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Tristan Harvey obviously knew that he had the title in the bag after last week. Though other teams were making a last-ditch effort to grab the silverware off him they had too little firepower to manage it. As it was, Mr Harvey's team simply stood around on the pitch buffing their nails and scratching their unmentionables. A tally of 0 points might smack of complacency to some, but it seems to me that it was merely confidence. The Gull Ables go into the Xtra division as Conference champions for next term.

Fugly XI managed to hang on to the runners-up spot after a nine-point week. Juliet Whitehead will thus also be competing in the Xtra division next season. Juliet finished level on points with Pilgrims Progress but secured the second place spot by dint of scoring more goals. However, Mark Stone will simply be glad of having got hold of the third promotion place.

Nermals Eleven had yet another frustrating season, finishing in fourth place. I suspect that Chris Norman will need to try another approach if he is to finally make any headway in this game. Chris's team cannot even be compared to Rochdale now that they have finally made it up to league one for the first time in 40 years.

Chris Pike has found an interesting season having spent a good deal of it floundering in the lower reaches. However, Wags To Witches finally seemed to gather all their handbags together in the centre of the dancefloor in the last few weeks and a respectable top five finish is their reward. No doubt much has been learned over this campaign and a cracking 2010/11 season beckons. We hope to see your missus also taking part next season just to add a bit of spice and the odd domestic to the game.

Bobo United might have hoped for great things this season but in the end there simply wasn't enough in the tank. Bob Williams will have to reconsider his entire approach if he is ever to get out of this level.

Rainham End Rowdies and Hinton Ununited returned to the fold after a spell away this season and that absence showed. Both teams were rather rusty and finished in seventh and eighth place respectively. I would imagine that next term will be somewhat different. We can only hope that swine flu does not intervene to muck-up the auction strategy.

Gary Linekers Legs XI have been ambling along for a while now and a disappointing season saw Sarah Reynolds drift closer and closer to the bottom place. More intervention in the team is required for this club to get back to its glory days. The manager now has to be entirely ruthless in this game if the club is to succeed. Sound familiar?

Joby Hodgson had another frustrating season as his team, The Undef*ckables, finished in 10th place. Unless Joby tries out a new strategy is hard to see him ever are making headway in this game. Then again, what do I know, having been relegated three times in succession and then struggling to get back to the second level?

Bottom of the pile this season is Emma Rendall and her team Emma's Orbs. Emma narrowly missed out on promotion last term and she must be kicking herself now that she is propping up the entire league. Not a lot more of that one can say about that. Most of her team simply didn't perform or didn't turn up, and like Sarah Reynolds more intervention in team matters is required during the season if this club is to actually perform; lessons must be learnt, ideas must be acquired, and actions must be implemented. A very disappointing season.

15/05/10.

This weekend sees the last hurrah of the season in the conference and the title looks fairly safe in the hands of Tristan Harvey. The Gull Ables have managed to fend off the challenge of Fugly XI to date and that looks likely to continue as the curtain falls on the 17th season of the league. Mr Harvey had a poorer week this week - just four points - but with a gap of 22 points his lead looks pretty much unassailable. Juliet Whitehead may be able to close the gap but my guess is she will come a close second only.

Whether Mark Stone can overtake Fugly remains to be seen. There are now 12 points between Pilgrims Progress and the second placed team but my guess is that they will be happy merely to secure promotion.

Nermals Eleven and Wags To Witches both had good week this week and may still retain some daydreams of going up, but they all have to play out of their skins and probably play there Jokers as well to sneak in at the death. Perhaps I should suggest to Fantasy League that they should introduce this as a new feature. The ability to play a Joker might spice things up a little, especially if you only get to play it once during a season!

Four teams at the bottom of the division have pretty much run out of gas now and for them the season can only be put down to experience. Forewarned, forearmed, and forebrained they can only hope to do it all again and do it better next time.

08/05/10.

The Conference is beginning to quieten down now as the season draws to its close. Leaders, The Gull Ables look almost certain to collect the title in nine days time after a steady run of scores in April. Another 13 points this week for Tris Harvey kept the title challenge well on course and it is hard to imagine that the newcomer will be deflected from glory now. Six points from Aquilani got his team into double figures and virtually put the silverware on the mantelpiece.

