SEASON 2000-2001 Living in the past WEBMEISTER BREAKS NEW GROUND WITH UPDATED FOGG-HORN!

The Chairman's history of the "Where's The Head On That Pint Fantasy League"

Embracing the Future

It was a long summer break for all of those in the league. The forty-one managers signed up for Season 8 spent their time in whatever way helped them to forget football for the time being. Meanwhile, the Chairman was holed up in his summer retreat, Mount Morget, feverishly beavering away on the second edition of the Yearbook that was to include for the first time a full club directory. It was a monumental task; thousands of statistics to sift through; files to compile; the endless drawing up of tables and lists. In addition to all of that the league was going on-line for the first time, which meant that the Chairman would no longer be held hostage to the vagaries of the postal system. The league wouldn't have a website as yet, but being able to download tables and stats from the Fantasy League® website would make things a lot easier and quicker for everyone. Also, of course, it was going to be a lot cheaper as we weren't paying for the privilege of making team changes.

The auctions duly arrived with the usual glorious weather. For the first time the trophies were all on display at the auctions. They had previously been unveiled at a skittles and presentation night at the end of the previous season, but this was a first chance for many managers to catch a glimpse of what they were now playing for.

At the end of July the Chairman made arrangements to carry out the cup draws. Instead of holding the draws immediately after the auctions, the Chairman travelled up to London to the Fantasy League® offices. Mr. Pink did the honour of drawing the balls and the Chairman spent a pleasant couple of hours chatting to the staff and meeting with Andrew Wainstein, the creator of Fantasy League®. Andrew even rubbished Adge's team, which capped off a great day out. It seemed that there was a real buzz about the season to come. And certainly, 2000-2001 would not disappoint.

The Superior Division title race quickly split into two battles: one for the title and one for survival. Early on in the campaign the three promoted teams, Liversalts FC (Sarah Pearce) and the newly named Simply The Best (Gaye Ellacott) and Lord Lucan Riding Shergar (Stuart Halson) showed very strongly. Indeed, there were fears that they might run away with the top positions, not least because the Chairman had a £25 bet on with Stuart that he wouldn't stay up. However, things started to settle down and by mid-season Gaye Ellacott, Sarah Pearce and Bruce Ellacott (The Sad Old Gits FC) were forging ahead with the Chairman's Mount Morget Gas hot in pursuit. The Chairman had wisely picked up Poyet again at the auction, and had gambled on Viduka making an impression. With Solano, Dyer and Hadji in midfield as well it looked promising for goals and assists and with Seaman, Philip Neville, Luhzny and Jaap Stam at the back, I expected a few clean sheets as well. Even better, Stuart's Lord Lucan Riding Shergar were in freefall and the £25 was looking safe. Down at the other end of the top flight things were looking decidedly gloomy for The Memorial Marauders. At the season's halfway point - about Christmas - the Spawny One was only 6pts off the bottom place and relegation looked a real prospect. Below Adge, Rob Foster's Cotham Crusaders made interesting, if unusual, bedfellows, and Paul Harding's Ollies Jolly Dollies were propping everyone up and looked certain to go down. However, things would change.

By the time spring arrived the top of the table was looking a bit different. Mount Morget Gas were leading the way with Liversalts FC, Simply The Best, The Sad Old Gits FC and, amazingly, Ollies Jolly Dollies hot on their heels. Paul Harding somehow managed to turn his season around as his defence, featuring Liverpool and Leeds stalwarts, rallied after a poor start to the season. By the time the census returns were being collected, the title race had been reduced to a two horse race as only the Chairman and his sister were left with any chance of grabbing the silverware from The Memorial Marauders trophy cabinet (also known as Adge's telly). As the last few weeks of the season unfolded and the clockwork of the season ran down, Liversalts FC left Mount Morget Gas gasping for breath as Gary McAllister and Michael Owen took turns in dismantling the Chairman's challenge. Their happy impish faces were almost more than I could bear. By the final Saturday of the season Sarah Pearce was 46pts ahead of her nearest rival. It was the best chance the Chairman had to grab the title since 1995, but it had all unravelled over the course of the final month. I could almost feel the despondency coursing through my veins. So near, and yet…Sour grapes aside, it was a remarkable performance from the Liversalts FC outfit, and they were worthy winners. Pacing oneself for the final push, making the right team selections (how many vital changes did their boss make that scraped together vital points over the last few weeks of the season? I couldn't keep count of them all) all contribute to the final goal. Nevertheless, I was, and am still, gutted.

