better. Fabregas came cheaply at £2m, and Pennant, Cole, Nolan and the hugely underrated Utaka joined for £1.7m. Hargreaves is a good player, but is not a point-scorer – the one area of this game that is not reflected in the points system. Roy Keane was the most important player ManYoo had in his day, but he rarely got above 15pts per season. With Adebayour, Martins and dos Santos up front, there are plenty of options, though Pizarro will have to shake off his role as bench-warmer to stay in the squad after October. A team that will need to be revised as the season gets warmed-up.

Random Rovers

Guy Paling has struggled to get to grips with this game for some time now. This season could be a watershed for him. Vidic, Skrtel, Shorey and Gallas are the strong links at the back – Robinson will go, and Johnson may follow soon after. Ronaldo needs no introduction, except to say that he won’t push himself too hard this time, in my opinion. Deco could be a steal – if he gets forward. Sidwell and Malbranque were free gifts – the rest of you will be choked up about that come May. Berbatov and Drogba will do what they do best. Alves will be a player that every manager in the country – real and fantasy – will drool over. Zamora will enjoy a renaissance at Fulham. Really. Elmander is an unknown, though Bolton will struggle once more. Top three finish.

Bobo United

Bob Williams. He might sound like the proprietor of your local Garden Centre, but Mr Williams looked a bit of a canny character to me when he turned up on the Saturday. He’s had a bit of time to absorb the game from the Kingswood Fraternity and I think he knows his stuff. This is a nice little squad. Cech, Clichy, Brown, Agger and Sagna at the back; Gerrard, Bullard, Modric and Nani in the middle. Up front: Defoe, Agbonlahor and Andy Johnson. Woodgate and Campbell might not feature for long, but they are the spaces into which new blood can come. Cahill will do fine if he can shake off injury, but don’t expect wonders from miserly Everton. EFC are preoccupied with stadium concerns. Sounds like another team quite close to my heart that I could mention... A top three finish, if he can find one more striker.

Emmas Orbs

The nucleus of Emma Rendall’s side is there for all to see; all she has to do is tinker. Cole, Evra and Carragher are at the back, with Howard and Jagielka likely to be jettisoned after the first month. Petrov and Downing are complemented by Geremi, who will step out a new player this term. Jenas and Diouf need to assert their roles as never before. Rooney and Keane are joined up front by Owen. Dempsey and Laursen provide options. Might push for promotion if their manager can be ruthless.

Keirlys Wurleys

This looks a decent team that James Keirle has assembled. I have doubts about David James which probably makes me the only person in history ever to say that. NOT. Bosingwa, Ferdinand and Carvalho are complemented, I think, by Arbeloa and Young. The midfield has Bentley and Ashley Young – is Martin O’Neill trying to get a squad of players called “Young”? – though Nasri is yet to adapt. Valencia and Pienaar need time and space – perhaps they’ll join David Tennant in the Tardis. Bent, Ashton, Tevez and van Persie looks a formidable front line. If one hits form it could be quite a season; if they all hit form, look out in the cups! Will probably push for promotion.

The Undef*ckables

Joby Hodgson joins us all for his first outing and one can only hope that his dire league position which is inevitable come May won’t put him off playing for another year. This is an object – or perhaps that should read “abject” - lesson in how not to approach an auction. True, there is lots – and I mean lots – of dosh in the bank, but Joby will have to move like lightning to make it count! This team needs a complete rebuild. The only player worth keeping is Crouch. And maybe Friedel. That said, he can only make TEN transfers, so he will have to make some quick decisions. Hutton, Bale and Dunne are liabilities and must go immediately. Distin will do well if Pompey do the impossible again. Barton has much to make up for, but his temperament is – how to say it – questionable? Walcott, Ireland, Wright-Phillips and Philip Neville excite me in the same way as a group of dead cows in the middle of a Shropshire field; morbid fascination only. Crouch is wonderful and is brimful of skill, whatever you think of his size and length. Bellamy: don’t even mention him; I have said elsewhere all I have to say. Saha: worth keeping – would do well at the Stadium of Light, if he can stay fit. Foster won’t play. Windass is still a saint, but is too old to feature. I hope Joby works out - he’ll need to: I can see him holding up the entire league come May.

The Drunken Slobs

Phil Smith was a late replacement for Julian Flint and came to us out of the blue. So: how did he do? Quite well, really. A tight defence: Van der Sar, Beletti, Finnan and Alex – offset by Yobo – not keen on him. Barry and Elano stand out in an otherwise average middle. Santa Cruz and McCarthy look nice up front – Jones and Benjani provide options. A mid-table finish in a division of eight isn’t much, but it’s better than poor Joby. You have to feel sorry for him, don’t you?

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT E: THE CONFERENCE
FINAL TABLE MAY 2009

15/08/08.