Fugly XI bettered Mr Harvey's score to the tune of two points, there wasn't enough punch in Juliet Whitehead's performance to change the outcome of the title race at this stage. Promotion will have to do.

The third promotion place looks likely to go to Mark Stone now. A 12 point week for Pilgrims Progress wasn't a massive score, but all that is necessary at this stage is to keep a few points coming in to secure a solid conclusion to the campaign. Whether Nermals Eleven can come up with a final crescendo to steal that final promotion place remains to be seen. However, a 24 point deficit looks impossible to overturn with only nine days to go before the end of the season.

30/04/10.

A blistering 29 point week for Tris Harvey opened up a massive 31 point gap at the top of the conference this week. With Juliet Whitehead only picking up a meagre two points it was a performance that appears to have handed the conference title to Mr Harvey on a silver platter. Nine points from Cahill together with five pointers from Defoe and Bendtner made up the bulk of The Gull Ables tally.

A 24 point week for Wags to Witches was the second highest score in this division this week, and though it is probably too late for Chris Pike to entertain thoughts of promotion, it was worth turning up for. Chris has improved remarkably over the last few weeks and has gained valuable experience this season in order to push on next.

23/04/10.

14 points for Tris Harvey was enough to propel The Gull Ables to the top of the pile – finally - thanks to that man Adebayor. It was a long hard slog for Mr Harvey but he will be glad to have finally reached there. The gap might only be four points, but after the amount of time it has taken him to overtake Juliet Whitehead he won't be bothered. Juliet has rather gone off the boil of late and she will be lucky to even secure promotion the way things have gone. Only three points this week for Fugly XI. Not exactly championship material.

With Nermals Eleven and Bobo United also getting into double figures there could conceivably be a final scrap for third place. However Pilgrims Progress presently enjoy a 20 point gap which, though not an enormous buffer, may be enough to secure a safe berth for promotion by the end of the campaign.

16/04/10.

Fugly XI will need to do a bit more than they managed last weekend if they are to do anything in the trophy cabinet other than a silver medal this time around.

Just eight points for Juliet Whitehead this week barely kept the marauding hordes from trampling all over her nice new presentation suite. Six points from Darren Bent were welcome enough, but two missed penalties against Tottenham will have soured things no end. It appears that the best that Fugly XI can hope for this term is promotion. The wheels are definitely coming off as the season enters its final stages.

The discomfort presently being experienced by the leaders will no doubt act as a shot in the arm for the chasing teams. Chief amongst these is Tris Harvey, who has gamely kept the race alive over the last few months. The Gull Ables are now in a position to flap in and cart off the glory in the last few remaining weeks. A 17 point week this week saw Tris close the gap on the leaders to a mere seven points. Eight points from Adebayor in Man City's annihilation of Burnley were the little hundreds and thousands sprinkled over Mr Harvey's special Easter cream cake. I will be composing my congratulatory eulogy to Tris's efforts in the next few days.

Not a brilliant week from Mark Stone, however Pilgrims Progress still look the team most likely to join Juliet and Tris in the league's fourth division next term. Six points could never be described as a glut, especially at this point in the campaign, but it will do for now. The Pilgrims enjoy a 23 point buffer at this stage and as long as they can maintain a similar level of security it should be enough. However, there are no givens in this game, other than the one at The City of Manchester Stadium. Four weeks might as well be four months if you have a bad 'un.

09/04/10.

It’s a funny old game this. Not just footy, but Fantasy Footy. Just when you think the season is dead and buried and consigned to the Chairman’s filing cabinet, up pops a last minute surprise.

Enter: Mr Pike.

On the face of it, it could have been an awful week for Chris, NINE points dropped from the defence, an injury to Pavlyuchenko (I ? my Pavly) – it all looked doom and gloom... And then The Lampard steps into the breach. 21pts spurred Wags To Witches on to a massive 42pts, which, though not enough to launch Chris into the top three – he’s still quite a way off of that – 36pts, in fact – certainly took him out of the doldrums at the foot of the table and gave him some hope that he could be quite a force at this game in seasons to come.

It was a good week for Nermals Eleven this week, too. 23pts from Chris Norman’s side revitalised their hopes of a last-ditch run for the top three. Dunn and Tevez were responsible for 18 of those 23pts.

Dissing Bob Williams seems to have done the trick, as well. 24pts from Bobo United included 8pts from the returning Glenn Johnson. Midtable respectability beckons.