The only consolation for the Chairman was that he won his £25 wager with Stuart Halson, whose Lord Lucan Riding Shergar were duly relegated, as I predicted, after only one season back in the top flight. Stuart had led the way early on as Rebrov and Co. seemed to have the right combination for success. I thought otherwise and was glad I had had the courage of my convictions. Also going down at the end of the season were Trevor Cowles's Scrumpy Jacks Cider Eds, who as No Free Franchise FC had performed so admirably the season before. The last club to fall through the trapdoor was Cotham Crusaders, underlining what was a miserable season for the Chesterfield Chump. And Adge? The Spawn survived to fight another day, though it was a close run thing. 19pts separated The Memorial Marauders from ignominious relegation.

At the start of the season the Chairman predicted that the team to watch was Jon Ward's Dukla Prague Away Kit. In the second edition of the Yearbook - a rather patched and imperfect publication that was blighted by a damaging software crash hours before going to press - I had quoted odds of 4/7 that Jon would sweep all before him in the Inferior Division. I felt he had been unlucky the season before and I saw him as a major force to be reckoned with. You don't become a bad manager overnight. And Dukla Prague Away Kit did not to prove me wrong. True, Jon started slow after a blistering start from Jeremy Matson's Ossies Dream Warriors - who were the first team to 100pts in the league - but Jon gradually made up ground as defensive lapses from Jeremy's Leicester contingent amongst others, handed over the reins to Jon. By the time the season was over, Dukla Prague Away Kit had amassed 460pts (equal third highest ever) and were a clear 66pts clear of the second placed team. Jon's final squad sheet had only two names on it that had failed to get into double figures during the season, with Henry, Viduka, Hutchison and Babbel proving the real gems in his tiara. Dukla Prague Away Kit had breezed back into the Superior, and with style. Furthermore they spent much of the season in the top 100 managers nationally as ranked by Fantasy League®. They also served a reminder to the top flight that we hadn't seen the last of the cheeky Scouser.

The fall from grace for Jeremy Matson's Ossies Dream Warriors was spectacular, to say the very least. What was more, he didn't even make it into the remaining two promotion places, which went eventually to Phil Martin's Buffys Muff Club and Julian Partridge's The Partridge Family. Buffys Muff Club staged something of a late revival, having spent most of the season becalmed in mid-table. The Partridge Family, on the other hand, spent only one week out of the top three all season, a remarkable achievement. The dénouement to the season must have been a crushing blow for Jeremy Matson, much like teams who make it to the play-offs only to fail, and then collapse the following season…

Due to the number of teams in each division being adjusted to level the playing field in the Cups, only two teams were to be relegated from the middle two divisions during the 2000-01 season. In the Inferior Division, Gary Linekers Legs XI went back down after courageously coming back up the previous term. It was a woeful season for the former golden girl of the league, and represented her third relegation in four seasons. Going down with Sarah were Simon Abbott's One Season Wonders FC, who blew their full complement of transfers early in the campaign and left them with no room to manoeuvre. It was, frankly, a panicky season from Simon as he stared at a second successive demotion. Pistol-whipped with damaged pride, poor Simon tendered his resignation from the league after four seasons that had originally promised much. He finished up in bottom place in the Inferior division, 42pts adrift of safety.

"Turn up next time", Richard Fox's proxies chided him. Two seasons after Richard Fox joined the league, we had still to see him at an auction. As the Nursery Auction started for his third season with us, he still hadn't made an appearance. However, he had a proxy appointed. Andy Woodward performed the duty for the manager of JK Returns WC, which was probably more than he deserved. It worked. Spectacularly. By the end of the season, Richard had stormed to the Nursery title with a monumental 448pts, well clear of his nearest rival, Steve Ferguson's Kiss My Art. Although Kiss My Art had been in the running for long periods, they had to content themselves with just promotion. It was a second successive promotion for our sole Australian representative. Also grabbing a place in the Inferior division, and also going up for a second successive time, were Steve Moody's Moody Blues who had gradually outstripped Matt Wood's The Minus Touch and left them beaten and broken by the wayside. There were to be no good Samaritans passing Matt's way, and his chance of bouncing back after his demotion the year before passed, in spite of his having led the division for virtually the first half of the season. Meanwhile, Mark Fogg's Hull Tigers made their traditional dash for glory at the end of the campaign, only to miss out yet again, and Tim Clay's Washington Foreskins held onto their Nursery status along with John Pullin's eponymous Dynamo Donkey.

