SEASON 1999-2000 Living in the past WEBMEISTER BREAKS NEW GROUND WITH UPDATED FOGG-HORN!

The Chairman's history of the "Where's The Head On That Pint Fantasy League"

The Return of the Beast

The seventh season of the league marked an interesting period in its development. After running for three seasons with three divisions outside interest was such that we had the opportunity to expand to a fourth division. Naturally, this was a mark of some success, but it also represented a logistical nightmare for the Chairman. The auctions alone were a fraught affair. Getting 39 managers or their proxies together at their appointed time was no mean feat. In the end the Nursery and the new "Xtra Division" had their auctions side by side in the garden of the Annexe Inn. It was a peculiar occasion, to say the least.

Also causing ripples was the Chairman's drive to finally acquire some decent silverware for the divisional titles. Members were balloted on the idea. The result was a resounding unanimous vote in favour of a levy to raise the necessary cash. In addition to the levy other schemes were started that raised a considerable amount of money for the Trophy Fund. At the newly inaugurated Pool Championship alone, over £60 was raised from just one night's activities. By the season's end the Where's The Head On That Pint Fantasy League had probably the finest selection of silverware of any such league in the UK. Now there really was everything to play for.

Also for the first time, the Chairman and Editor of The Fogg-Horn produced a league Yearbook that was met with slack-jawed surprise from all. The Yearbook ran to 64 pages and featured articles on all the divisions, the cups, local rules, as well as statistics and tables from the previous six seasons of competition. Also included were two lengthy essays: the first version of 838 And All That which ran to some 7,200 words and a slightly shorter A-Z index of all the club names that had graced the league since its inception. The Yearbook proved especially popular, although I had made a rod for my own back by calling it such. I would now have to produce it every year.

On the footy front it was to be as extraordinary season as one could imagine. The Superior Division swung wildly as the months went on and it seemed at one point as if the Chairman might finally land the prize he had so coveted for seven long years. By Christmas, Mount Morget Gas were pulling away at the top of the league and only Trevor Cowles's No Free Franchise FC, believe it or not, looked likely to keep up with him. Adrian Downs's The Memorial Marauders were looking much improved, though they were still some way off the pace. Earlier in the season it had been a different matter, however, as Adge made numerous selection blunders and the Chairman ridiculed him for "going from terror to tosser". He should have known better.

Things started to go wrong for the Chairman just after Boxing Day when he foolishly omitted to sub in Poyet for Chelsea's game against Sheffield Wednesday. Points dropped, teeth were gnashing at Mount Morget. There were more problems to come. For some three years the Chairman had been planning a month-long holiday on the other side of the world. New Zealand beckoned and, with his team in a precarious position, the Chairman boarded his flight on 2 January 2000. For the next four weeks Mount Morget Gas slipped from the top, never to regain the lead. Although the Chairman kept in touch through Internet cafes, the league was still postal based and not an Internet status league. That, together with the time differences and distance made it increasingly difficult to manage the team. The experience of having a manager phone to make changes from New Zealand caused some amusement at Fantasy League® but there was to be little cheer for the Chairman. By the time he returned in February, he was nearly 50pts adrift and the dream was dashed. The Chairman ended up in fifth place, one point behind Mandrake Slappers, who were enjoying their first season in the Superior Division.

As the campaign progressed the title became a tight struggle between No Free Franchise FC and The Memorial Marauders. With a few weeks to go Trevor was almost 40pts clear of the Spawny One and I predicted that Adge would be lucky to get within a dozen points of Trevor. But a stupendous final month was to follow for Mr. Downs as he put together the most astonishing run the league had ever seen. Two Manager of the Month awards (94pts for April plus 45pts for the short month of May) and an utter orgy of goals (17), assists (11) and clean sheets (5) in a particular three week spell, all sealed Trevor's fate. The gleaming new trophy was snatched at the last by the most reviled amongst us. And lo and behold, ladies and gentlemen, the beast was well and truly back.

Elsewhere in the top flight, there were to be tears and tribulations aplenty. Bruce Ellacott had an amazing dogfight in store as his The Sad Old Gits FC battled to stay up against Jon Ward's Rapid Beardinsulters, who only the previous season had secured the Supreme title. Bruce was spared and Rapid Beardinsulters succumbed to the drop after just one season in the top flight. Jon was especially unfortunate, as he had been on holiday in Scotland when the first free agent list was published in August. Also doomed to go down with the Scouser, were Simon Abbott's One Season Wonders FC, who had a less than wonderful first season in the top division, and Jenny O'Brien's That's A Load Of Horlicks. Jenny had been a permanent fixture in the top flight since the league started, but pedigree held no precedence this time around.

In the Inferior Division it was probably the closest season ever with several teams all in with a chance of the title, and most of the division still in with a chance of promotion as the final few weeks arrived. In the end, the title went to Sarah Pearce's Liversalts FC, narrowly squeezing out Gaye Ellacott's TooGoodForThisDivision. It was some recompense for Liversalts FC's unfortunate relegation the previous year. The final promotion place finally went to Stuart Halson's 667theneighbourofthebeast. Stuart ended up 10pts clear of his nearest rival, Tim Marks's The Next Generation, and his relief was palpable. He had been marooned in the Inferior Division since 1997.