01/04/10.

With the top three all looking good for the big climb up to Xtra land, the Conference is looking like a done deal now. Still, there is pride.

The Fogghorn placed much faith at the start of the last two seasons in Bobo United, but next season’s prediction are likely to frown on Mr Williams’s efforts after his team have stuttered to produce any form over both campaigns. Minus two points this week shows just how far Bobo United have to go if they are even to make an outside lunge for third place. Certainly, comparing Bob’s form with callow newcomers like Tris Harvey and Mark Stone, you would have to say that something is definitely lacking and a completely new strategy will have to be dreamed up if the only member of the Kingswood Cabal is ever to climb out of the league’s basement.

Don’t forget to vote on the great Nursery Debate!

26/03/10.

The top three are looking very settled at the top of the Conference now; the pipes are out, the slippers are warmed and the Ovaltine is being prepared in the kitchen. Everything is looking more or less sorted with Juliet, Tris and Mark all preparing their Auction strategies for August when they will compete against the big minnows of the Xtra Division. After that come the terrors of the Koi Carp in the Nursery, the petrifying Piranhas of the Inferior and, ultimately, the sawn-off sharks of the Superior.

It’s an aquarium out there!

But wait! What’s this, looming up out of the deeps behind the miniature sunken castle and the plastic diver with his stream of friendly bubbles...?

Behold! 22pts and up into sixth!

The Pike rises! 10pts from Torres, 6pts from Pavlyuchenko (I ? Pavly). Could it be that the forgotten man of the division is about to mount the latest and fiercest of challenges?

Nope. Thought not.

Last item: There are only eight teams in the Nursery Division this season, so the league really needs a little bit of restructuring. The question is how to get ten teams in the division. The options as I see them are to have five teams go up from this division or just relegate one team from the Nursery. I know which option I favour. I will be organising a ballot either on the website, or by an alternative method, to canvas opinion, shortly. Be sure to make your vote count. Anyone who wishes to resign from the league needs to inform me ASAP so we can make plans – Auction Weekend 2010 is only four-and-a-half months away, folks!

19/03/10.

Not much to mention due to the FA Cup. The Gull Ables maintained their recent form and pushed on with an 11-pointer that had Arteta’s prints all over it. 11-pts is all the gap there is now for Fugly to rely on.

Pilgrims Progress also got into double figures and lie just two points behind Tris Harvey. Mark Stone’s score also included a rare clean sheet for Ferdinand (Rio). Just six points this season to date. How injury blights our seasons.

12/03/10.

Yes, the wheels are coming off the Fugly bandwagon and you have to say that this is not a good time to go for a new home – ah, well. Live and learn.

Minus one for Juliet Whitehead this week has opened the door on The Gull Ables desperate lunges and the title looks in doubt at this late stage. 17pts for Tris Harvey featured a lot of stuff at the back and a rare goal from Bendtner.

I bought him once.

And once only.

Elsewhere the curse of the Chelsea/Man City – Terry/Bridge encounter cast a shadow over many teams – points were dropped aplenty by Bobo United, Nermals Eleven and a host of teams in the other divisions (including me!). Normal tight at the back service should be resumed shortly.

05/03/10.

Fugly XI may be looking good for promotion, and even the title, but who will be going up with them is far from certain.

Any of the five teams below Juliet Whitehead could scrape it come May, but Pilgrims Progress did themselves no harm at all this week after a neat 15-pointer that put them into second place. Ashley Young was the main provider, but Mark Stone will have to keep this up if he is to stand a realistic chance – the competition is fierce in this basement division to scramble out and away.

Also acquitting themselves well this week: The Gull Ables who had a 21-pointer that put them very definitely back in the running. A 6-point run-out for Downing proved what a shrewd investment he was.

It’s near impossible to predict who will go up from this division at the moment – a best guess is that if you are in the six you probably have a chance. Below that and you’re doomed to repeat this season all over again...

26/02/10.

Not many matches this week – all midweek ones – so not a lot to shout about.

Just two teams actually made it into doubles – the Saha effect was felt by Bobo United – 17pts – whilst the Zamora effect was enjoyed by The Gull Ables – 17pts. Tris Harvey’s mob also had goals from Dindane and Adebayour – something of a treat in such a thin week, points-wise.

19/02/10.