Well after all that I expect you're asking "So what happened to Genghis Khan?" Now that's a good question…

You may recall at the end of the 1999-2000 season, that Andys Arseholed Aquarium were on the march, strutting like unstoppable stormtroopers to lay siege to the tired old battlements of the Superior Division. They were expected to arrive at the drawbridge of the top flight by the summer of 2002. That is, if Genghis was to be believed. Then something astonishing happened which can only be compared with the decimation of the entire Inca race by a handful of conquistadors: the master of the Mongol hordes had a bad day at the office; a real stinker of an auction. Raise up the portcullis, people. Put that boiling oil on hold. Genghis is a bit under the weather. No doubt he'll whip out his battering ram for us in August 2003.

In the end, Andys Arseholed Aquarium barely survived their first season in the third division. A mere 13pts saved the Mongolian menace from returning back to the Xtra Division. Instead Paul Fearon and Paul Royall's We're Not Very Good and Paul Raymond's Club International, were sacrificed to the basement of the league. And although they were not much worse than the Aquarium, they were, nonetheless, worse. The league table cannot lie.

For most of the Xtra Division, now in its second season, the campaign was all but over by Christmas. As the New Year started only four teams stood any chance of making the leap up into the Nursery Division. Smug XI, perhaps predictably, made a real march for the top, along with three new teams to the league. Burleys I.T. Specialists, managed by Mark Tate, took some time finding their feet, but eventually proved to be a real handful. Treading Water, managed by Lee Stefano, a newcomer to the Kingswood stable, also took time to adjust, but was soon battling like an old campaigner. Finally, Totalled Football, managed by Londoner Tom Campbell, an Arsenal fan, looked the business practically straight from the off. As the season unfolded, the rest of the Xtra Division could only watch and wait to see who they would be waving goodbye to come May. The outcome looked predictable and ominous. Back in July, Andy Woodward had turned up at the wrong venue for the auction and had owed his appearance to Steve Pearce who graciously picked him up from the Beehive Public House. It was a dreadful mistake. As the last Saturday of the season ended, Smug XI carted off the title a full 23pts clear of Treading Water. Burleys I.T. Specialists were fortunate to clinch the final promotion place, just squeezing past Totalled Football by a mere 8pts. For the ones left behind all they could do was rest up for the summer and try again at the next auctions. For Joe Unsworth of Mancunian Jibbers and Gareth Lewis of Geoff Hursts Final Burst, however, it was au revoir, as, like Simon Abbott, they became the latest managers to hang up their sheepskins.

Meanwhile, as the season progressed, the cup competitions took on a higher profile than in previous campaigns.

In the Chalice, the same system used in 1999-2000 meant that the minnows had to go through a preliminary round before they met with the big guns. Again there were some shocks. Smug XI went out 2-5 to Kensington Park Rangers, whilst Moody Blues slipped up against Mancunian Jibbers, 11-12. Kiss My Art were surprisingly stuffed by newcomers Partick Thistle Nil, 13-1 and Treading Water lost to the struggling Club International, 2-8. It looked like it could be an interesting cup season. Mr. Pink at Fantasy League® had also drawn the second round ties. There was a gasp from the Chairman as his Mount Morget Gas drew The Memorial Marauders. It was surely the match of the round, ending in a breathless 16-16 draw. A replay followed and the Chairman finally won his first ever Chalice game after seven attempts, 9-6. A clean sheet from Phil Neville was all that split the two teams. Elsewhere, Dukla Prague Away Kit were fulfilling the predictions of the Chairman that he would win this competition; Jon Ward's team recorded the highest score of the round as they trounced The Minus Touch 20-15.

As the third round started the Chalice was literally anyone's. Dukla Prague Away Kit stumbled, drawing 6-6 with Bobs Boyz, but recovered to hammer Dan Hooper's side in the replay, 21-6. Meanwhile, Mount Morget Gas were progressing well after a 14-point demolition of Ollies Jolly Dollies, and Burleys I.T. Specialists were catching the eye as they dismissed Dynamo Chicken Kiev. In the quarter-finals Mark Tate's team then went on to wring the neck of Paul Rabbitts's team. Buffys Muff Club and Simply The Best, however, fought out the game of the round, which ended up 16-16. In the replay, though, it was a different matter as Simply The Best went down minus-four to one. Dukla Prague Away Kit seemed relentless; Mount Morget Gas went out with barely a whimper.