Down at the wrong end of the table, one of the original seven, Matt Wood of The Minus Touch was in trouble. After a dreadful campaign, which had started promisingly, Matt was eventually relegated, well short of safety. In addition to The Minus Touch, Tim Clay's Washington Foreskins and Richard Fox's Turn Up Next Time also got the chop. Richard's demise was especially harsh. He had failed to make the auction and had his team renamed by his proxies. He then slipped out of the Inferior with one more point than he had needed the season before to gain promotion.

While all this was happening, there was a bit of yo-yoing going on in the Nursery. Gary Linekers Legs XI, relegated only the previous season, scrambled back at the first attempt. Sarah Reynold's team were hard on the heels of Ossies Dream Warriors (also bouncing back) and Dynamo Chicken Kiev, who had been favourites for the drop at the start of the season. Andy Fogg thus secured his first league title since winning the inaugural championship in 1994. For the third season in succession, however, there were tears in the other Fogg household as Mark Fogg's Hull Tigers missed out on promotion yet again.

The first teams to be relegated to the new Xtra Division were decided at the other end of the table. Dan Hooper's Bobs Boyz had started with confidence, but that evaporated as the season wore on. Dan's team ended up 19pts shy of safety, as the opposition bunched above them in the table. Mancunian Jibbers and Arsenes Awesome Army also fell out of the Nursery, with Tim McGarvey falling right out of the league as he tendered his resignation.

In the new Xtra Division, meanwhile, a star had been born. Andy Stewart, a one time denizen of Saudi Arabia, had looked over the shoulders of our contingent based there in previous seasons and pronounced that fantasy football was a load of old rot. Or words to that effect. Now based in the UK, he had had a change of heart after acting as a proxy. Unable to make the Xtra auction himself, Andy was appointed a proxy who certainly gave him a head start, but it was his outstanding grasp of the mechanics of the game that meant that he hit the ground running. By the close of the season, Andys Arseholed Aquarium had amassed a massive 466pts, a league record, to cart off the first Xtra Division title. He was 85pts clear of his nearest rival; also a league record. With an average of over 13pts per week, Andy shot to the top of the league rankings. He announced that he intended to march straight into the Superior Division in successive seasons. It was rather like watching the dust from Genghis Khan appearing above the horizon. But, we would see…

Also going up with Andy at their first attempts were two Steves: Steve Moody, recently recruited to the Kingswood Stable of managers, and Steve Ferguson, previously of Melbourne, Australia, and now of Sheffield, Yorkshire. Moody Blues and Kiss My Art left everyone else for dead in the promotion race and joined Andy in the Nursery on sheer merit. A third Steve, the Chairman's brother, Steve Pearce, was placed an honourable fourth as his Kensington Park Rangers adapted well to the round ball game. Fifth place went to the ominously named Smug XI, managed by Andy Woodward, another newcomer who would become one to watch the following season.

With a record number of teams in the league, the Caffrey's Chalice needed expanding to accommodate them all. This meant that the lower teams in the bottom two divisions had to scrap it out in a preliminary round before the big boys from the top two divisions joined in. There were some shocks. Kiss My Art failed to get past the first hurdle as Club International brushed them aside 19-15. Dynamo Chicken Kiev fell by the wayside, as Arsenes Awesome Army lived up to their name for once. But the biggest shock was reserved for the second round where the pitiful Geoff Hursts Final Burst were pitted against the runaway leaders of the Xtra, Andys Arseholed Aquarium. Amazingly, they forced a draw, 5-5, and then went one step further by demolishing Andy Stewart's team, 10-6. Gareth Lewis's team got as far as the fourth round quarter-finals, where they were narrowly beaten by Mandrake Slappers 2-1.

The tie of the competition, however, was between Mancunian Jibbers and Washington Foreskins, which went to a second replay which Joe Unsworth's Jibbers won 3-0. Joe's reward was a semi-final tie against former winners The Memorial Marauders. Much to everyone's astonishment, Joe came through, though it was a close thing, as he won 9-8. The final beckoned, though it was a game too far for the Jibbers as they went down to Richard Fox's Turn Up Next Time 10-7. Richard had some consolation, at least for his poor showing in the league.

In The Roy Pearce Trophy, it was a tight campaign as usual. In the group stages Liversalts FC excelled, losing only one of their eight matches. Play-offs had to settle matters in three of the eight groups as teams finished level on points. By the time the second round games came around it was obvious that this season's Trophy was going to be as hard to win as ever. Liversalts FC were naturally fancied after their group form, but they were surprisingly unseated as favourites as Bobs Boyz came from nowhere to claim a place in the last eight. Smug XI defeated rivals Moody Blues in what was to become a regular tradition, and No Free Franchise FC swept past TooGoodForThisDivision to make the quarter-finals. Smug XI and No Free Franchise kept trundling on, missing each other in the draw for the semis, where Trevor saw off Bobs Boyz and Mr. Smug saw off the much fancied Andys Arseholed Aquarium, who had defeated the Chairman's side previously. As the final dawned, Andy Woodward might have imagined that the silverware was within his grasp, but it was not to be. In a very low scoring game, a possible assist for Smug XI's Zola was eventually not given by Fantasy League®. No Free Franchise FC became the third Superior team in a row to win the much-coveted Trophy. The injustice of it was to gnaw at Andy Woodward for a further twelve months…

So the end of our seventh season had arrived. The league was in a far stronger position than it had ever been in before. The silverware now on offer to the victorious was second to none, and our members now had a tangible reward for excellence. The names of former winners were justifiably engraved on the base of the league trophies. It seemed that the league had reached a pinnacle. But the most important changes were yet to come.