With the top six in the Conference all hitting double figures it was left to Rainham End Rowdies to get top score this week – 21pts – and shunt Martin Haines up to fifth place. Drogba, of course, was the difference and Haines now looks odds on for a late tilt at a top three finish. Just 24pts separate second from sixth, so who will join Fugly XI in going up is anyone’s guess.

Down at the bottom, only Wags To Witches – second best name, anyone? – managed to get into doubles, enabling them to move up a place. All academic at this stage, but pleasing when it happens all the same.

Spare a thought for Emma Orbs: just one member of Emma Rendall’s squad got on the score sheet this week. And it was a minus.

12/02/10.

A big 32pts for Juliet Whitehead’s Fugly XI this week – a big score in every way. Insua, Howard and Dunne collected twenty of them and it left the Fuglies 33pts ahead of their nearest rivals after a bumper week of fixtures. I think promotion looks almost certain, now. Fugly XI are nearly 50pts off fourth place after all, with a squad that is on fire. Kiss of Death, then.

The race for the Xtra division is hotting up elsewhere. Another 22pts for the Pilgrims were welcome for Mark Stone as Baines, Carragher and Friedel scooped up twenty of them; not bad for a defence that has struggled from time to time.

Bobo United, meanwhile lost a bit of ground, despite enjoying a fair 17-pointer. All of Bob Williams’s points came from defence, and though Hangeland dropped a couple, Reina was worth 6pts and Terry can always be relied on at the back.

I’ll leave you lot to provide the punch-line to that one...

05/02/10.

Four of the top six teams caught cold this week allowing Fugly XI to make hay and open up a 25-point gap at the top of the Conference this week. 16pts from Juliet Whitehead’s mob wasn’t a huge score but it was enough to count. Top provider was Michael Ballack who scooped up a goal in the cricket game at Stamford Bridge as well as an assist.

The only other team to perform in the top five were the Pilgrims, with a workmanlike 15pts that included a pair of assists from McCarthy. Mark Stone is now up to third.

The bottom five teams all excelled, which must have been a blow for them. I bet they saw their points mounting up and thought: “That’ll be it then! Out of trouble and up into midtable!” Sadly, it was not to be and they were left turning from hand-rubbing to hand-wringing when they realised that everyone else had been banging in the points.

Top scorer was Gary Linekers Legs XI with a 19-point haul that boasted 5pts from Rooney and that odd 6-point affair from Ashley Cole. Does anyone know what went on at the Stamford Bridge game? Terry AND Cole off at half-time? I mean... Come on!

23/01/10.

Not everyone benefitted from the engorged fixture list over the festive period, but the Conference table has a familiar look to it as the needles settle into the carpet and the tinsel gets put back into its attic box.

Supreme above the rest, Fugly XI continued their impressive recent run of form after a 28-point week that owed much to those three Goals from Bent. The defence helped, as well, though the three points dropped by Dunne after Villa’s mauling by ManYoo. Still, Juliet Whitehead is still 21pts ahead of everyone else as the year turns.

Bobo United maintained the chase for the title after a 27-pointer that included 6pts from Toure and a clean sheet from Glenn Johnson. The loss of the only Liverpool player to perform this campaign will be a blow, however.

Three teams in the middle of the division had cause to don party hats from their crackers as Pilgrims Progress (26pts), Nermals Eleven (25pts) and Hinton Ununited (23pts) all scored freely under the mistletoe. It moved them out of danger, or at least disgrace - as there is no relegation from this rung of the league ladder – albeit temporarily. Long enough to breath the heady air of midtable.

Not a great time for The Undef*ckables or Wags To Witches, however. Four and Seven points respectively is a thin return for such a bounty of fixtures. You really do expect more from your players after you pay so much for them. I hope Chris Pike and Joby Hodgson kept their receipts.

31/12/09.

It was the sort of week – a double block of fixtures - when teams needed to take full advantage, but strangely, few teams in the Conference did. Only two teams made it over the 20-point threshold, and whilst the top three secured tallies up in the upper teens, they will probably look upon this week as an opportunity squandered rather than one taken. Certainly for Bobo United it was a dreadful week – minus three after such a bumper crop of fixtures will be seen as an awful return. Eight minus points – including four lost by Toure will be a kick in the teeth for Bob Williams.

Elsewhere, Pilgrims Progress did well – 21pts keeping Mark Stone in contention for promotion. Double clean sheets from Assou-Ekottu and Friedel were the lynch-pins.