Both semis were close but in the end Mark Tate saw off the challenge of Buffys Muff Club to make it to a final in his very first season. Washington Foreskins proved no match for Jon Ward's mob in the other semi as they succumbed 12-10; it was a shame for Tim Clay, who was seeking to be the only manager to lift the Chalice twice. The stage was set for the mother of all battles between two in-form teams of the league. But like so many cup finals, it was an anticlimax, as Dukla Prague Away Kit absolutely slaughtered the league novices, 22-2. With14pts coming from Kachloul, Viduka and Fowler it was a sobering experience for Burleys I.T. Specialists as they were well and truly put to the sword.

When Mr. Pink performed the draw for The Roy Pearce Trophy I doubt if he realised what a marathon was in store for the 41 teams taking part. For the first time the teams were drawn into two conferences of around 20 teams each, subdivided into four groups of about five teams each. Each team played every other team in their conferences; all the points counted and the best two performing teams in each group qualified for the second round. It was a monumental set-up based on the American Superbowl system. To win the Trophy would entail playing at least 23 games. A total of 416 games would settle the competition. The fixture list alone was an enormous task. Just squeezing the games into the season's calendar took some effort. As the first stage trundled on most of the groups became sorted. Some were closer than others, and some were very close, but by the time the first stage was completed, we had sixteen qualifiers. No play-offs would be needed this time around. The top team in the qualifiers were Steve Ferguson's Kiss My Art who won 14 of their 19 games, whilst drawing one and losing only four. Kiss My Art's route to the final was an easy one as The Sad Old Gits FC, Geoff Hursts Final Burst and finally, Hull Tigers all fell beneath the Australian's wheels. Smug XI also had a fairly easy passage to their second consecutive final, defeating Moody Blues (again!), Lord Lucan Riding Shergar and JK Returns WC (a team he bought as a proxy, no less). A tense final looked to be in store now the Trophy was up for grabs for a team outside the top two divisions for the first time.

Considering the other 415 games played in the Trophy during 2000-01, no one could have imagined how the final would pan out. Defences picked up and dropped points; assists seemed to appear out of thin air. But most of all goals were at a premium; if the scores ended all-square, there was no room left in the fixture list for a replay as the final was being held, as ever, over the final week of the season. As I made a rough tally of the scores on the Saturday evening, anticipating Monday's headlines, I felt sure that Kiss My Art had romped home. Match of the Day was to prove otherwise. The sheer complexities of it all were more than my poor befuddled brain cells could cope with, returning from the pub. In the end, I didn't get around to checking the scores until the Monday. By then, the news was out. A draw. 12-12. I had to rush to check the rules. Was it penalties? Fortunately, it was all down in black and white on the front of the league's fixture list: in the event of a draw in the Trophy, matches would be settled by the team scoring the most goals. Smug XI had goals that week from Harte and Murphy. Kiss My Art had goals from Karembeu, Hasselbaink…and Ashley Cole. Andy Woodward had become the first manager to make it to a second Trophy final…and he had been bettered…some might say cheated…yet again. He had endured a long year as the injustice of the previous final had gnawed at his vitals. Now he was reduced to chewing his vitals all over again.

It was, on reflection, a perfect illustration of what this strange compulsion is that grips us each season. We think we can control it. But it is controlling us. Just when we think we've cracked it, just when we think we are on the verge of glory, it all goes tits up and we are left either with egg on our faces, or chewing our vitals. Of course, there are always winners. But winners soon become losers in this game. And vice-versa. We buy our teams and send them out, but after that you might as well cross your fingers and hope for the best. Which just about sums it up, I suppose.

So, where do we go from here? Well, the website has arrived at last and whilst not all of us are online, it won't be long before we are. The Fogg-Horn had yet to fulfill it's full potential when it was just a newsletter. The fact that The Fogg-Horn is now available online should make things easier for me and more accessible for everyone else. It should also open up the league to its members and the curious from outside the league. From now on everything to do with the league can be accessed at the left-click of a mouse. I hope you enjoy the league's latest venture, it's why I called this part "Embracing the Future".

Looking back, that Saturday when I first spotted a small advert, not much bigger than a postage stamp, seems a long time ago now, as does that first rambling auction with the six of us sat round a table in Barry Thompson's flat. We couldn't have guessed that we'd still be crossing our fingers and hoping for the best nearly ten years later. And one thing's for sure: whilst my name isn't on that silverware, the best is yet to come…