Top score in the entire league, however, went to Emma Rendall’s Emmas Orbs – a 33-point bonanza that lifted them from bottom place up to eighth. Six points from Diamanti and seven from Bellamy were helped along by Diaby who got a goal and an assist. Well, done Ems!

26/12/09.

The second-highest score of the week in the Conference saw Juliet Whitehead secure top spot by a single point – not much, but titles have been decided on less, I suppose. Goals from Bent and Doyle will have been a relief, but Fugly need to keep it to stave off the challenge from below.

It was a poor week for Bobo United. Minus four points could have been a lot worse and Bob Williams’s defence dropped SEVEN points overall, only a goal from Saha rectified matters.

Rainham End Rowdies took advantage as well. 10pts from Martin Haines’s mob gifted them third place after The Gull Ables dropped points in a points-dropped sort of week: Carvalho’s -2 was the only score at all on Tris Harvey’s sheet.

A whopping – in the general scheme of things in a flat week – 19pts from The Undef*ckables was the top score in this division: goals from Kuyt, Agbonlahor and Anelka propped up Joby Hodgson’s efforts.

17/12/09.

22pts from Tris Harvey saw his Gull Ables close in on Bob Williams and his brief tenure at the top. Tris’s haul included goals from Adebayour, Zamora, Dindane, Defoe and Cahill. Dindane might be at Pompey, but he is starting to look like a man who might just fire them to safety. I hope so; I’ve just put some outlandishly overreaching faith in him. We will find out...

Bob Williams kept top spot and still has a 15-point buffer to cling onto. Two rare Liverpool clean sheets were the main features of this outing. How often can that be said this time around? Who has that much misplaced optimism, other than the Rafa fanclub?

Wags To Witches had the poorest haul of the week: just 2pts for Chris Pike’s mob. When you drop 4pts at the back, though what can you expect?

Emmas Orbs and The Undef*ckables continue to struggle: neither has made it to 100pts yet, which even I’ve done! Come on, you slackers, get a move on!

10/12/09.

Though a handful of teams got into double figures in the Conference, there was only really one story this week in the bottom division.

Bobo United.

29pts.

The main providers of Bob Williams’s bounty were Giggs (7pts) and Eagles (7pts), though frankly the points rained in from all over. Even Nevland chipped in with a goal and an assist.

The only blot was the two points dropped by, of all people, Sagna. I think, Bob will settle for that, at any rate.

Bobo United are now top, in case you hadn’t guessed; and clearly top, at that. 13pts clear is breathing space, and plenty of it, too.

03/12/09.

The Gull Ables might have started at a gallop, but that hasn’t been the case on every outing. However, normal service was resumed this week as Defoe’s bumper bonus of 15pts catapulted Tris Harvey up to second place after a decent 20-point week. Just five points from the top, Tris can do the heavy breathing bit down Juliet Whitehead’s collar.

Rainham End Rowdies boss, Martin Haines had little to celebrate this week as his beloved Gills got overturned by the Gas, so it was just as well that his fantasy team clocked up a steady 13pts to keep the promotion challenge on course. There were no fireworks in the performance, just steady points gathering.

What a difference a week makes. Hinton Ununited have been floundering like a beetle in a bucket of sick lately, so it was a week to find wings and get away from the messy bottom half of the table. 9pts from Lennon provided just the tonic manager Andy Fincham needed – along with three clean sheets and a goal from Benayoun – and everybody’s favourite Brummie now lies in the middle of the table – sixth place – after a 23-point outing which was the top score of the week in the Conference.

27/11/09.

Another fabulous week for Martin Haines had the Chairman vainly scratching his head for a pun on his name. All to no avail. I will simply say that Mr H must be on something. His meteoric rise up the table and return to the form that he enjoyed in his hey-day are testament to something, though I’m not sure what. Luck? Skill? Study? Tactics? I don’t know what it is, but I want some – and quick!

Milner, Dempsey and Wright-Phillips were the main features, but it was a solid all round performance. Manager of the Month for November is looking increasingly likely.

Fugly XI remain at the top of the Conference – a quiet week kept Juliet Whitehead going. 8pts during weeks like that are enough to secure the silverware, though her clean sheet tally – just 8 – will be a worry, especially when you consider Bobo Utd’s tally – 23. Where did they all come from, in a season like this? (Seven from John Terry, is where).

13/11/09.

21pts for a team that was barely able to put their boots on before, was a remarkable turnaround by any standards, and Martin Haines will have been glowing by Sunday evening. 5pts apiece from Etherington and the Drog were the pick, though defensive contributions from van der Sar and Clichy will have been welcome. If they keep this up, Rainham End Rowdies might break into the top three by next Sunday.

Fugly XI stayed at the top despite a quiet week. Just 6pts from Juliet Whitehead’s squad, was a damp squib when what was needed was a box full of sparklers. Only van Persie went off with a bang, this week.

It was a fair week for The Gull Ables. 11pts for Tris Harvey – all from the defence – was a good outing in a week where changes have been afoot at the newcomers. Tris has been bringing in new players to the squad. Whether it will make a blind bit of difference and keep him in the top three is another matter.

Rotten week for Joby Hodgson. Just one point. Just don’t bleat about it, Joby. I can do that well enough for both of us.

05/11/09.

They might have dropped some points at the back – what a season this has been for dropped points at the back, so far! – but 9pts from Ballack and van Persie were more than enough to keep Juliet Whitehead’s mob on course for a big lead come the turn of the year. Juliet seems to have got the hang of this game now and 118pts in a division of eleven teams is a fair achievement. If they can keep this up Fugly XI might be as good as up by March.

Mark Stone had a quiet week by recent standards – just 4pts – though Pilgrims Progress held onto second place – just – after Bobo United crept into third place thanks to the efforts of Carlton Cole. Bob Williams is now a point behind the Plymouth man, but is far from secure himself – Tris Harvey’s The Gull Ables lie a point behind Bobo after dropped points at the back cost them third place.

Gary Linekers Legs XI had an inauspicious week – minus two – underlining that form is all in this game. What the squad needs is a bit of consistency, though with their manager hiking in Nepal in the near future, pep talks might be difficult to organise. Perhaps they will play to impress in her absence.

30/10/09.

Not a good week to be Bob Williams – just two points meant that Bob Williams’s team are now bobbing like a cork in the waters of the Conference table. Points dropped by Arsenal, Liverpool and Fulham at the back were to blame as Bobo United slipped to fourth from first place.

The leaders slip in form meant that Fugly XI were able to take full advantage and a15-point week from Juliet Whitehead's mob ensured that Mrs Zond went to bed happy on Monday night despite points dropped at the back.

Also on the rise were the two new teams that have so far excelled at this game. The Gull Ables, who had swept all before them in the first weeks, returned to form this week after a 14-pointer that included a goal and an assist from Kranjcar. Mark Stone’s Pilgrims Progress, meanwhile, had Fabregas to thank as they clocked up an impressive 15-pointer to grab third place. Just 3pts split the top three now. Close, for a big division.

Down at the bottom, three clubs are looking a bit lost and need an injection of points before they cut adrift completely. The Undef*ckables, Nermals Eleven and Emmas Orbs have 48, 47 and 45pts respectively, and well shy of the next team lying in eighth place – Hinton Ununited – on 62pts. It’s a tough game this for newcomers, except of course that these three are by now seasoned campaigners. Ha! Hark at me, dawdling along at the bottom of Div II!

06/10/09.

For a team that have been struggling to establish their credentials this term Gary Linekers Legs XI are looking none too bad for it, now. A 21-point week for Sarah Reynolds pushed her outfit into third place after several weeks languishing in the lower reaches of the league’s basement. The defence did it. A barnstorming 8pts from Ashley Cole couple with 6pts from Yobo were quite enough to keep Sarah within sight of Tris Harvey’s heels and Bobo’s bobtail. It was especially rewarding for Yobo as his goal and cleansheet cancelled out his previous tally of minus six. Remarkable faith from the Evertonian manager to stick with him – if only I had done the same with my lot.

Not a good week for Andy Fincham – minus two – not much of a score and all the more galling when you consider that was Vidic’s score for the week. How Andy must have wished for another once-a-century performance from Benayoun...

Emmas Orbs continue to have a howler of a start – just four points this week and Emma Rendall stays rooted to the bottom on just 22pts. When will this season start?

25/09/09.

Five goals, a couple of assists and a couple of clean sheets were enough to keep Tris Harvey flying high at the top of the Conference this week. The Defoe Effect had the expected benefit, though another goal from Adebayour bodes well for the newcomers.

Bobo United are doing well to hang onto second place and Bob Williams’s name looks familiar in this location, though that was commented upon last term and what happened then?

The other two new teams – new as in never played before – Wags To Witches and Pilgrims Progress seem to be acquitting themselves well at present, holding onto third and fourth place, though, as ever, it has to be said that these are early days yet.

There was little transfer activity last week – everyone hunkering down and waiting for the FIFA window to close, one suspects.

28/08/09.

No outstanding performances for the teams in the bottom division in the first week. The Gull Ables took an early lead after a 15-point weekend that was made up of 2s – 2 goals, 2 assists and 2 clean sheets. One of the assists came from a trademark Delap throw in – so no change there, then. Suddenly Defoe is looking a steal for £3m.

Bobo United were hard on Tris Harvey’s heels after the first weekend and have since overtaken the newcomers. Three clean sheets for Bob Williams signalled a solid season ahead. Probably.

Looking at the table after the first weekend it was easy to spot the teams with Everton defenders: Goals Against: Pilgrims Progress 10, Gary Linekers Legs XI 13. Oh yes, that’ll be the Arsenal game.

22/08/09.

The largest division in the league displays a revitalised interest in lower league fantasy football, all the more encouraging when you consider what a poor standard is often seen at this level – so says Paul Harding, anyway.

So who shone and who guttered?

Emmas Orbs were looking to make progress after last season’s close-run campaign and this lot don’t look like a step-up to me. Almunia was a steady buy as was O’Shea, but Lescott at £3m was surely over the odds? Hughes and Konchesky would worry me as would Cahill. The middle is better. Essien will contribute if he maintains his fitness. Downing and Barry are sound investments. Pienaar will be worth 25pts. Geovanni is a flair player, I’m afraid; the odd spectacular goal but a lot of mooching about the field picking daisies for the rest of the season. Bullard is another flair player, but one who works and as such, picks up his fair share of injuries. Berbatov may finally make an impact at Old Trafford, but Sturridge will be a revelation if he gets time at Chelsea. I rate that lad.

Nermals Eleven are a bit of a yoyo team. Time to go back up then. Cech, Evra, Alex and Skrtel look outstanding. Gibbs might play, but don’t count chickens yet. Alonso cost £0m. We all know why. Funnily enough, on the Auction Tracker his name appears as Mopsa. I’d pay money for a player called that. Osman, Gomez and Kightly is an average middle, whilst Tevez, Scotland, Owen and Eduardo look spot-on up front. Palacios is doubtful – will he fit in? And Upson is a good defender at a porous club. Midtable?

Juliet Whitehead was proxied at the Auction and one can only wonder what she thought of this lot. Howard is in goal – fine if you like that sort of thing; Aurelio is the only good member of the rearguard. Pantsil, King and Bramble look a bit of a shambles to me; her proxy would have done better to trawl the free agent list for better replacements. As I write Coma Patient 1, Coma Patient 2 and Coma Patient 3 are still available. Arshavin was big money that was worth it. Noble is fine, but Arteta is still out. Ballack is fine if you can be bothered to wait for the one penalty he will surely take (but one only). van Persie is a star – surely worth 60pts this time – and Kevin Davies is pretty reliable. Bent, Doyle and Fuller are options. El Haj Diouf crops up from time to time, though I don’t know why. Fugly XI will do well to stay in the top half.

The Undef*ckables underachieved last time around. This time may be better, but the back line will need a plumber in the coming days and weeks. I’m not even going into details: it’s a horror story – go and look and be amazed. The team really starts in the midfield: Taylor, Malouda, Ireland, Kuyt, Jensen. Anelka and Agbonlahor have lots to do up front. Vela may not be up to the role of stand-in striker on Sundays. It’s all pretty anonymous really and another nine months of struggle look inevitable.

Sarah Reynolds was unable to attend the Auction this year and the Chairman stepped in to proxy. I was quite pleased with the outcome. Okay, Robinson was a duff opener, but it gets better. Bosingwa, Ashley Cole, Gallas and Silvestre, with the option of Davies. Valencia, Lawrence, Riera and Bentley looks good to me and the front-line of Rooney, Crouch and Jo look capable. I admit that Rodriguez was a punt and Yobo a last throw of the dice. But I think this squad has style. A top three finish for Gary Linekers Legs XI, maybe?

Chris Pike, and his wittily named Wags To Witches, joins us for the first time and he had a bit of a torrid time, one feels. James in goal used to be a good choice, but he is going to have a busy season this time. Young at Villa was shrewd, but the rest of the back line looks like the result of some weird surgical tombola where bits have been sawn off and then superglued back on in a different place. Emerton, Ridgewell, Scharner, Dossena and the useful Evans. Doesn’t look like a lot of points to me. Lampard restores order in midfield, where he is joined by the competent McFadden, Sidwell, Jenas and Pedersen. Don’t know much about Stanislas. Torres and Keane are artful up front and Ebanks-Blake may be frightful, either way. A useful first season to learn the game is the most flattering thing I can say.

Andy Fincham (Hinton Ununited) had pig flu and so was proxied by Rob Foster. It showed. Taylor in goal was an aberration; even Andy, Bluenosed as he is, will give me that one, surely? Hilario has the best name on the Player List, but will surely not play. Brown and Vidic are fine at the back, but Garrido and Dawson don’t inspire me. The middle: Tomkins? Who he? Gerrard, Benayoun, Cole and Lennon, with Nasri and Walcott to run around and frighten the rest of the division if and when they are fit. Robinho and Phillips are the only options up front. Not a team that will create fluttering bottom flaps in my books. A quiet return to the league for Mr F.

Bobo United never quite did what I wanted them to do last time – I tipped them heavily and it never happened. This season looks like being a more subdued affair. The backline of Reina, Given, Johnson, Sagna, Terry, Rafael and Toure looks impressive – though I have doubts about Johnson expressed elsewhere. Hangeland, too gives me worries. Eagles, Richardson and Giggs in the middle look out of place and I only expect Eagles to feature prominently. Cole and Saha up front, with Beattie? Well, there will be points there, but not bucketfuls. A season of consolidation. Pity; a chance missed.

Pilgrims Progress is the name that Mark Stone goes under this season – his first with the league. Like most newcomers, Mark had a few wobbles, but came off quite well, proxied as he was by Julian Partridge – last season’s Supreme Champion. I can live with Friedel in goal and Carragher and Ferdinand are strong in the middle. Steinsson and Baines would cause me to lose sleep. They’ll get ditched once Mark gets the hang of it. Agger is fine for when he plays. Fabregas, Young and Murphy will do nicely in the middle. Deco is a question mark. Attacking options include Jones, Santa Cruz, Yakubu, McCarthy – not exceptional but of use. Blake is also in the middle; sorry, overlooked him. A good team to start off – with a bit of money spent this team might go places.

The Gull Ables also join us for the first time, managed by Tristan Harvey, so a big hello to him. This team has something, I have to tell you; and it isn’t pigflu. Okay, Schwarzer might be a doubt between the sticks, but Bridge, Shorey, Vermaelen, Carvalho look like a capable back four to me. The middle is cracking: Fellaini, Cahill, Zhirkov, Modric, Delap and Anderson – more options than the Indian Food Centre on Gloucester Road. With Adebayour, Defoe, Bendtner and Campbell up front, this team looks like a well-balanced team of Champions and Cup winners. You heard it here first. In a division of eleven. I find that remarkable. Well done, Tris! Would you like it engraved Tristan or Tris come May? Let me know.

Martin Haines comes back to us after a season away, and like Andy Fincham it is really nice to see him back. His team however, will need work, and I’m sure he’ll be the first to admit that. Rainham End Rowdies will bring some experience to the division, but the most pressing thing will be the changes needed to put some umphh into the squad. That is where the experience may count. Van der Sar is fine, once he gets back, and I suspect that Clichy and Richards will be real assets. Djourou will be a good choice if he can get a few games and grow in confidence. Woodgate is injured and a bloody good thing too, you may think. Warnock and Gomes came up and I think he got stuck with them; I hope so, it’s so upsetting when your friends develop dementia, otherwise. Collison and Etherington are flimsy. Is that fair? I hope so. Drogba and Johnson might be a bit goal-shy. Milner, Wright-Phillips, Dempsey and Carrick could have a lot to do. Out with the chequebook, Mr Haines!

WHERE’S THE HEAD ON THAT PINT E: THE CONFERENCE
FINAL TABLE MAY 2010


14/08/09.